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Tuesday, December 15, 1998

THE MOST CYNICAL CHRISTMAS OF ALL

And why shouldn't it be? LOOK at the state of the world!!

Here in America, OUR LEADER is about to get kicked out of office because he got oral sex from an intern and NOT because the people of America have said: get him out of there.

Israel and Palestine's agreement to not be pissy towards one another has met with disagreement by the people of said countries (not too ironic, since they don't really celebrate Christmas).

Libya has finally agreed to let the men responsible for the terrorist bombing over Lockerbie, Scotland go to trial - which is good, but we're almost at the ten year anniversary mark of the bombing that took the lives of 270 people - having those feelings of loss churned up sure will incite the Christmas spirit!

Despite a semi-healthy economy corporations across the US are cutting back and laying people off. More fun with firearms in Kosovo.

And if that's not enough Kellogg's has just raised their cereal prices! AAARG! WHEN WILL IT ALL END?

MINIBITCH: MR. HYDE OF THE IMPEACHMENT TRIALS

So when are you going to turn back into Dr. Jekyll and start being reasonable?

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (December 15, 1998)

1. SCOTT RITTER - The former UN Arms Inspector in Iraq is about to publish a book where he encourages the US to bomb Iraq and oust Saddam. Now THERE'S a civilized way to handle things!

2. PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SEE MORE ADS FOR PHANTOM MENACE - You really want to HATE this film before it comes out?

3. ALL REPUBLICANS - You're telling me little white lies (as wrong as they are) are justification to REVERSE a NATIONAL ELECTION??

4.Little Ricky Shroder - Now I can die because I saw his naked ass on TV.

5.Oprah Winfrey - I saw her on TV YET AGAIN and this annoyed me. YET again.

SEE? PSYCHO '98 DOES SUCK!

Not to say I told you so, but based on what I've been hearing, the new PSYCHO directed by BIRD AWARD winner GUS VAN SANT, is an extremely lousy, highly inaccurate copy of the original classic. I hear it's not badly made and why should it be? Van Sant is an experienced film maker, he knows how to put a film together the same way I know how to make Linguini and Clam Sauce and I am even willing to admit how much easier it is to make Linguini and Clam Sauce than it is to copy one of the master filmmakers of all time.

But, the same way I know how to make a damn good Linguini and Clam Sauce, I know I have no chance of competing in the kitchen with the likes of Paul Prudhomme or even Mr. Food, so WHY WOULD I TRY??

I mean, it would be one thing if an established (and brilliant) film maker like Francois Truffaut or Wolfgang Peterson or even a mainstream action guy like John McTiernan were to try to copy Hitchcock. But Gus is this independent film guy who's never made a film on the same scale as PSYCHO. I mean - this is a BIG MOVIE. Name one film Gus has directed that your average American has heard of. GOOD WILL HUNTING. Okay, that's good - now is it as good as PSYCHO? No - if Gus had directed a film that was then cool. It's like when they made that SUPERMAN movie back in the seventies, who did they hire to direct? A guy named Richard Donner who at that point in his career had already directed for ROD SERLING and his show the TWILIGHT ZONE - so assuming Donner knew a thing or two about sci-fi/fantasy would be a safe thing to do.

However, has Gus directed a thriller we've heard of? And what happens when he does direct a thriller we've all heard of? That film has a strong opening weekend (based ONLY on name recognition), that puts it at the number two box office slot, only to drop to number seven the second weekend out. Next time you want to call Gus, dial 1-800-L-O-S-E-R.

BIG BROTHER'S FORCING AN UPGRADE, PART 2

In [http://thepete.com/big-brothers-forcing-an-upgrade/|last week's Computer Bitch], I complained about how AOL Instant Messenger, thanks to a "Would you like to upgrade to the latest version? Continue/Upgrade Later" window that pops up every time you start up the program, all but puts a gun to your head to upgrade to the latest version. Well, I went ahead and did the upgrade and guess what?

NO MAJOR CHANGES NOTICEABLE!

The new version is SO lame - all it's got are new buttons and a "search the web" function - but who the hell needs that? With IE 4.0 you just type a question mark in front of keywords in the URL window, hit return and boom - you're searching the web. Big deal! So let's hear it for the new owners of Netscape and their super-lame, super-unimpressive new version of AOL Instant Messenger! WOOHOO!

WATCH OUT FOR THE... BACKLASH!

Well, as I write this, things are looking pretty dire for the leader of the free world. The Republicans have ganged up against him and are ready to kick him out. Now, I know polls aren't the most accurate way of judging public opinion, but leaving it up to the Republicans is not my idea of "leaving it to the experts".

Look at how they have handled this mess - they haven't given us one example of how Clinton has ACTUALLY broken a law that relates to his job.

You see - the powers that be are following the letter of the law too strictly. It seems to me that Hyde and his minions have no concept for compassion, compromise or even mercy. And I thought these guys were supposed to be good Christians! It would be one thing if the standard punishment for perjury was to lose your job or even jail time, but it's not - it's a fine or some other penalty based on the judge's discretion. You don't lose your job.

Okay, so he lied under oath, okay, so he lied to all of us, FINE let's take his ass to court and sue the guy for FRAUD! You impeach CRIMINALS. Some criminals lie; not all liars are criminals. And to all the Republicans who wanted Clinton to answer those 80 questions with honesty (and self-incrimination), how full of crap can you be? How can you be offended when he DOESN'T just come right out and admit that he lied? In Nixon's farewell speech, what did he say? "I am not a crook." BUT HE WAS!! So how can you be offended and accuse Clinton of obstruction of justice when even NIXON didn't fess up AS HE WAS RESIGNING?!?

And now we come to my point. All this ridiculousness from the Republicans will backfire on them the next time there's an election - mark my words - we Americans aren't as dumb as we seem. The Republicans are acting like spoiled little kids on the playground who are pissed off because the guy who gets all the girls won't play by their rules. So now they throw this nationally televised tantrum that has been costing taxpayers millions of dollars. Will any good come of it? Well, I'm a big fan of Al Gore, so the answer for me is YES, but aside from that, this is just silly. Somebody's making themselves look like asses and for once it's not Clinton. I would say, "end this now" but it's too late.

Next Election Day, the Republicans will be suffering, big time.

Monday, December 7, 1998

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS COST MORE TO EAT RIGHT?

You ever notice how everything in the health stores is at least a third more expensive than most unhealthy foods? I understand about supply and demand, but you know it's getting ridiculous when even JUICE costs astronomically more than Kool-Aid and soda. I mean - this is CRAZY that it costs so much more to buy a 64 ounce bottle of Ocean Spray cranberry juice, the price of which is over three bucks, but a TWELVE PACK (each can has twelve ounces) costs around $1.99. What's up with that? Do these companies WANT us to die early?

You'd think it would be in every company's best interests to KEEP THEIR CUSTOMERS ALIVE and in good health. Well, you'd think anyway. So why make us pay more for the healthy stuff? Can't the government give tax breaks to the health stores? I won't miss an extra couple of dimes out of my taxes every year. I'd prefer I start eating healthier, but I am broke! So it's off to the supermarket to buy more Ramen Noodles and Kool-Aid. YUMMY!

MINIBITCH: THE MILLENIUM ENDS ON DEC. 31, 2000

You knew that, RIGHT?

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (December 7, 1998)

1. THE TV NEWS - For not covering the first link-up of the new International Space Station.

2. ANYONE WHO LISTENS TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC THIS EARLY IN THE MONTH - You KNOW by the 25th you'll be sick of those damn carols!

3. MARIAH CARREY - You know, I'm just WAITING for her to just cough up her vocal cords!

4.Little Ricky Shroder - Oh, I'm sorry - it's RICK...

5.Oprah Winfrey - I saw her on TV AGAIN and this annoyed me. Again.

MOVIES I WON'T BE SEEING THIS WEEK

I don't have any specific new problems with the media this week, I just thought I'd pass on the movies I WON'T be seeing this week.

Now mind you, I have not seen these movies, so these reviews are based solely on their ads, trailers, commercials or other info I gleaned from entertainment reports on TV.

PSYCHO - DUH! Check out [http://thepete.com/dont-go-crazy-for-psycho/|last week's Media Bitch] if you're curious why.

ANTZ - Gimme a break, neurotic Woody Allen playing a bug who wants to stand out from the crowd? I'd MUCH rather watch Dave Foley (who only PLAYS neurotic) playing a bug who wants to stand out from the crowd. (Plus it's Disney, so you KNOW it's good, well and evil, but that's another bitch all together!)

HOME FRIES - Put this one up with the other films that have been ruined by the trailer. No, I DON'T want fries with my popcorn.

ENEMY OF THE STATE - More like enemy of the intelligent moviegoer - go rent THE CONVERSATION, similar plot, even has Gene Hackman in it - ONLY IT'S GOOD!

VERY BAD THINGS - A movie that makes light of the accidental death of a stripper? THAT sounds like a very bad thing to me!

JACK FROST - HellOOOO! Jack Frost was NOT a snow man! That's FROSTY THE SNOWMAN you're thinking of you IDIOTS!

MEET JOE BLACK - Again, why see this three-hour boredom-fest when I can rent the 87 minute original version called "DEATH TAKES A HOLIDAY"?

CELEBRITY - Another film with the Woody Allen mentality - thanks, I'll go rent Annie Hall. SHEESH! Is there NOTHING that is truly NEW out?!?

THE SIEGE - Yeah, martial law in the Big Apple. Do you think any true New Yorker would put up with it?

BIG BROTHER'S FORCING AN UPGRADE

Are you like me? Do you like to be as in touch as possible with the world? I like to use this somewhat handy (but AOL-owned and therefore evil) chat application called AOL Instant Messenger. It's cool because it lets you communicate with AOL users as well as other people who have AOL Instant Messenger.

Now, I HATE to upgrade when I don't see the need. It's bad enough with operating systems and office software and so forth - but is it THAT important to ANYONE that they have the latest version of a CHAT APP on their PC? NO. Yet, AOL seems to think the opposite. So much so that when a new version of AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) was available my version insisted on nagging me about it incessantly EVERY time I turned the damn application on!! I was quite happy with the older version and saw no need to upgrade - but thanks to that wonderful little nag window, I learned I had no choice but to upgrade. First MS with their "Where do we want you to go today" and now AOL with the "Wanna upgrade? Huh? Huh? Huh? Upgrade? Did you say upgrade? Hm? Yes? Yes? Yes?"

NO!

CAN I HAVE A REAL PERSON, PLEASE?

I am so TIRED of dealing with recordings. When I call companies to either pay them or ask for support, I get a series of recordings. WHERE ARE ALL THE REAL PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE?!? In the interest of providing customers with "better service" they have done away with seemingly every last intelligent human being at their companies in favor of inhuman computers that can't answer questions and can't intuit what you're really looking for.

Sometimes I don't know how to ask the questions I need to ask and computers can't help me. So how is this "better service"? I don't know.

Basically it cuts down on morons that they accidentally hire but they tend to hire morons anyway and the computers aren't intelligent on their own, either - so I'd rather deal with real live idiots most of the time. Credit companies even have computers that call me up demanding money - but I've beaten them! I just let my answering machine get it! Hey, why not let one machine chat with another?

Monday, November 30, 1998

THE HOLIDAYS, WHY DO WE DO IT FOR OURSELVES

With Thanksgiving now out of the way and the winter holidays around the corner, I am reminded of all of the warm family gatherings that the holidays are best known for.

Wait - WHAT warm family gatherings?

Since WHEN are family gatherings WARM???

Holidays exist not to provide people with a few days off, they provide an opportunity to give up your personal opinions, your right to choose and your ability to do what you want. In other words, Holidays are meant to be spent with family.

I chatted with a couple of my friends after the Turkey Day holiday and they both told me how happy they were to have spent the majority of the weekend (or the entire weekend) alone, doing their own thing. It's not that they don't love their family, it's just that they would much rather do what THEY want to do. You see everyday life allows for only so much personal control over your schedule and general decision making process - so to give up what little control you do have is a pain in the ass. I had the option of visiting with my girlfriend's parents and my Dad over four days, this past weekend or staying at home, writing and doing things around the house. I opted for the latter. If I hadn't, my GF and I would have gone from her Mom's to her Dad's to my Dad's in less than four days. Not much time to actually enjoy ourselves. So, I stayed home. What insanity it would have been to go! And I'm sure I'm not the only one who dreads facing the unfortunate self-truths that only family can remind you of.

Oh and don't forget dealing with that drunk uncle, or maybe the aunt who never closes the door when she pees and the grandmother who can't keep all fifteen of her grandchildren's names straight. And then there's the dreaded KIDS table. Will I EVER be old enough to escape this version of HELL?

MINIBITCH: OLDEST KNOWN FLOWERING PLANT DISCOVERED

Thank GOD, I thought they'd NEVER FIND IT!

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (November 30. 1998)

1. Gus Van Sant - Read [http://thepete.com/dont-go-crazy-for-psycho/|this] if you don't know why.

2. KEN STARR - I LOVED you on 20/20, you hypocrite!

3. AOL - First ICQ and now Netscape - MS, look out!

4.Adam Sandler - I bet this guy's really big in France.

5.Oprah Winfrey - I saw her on TV AGAIN and this annoyed me.

DON'T GO CRAZY FOR PSYCHO!

PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU! BOYCOTT THE NEW VERSION OF PSYCHO!

WHY?

Because it's not a remake, it's a RIP-OFF!!!

Rather than trying to take an old idea and reinvigorate it with new ideas, he's making a shot-for-shot recreation. Why do this? Here's a quote from the movie's "director" Gus Van Sant at the movie's web site: "I felt that, sure, there were film students, cinephiles and people in the business who were familiar with Psycho but that there was also a whole generation of movie-goers who probably hadn't seen it,"

So, therefore we should rip-it off, shoot it again and market it as a new thing? I guess so. But he continues. "I thought this was a way of popularizing a classic, a way I'd never seen before. It was like staging a contemporary production of a classic play while remaining true to the original." Yeah, right - when you stage a new version of an old play, you don't block it EXACTLY the same way - using the same props, the same movements but different costumes and a tweaked script. I mean WHY DO THIS?!?

If it's an experiment, than make it a LITERAL COPY - shoot it in black and white, with the same music, the same shots, the same props, the same EVERYTHING - even the script, complete with all of the dialog intact. If it's not an experiment MAKE A WHOLE NEW FILM. Take the old script and REWRITE IT! Add new things to it! Remake it - put a new slant to it. MAKE IT NEW, don't sorta do a remake that only tries to change a few convenient things. I mean - if Van Sant REALLY wanted to re-introduce the classic near-perfection of PSYCHO, then why not get behind a movement to rerelease the original?? Wouldn't that be a better way of showing people how great the film is? Instead of doing that, Van Sant decides to TAKE COMPLETE ADVANTAGE of the CLASSIC NAME of PSYCHO and USE it to make money. What this amounts to is highway robbery. If Van Sant had any true talent, he'd make a movie that HASN'T been seen before and that would have just as big an effect on the American film-going public.

If all he's interested in doing is reintroducing a classic, why not get Universal to rerelease it? With the right marketing campaign it could do pretty well - you know they didn't remake Wizard of Oz - THEY RERELEASED IT! This act has earned GUS VAN SANT the first BIRD AWARD EVER!!

BATTLING WINDOWS

As many of us are, I am a busy person. So, I am always trying to multi-task. This is when you do many things at once.

Windows 95 is supposed to let you do this and it does, for the most part. But often, I'll be writing a script while simultaneously researching the script on the web. So basically, I will type in MS Word, then jump over to MSIE 4.0, enter a search and jump back to Word to continue writing.

Now, instead of just running the search and waiting happily for me to click on it again, THE BROWSER jumps on top of the Word window because it's done loading whatever page it was loading. The same thing happens with other applications I use. Why do these windows act like what they are doing is more important that anything I am doing?

What's with this apparent sense of self-importance?

Hell, why can't there be a feature to turn that self-importance off?

This is more Bill Gates crap for ya. I bet he thinks everything he does is more important than ANYTHING.

Which is ironic because if anything he does is more important than anything else, then whatever one thing he is doing at the moment will come first over anything else he is doing, unless he is on a machine with Windows 95. I think there's some irony in there somewhere...

A SPACE STATION WITH RUSSIA?!?

THIS just makes SO MUCH SENSE!!

Out of some ridiculous show of respect, NASA and a handful of other QUALITY space organizations got together and thought, gee, since Russians made it into space first, they should be included in the building of a multi-national space station. Oh yeah - this makes sense.

After their entire political system crashed and burned, NASA still thought: "Let's involve the Russians!"

After the Russian space program decided that even though Mir has a shelf life of a Twinkie (seven years) that they would keep Mir in operation for over eleven years, NASA still thought: "Let's involve the Russians!"

After the Russian Space Program RAN OUT OF MONEY, NASA thought: "Let's involve the Russians! AND let's give them 60 million dollars so they can finish the work they said they'd do!"

After the Russian Space Program delayed launch of its section of the space station thanks to yet more financial problems, NASA STILL THOUGHT: "Let's involve the Russians!"

AND NOW that Russians are paying their people with HUNTING LICENSES, what does NASA think??? "Let's involve the Russians!"

No wonder we're NOT traveling to other planets yet!! WE'RE IDIOTS!!!

Monday, November 23, 1998

YOU KNOW ENGLISH, DONTCHA?

What IS it with your basic Americans speaking English these days??? I have noticed so many people screwing up their mother tongue over the past year or so. EVERYONE seems to be letting little mistakes into their everyday speech patterns. It's quite annoying to someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW TO SPEAK.

And it's not just morons either - there's a computer company that has splashed a grammatically incorrect slogan across billboards all over America. Are you familiar with the phrase: "Think Different"? Well, it should be "Think DifferentLY". Unless they happen to be addressing a person actually named Different, in which case, I don't think it's a very good slogan as my name is Pete.

Another annoyingly noticeable and all too common screw up is the usage of the word "good". If something is tasty, you say: "It tastes good." But if your taste buds are incredibly acute, do you say "They taste good?" No, "They taste well." The psychic on the phone told you things she couldn't have known, so she was good but the prozac you are on doesn't work good on your mood swings, it works WELL. Then there's the OFT misspoken phrase "I couldn't care less." Now EVERYBODY screws this one up and it bugs the CRAP outta me.

When people don't give a damn about something would it be logical to say "I COULD CARE less about the results of that herpes test."? No, it wouldn't - here's why: If you say you COULD CARE less, then, in fact, it WOULD be possible for you to have less care which, in fact, means you DO care about the results of the herpes test at some level when the message you were trying to send was that you did not care at all. Now, if you were to say: "I COULD NOT care less about the results of the herpes test." Then that would make sense, you see? You are saying that you are incapable of having any less amount of care than you already do. So think BEFORE you open your mouth, okay? THANKS!

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (November 23, 1998)

1. Whoever's in charge of Korea - WHAT? Just because SADDAM can do it, you can too??

2. KEN STARR - Boy, it sure was fun watching YOU dodge questions for once!

3. AOL - You want to buy NETSCAPE? You want MORE Inet dominance?!?

4.Tamara Maldonado - Anyone who uses a STOLEN credit card to by over 200 Beanie Babies needs more than six months in jail!!

5.Oprah Winfrey - If I can NOT see her for a WEEK straight, I'll take away her permanent spot on this page.

MINIBITCH: UPN'S "7 DAYS"

Why don't they just call it "Weak"?

NOTHING COMPARES TO LUKE

You know, before November 17th, 1998, there were a number of films I was looking forward to between now and next summer. There were at least three animated films I was really interested in seeing as well as a few live action films including a science fiction film or two. But since that Tuesday - November 17, that has all changed. I saw that damn PHANTOM MENACE trailer.

As it did for many people, it blew me away. Sure, the effects weren't perfect and the trailer really did bring up more questions than it answered - but now it's RUINED all other films for me. I can think of only one film I want to see any time soon and that is STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE. I had a friend ask me if I was excited at all about the release of the NINTH Star Trek film. I had to stop for a moment before I responded with: "Star What?"

Truth be told, I couldn't care less. I've even stopped watching DS9 and VOYAGER. Of course that speaks to both the effect the PHANTOM MENACE trailer had on me as much as it speaks to the quality of the last season of both present Trek incarnations. So now, PRINCE OF EGYPT, A BUGS LIFE, STAR TREK: INSUR-whatever and at least a dozen other films coming out between now and PM-Day (May 21st, 1999) have no value to me. If I get a chance to see them, great, if not WHO CARES. The most important thing to me now, is that I start saving up money so I will be able to buy all the toys, shirts, any other PM crap and TICKETS to see the movie as often as I want. Actually, I don't know if this is a bitch or a "thanks". Sure, the PM trailer has just set up standards that no other film (including itself) could live up to, I'll probably SKIP a lot more films thus saving myself a lot of money and TIME!! Hm, so I guess I should end this by saying, thanks George, ya bastard!

DON'T EVEN TRY TO UPGRADE

I should have known better... I recently received a web camera as a gift from my Mom. It's really pretty cool, the only problem is, it plugs into my PC via the parallel port, which is presently taken up by my zip drive which also has my printer running through it. So, every time I want to use the thing, I need to shut down the PC, unplug the zip drive and plug in the webcam. Which is fine, but I was thinking "Wouldn't it be cool if I didn't have to do that?"

I decided to buy a new parallel port for my PC. I found a really good price - $10! I figured if it didn't work, I'd just take it back. I installed it and had to do a bit of manipulation of my system config but finally I got it working. But before long, my printer stopped working. Then my zip drive started flaking. It seemed that my PC couldn't handle two parallel ports and didn't know where to go for data or where to put it, despite the fact that I told it. The moral of the story? Don't add stuff - more RAM is fine (as long as it's the right kind of RAM) but anything else, in my personal experience, does nothing but guarantee yourself a helluva a lot more work than you're ready for. Trust me!

NOW ANYONE CAN DO IT!

Well, jeez - is anyone surprised that less than a week after Saddam successfully refused to hold off UN weapons inspectors for a time that now Korean officials are trying the same trick? This is obviously a precedent we don't want to be set or else any country with a chemistry degree will be performing nuclear tests in their backyard. We as a country and the UN as an international organization MUST play the big kid on the block and stop the little kids from playing with guns. Guns - nothing - these are more like automatic weapons. This is a ridiculous game and treating these small countries like adults is the first mistake. We Americans have experimented with nuclear weapons and we've realized they're a dead end. We have to take these smaller countries by the hand and TELL them that nuclear weapons are NOT toys - not badges of honor or symbols of power but in fact are devices built to kill and kill on a massive scale. When you use enough of them, they're planet killers. DON'T MESS WITH THEM. If they don't listen, if they don't immediately stop all nuclear testing, we need to go in and dismantle all nuclear weapons - PERIOD, THE END. It's not about "right and wrong" it's about LIFE AND DEATH. The life and death of millions of people. Possibly even YOUR life. When I was a teenager I had accepted the fact that I probably wouldn't live to see my twenties thanks to a wall of nuclear flame that would INCINERATE a TWENTY-FIVE MILE diameter circle around New York City when a SINGLE nuclear missile struck that city. I don't ever want to have to accept that again. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO.

Wednesday, November 18, 1998

I WISH LIFE WERE PLUG AND PLAY

But even if life were plug and play, it still wouldn't be any easier. You know why? Because even that stupid phrase, meant to describe the ease in which one may install an application or device on your Winduhs 95 PC is a lie. Because even when things are supposed to be simple or easy, they just totally aren't! NOT EVEN CLOSE!! You'd think getting your car inspected would be simple. NOPE! I did it and it failed. Okay, I get it fixed, right? NOPE! Get it looked at and then get it fixed right? NOPE! Turns out the estimate they gave me for a new catalytic converter seemed like it might be a bit high ($500-$600 installed) so I decided to shop around. I discovered that the converter alone costs under $100! So, basically, the guy was trying to take me for over $400!! I mean - WHAT a DICKWEED! That's what annoys me above and beyond what just naturally goes wrong in the natural course of life - the fact that most of what goes wrong in life is ANOTHER PERSON'S FAULT! I mean, come on! Over charging me by $400?!? What a bastard! And this sort of thing goes on all the time. Parking Ticket people - here in LA, we have an ENTIRE DEPARTMENT set aside for ONLY parking tickets! And what rights does illegal parking really infringe upon? I mean, sure - handicapped spaces and mouths of driveways and the like should still be patrolled, but so WHAT if a meter runs out and I'm not back at my car yet. WHO CARES? See - we do it to ourselves. We've got to stop doing it to ourselves. PLEASE, in your day, think about how you can give a hand to your fellow human. I'm not talking dole out some cash to homeless folks. I mean think about where you park your car, are you leaving enough space for the guy behind you to get out? Stuff like that. It's not brain surgery, it's just called "being helpful".

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (November 18, 1998)

1. Saddam Hussein - Why do I think we haven't heard the last of him?

2. Bruce Willis - The US Government just asked him to save NYC. Is he going to say no? God, I hope so!

3. George Lucas - For making such a COOL trailer - I can't wait until MAY!!

4.People with those annoying laser pointers - You know, pointing a red dot at movie screens is just NOT cute anymore.

5.Oprah Winfrey - So, when's BELOVED out on video?

MINIBITCH: STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE

I STILL hate that title!

FINALLY SOMETHING THAT MATTERS WITH MONICA

After way too long a wait, the tapes Linda Tripp recorded of Monica have been released. Why do I say they should have been released sooner? Because they seem to be the only things that really made a case against our good old Prez. I was annoyed at how at this point in all of this the tapes are looked at as more of the same old crap. But FINALLY, here is our opportunity to hear how Monica really talked about her sorta-kinda-boyfriend - in her own words - in her own voice - spin-doctor free. Now, I tried listening to the tapes at cnn.com, but of course, their server was jammed so every thirty seconds my Real Media Player would pause thanks to net congestion. So, instead of listening to the tapes and interpretting Monica and Linda's words as their own, I was forced to trust various news organizations to play me the crucial, important parts on TV. Of course, they only played the sensational bits. The bits where Monica talked about how she fell in love with Clinton and how she called him a butthead. To his face. The excerpts, while amusing and even entertaining at times, were just another obvious grab at ratings as opposed to a genuine attempt to deliver reasonably objective reporting of the news. Am I REALLY expecting too much here? Why is it that the real news-people of the world are either dead or long-since-sold-out. You think Kronkite covered John Glenn's latest space flight for CNN because he wanted to meet the voice of Darth Vader? I bet Edward R. Murrow is about ready to tear off his wings and come back down to Earth to show us all how it's done! I wish he would!

PS As I type this, it's 3:15am on 11/18 - I am making more attempts to listen to Linda and Monica's greatest hits with just slightly larger success. I am still dealing with mucho net congestion - even at this time of the night! So much for the information super-highway. More like the information super-bike-path.

IT'S A NEW OS, CHARLIE BROWN!

If you hit the cnn.com website as much as I do, you probably noticed the article they posted about this operating system that just might be a decent alternative to Winduhs 95/98. The article intrigued me so much, I decided to hit some of the "related links" at the bottom. I hit two or three quasi-official Linux sites looking for information regarding whether my needs could be fullfilled by switching from Win95 to Linux. At first things looked pretty inviting. Linux is a more stable system and it's free. But I wanted to know exactly what it did and what it would require me as a user to do and to know how to do. To my dismay, I could find nothing that could clearly answered my questions. I guess I'm too much of a sucker for Win95's ease of use, but if Linux isn't as easy to deal with or easier, it's not much of an alternative. I'm all for bucking the system and I will look for sites that better explain how Linux works and looks and so forth. But until somebody can put in terms a regular non-hyper-computer-guy can understand, I'm continuing to think stupid.

IN A STATE OF LUCASIA

If you read last week's Big Bitch (still available [http://thepete.com/the-phantom-what/|here]) you read how the trailer to the new STAR WARS movie was to premiere on November 20. Well, in typical Lucasian form, George has thrown us Star Wars geeks for a loop and released the trailer to a handful of theaters around North America three days early. Now, being the hyper-geek I am, I was going nuts wanting to see this thing. I am thoroughly broke these days, but what kind of geek would I be if I didn't go see the trailer at the first chance I got? Then a few pics from the trailer popped up around the web and of course, I could not resist the darkside. I looked at them and then I decided I HAD to go see the trailer - regardless of what movie it was playing in front of. Well, here in West LA, it was playing in front of (and after!) the film THE SIEGE starring Denzel and Bruce. Here's the bitch: the film was put out by 20th Century Fox - the same folks that are distributing STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE. So, this thing was just a ploy to get all us fanboys out to see a crappy movie from Fox. This is TOTAL Lucas, too - anything to make some money - not that I respect him less as an artist. There's nothing wrong with being smart when it comes to getting money out of us sheep, but I still felt a little cheated. But I showed them!! After I saw the trailer, I got up and left! So I didn't even see their stupid film!! HA!! ...wait a minute...

Monday, November 9, 1998

THE PHANTOM WHAT?!?

I suppose this may be old news to some of you, but not too long ago, George Lucas announced the title to his fourth installment (and prequel to the first installment) in his Star Wars series. Now I suppose I am quite biased being that I am a HUGE fan of the Star Wars Saga but I must admit being very disappointed when I heard the title for the first time.

"The Phantom Menace".

I hope and pray that Lucas hasn't dropped into Andrew-Lloyd-Webber-Mode thinking that just because the last thing he made was incredibly well-received by the public that he can create a movie as bad as "Aspects of Love" was (compared to "Phantom") and expect everyone to like it. This title is not a good sign, nor are rumors that it's going to be a "kids' movie". I understand that there are toys based on the series, but I believe it is possible to have a toyline and still have it be fun for the adults.

Well, if you're like me, you'll probably want to head to the movies the weekend of November 20th to see the new trailers they'll be running (and the new movie poster) in theaters. I have a very bad feeling about this...

YOU'RE WATCHING STAR TREK ON THE SCI-FI CHANNEL

(yeah like we could forget!)

Are you a Trekkie, like me? If you are, you may have been tuning in to the Sci-Fi Channel everyday to watch their broadcast of the supposed "uncut" and supposed "restored" version of the classic Star Trek series from the late 60s. Now, at first glance, you'd think "uncut" meant "without commercials". Also you'd think "restored" meant that they had cleaned up the original print or added extra footage. Both assumptions would be wrong.

What "uncut" actually means is that all of the original footage is aired with an abundance of cuts for copious commercials. All told, in each 90 minute episode there are 30 minutes of commercials! That's compared to the standard 24 minutes of ads in a any other 90 minute broadcast. "Uncut"? Hardly.

Then the "restored" part seems to also mean that all of the original footage is aired. Of course, this is no huge deal, after all, if you want to see the classic Star Trek episodes the way the Sci-Fi channel is airing them, all you have to do is go to your local video store and rent the episodes. The only real benefit to watching the episodes on the Sci-Fi Channel are the short interview/host segments. But between the 30 minutes of TV ads and the 50 minutes of classic Trek episode, that leaves only ten minutes to hear supposed "Trek Insights".

Of course, three to four minutes of that is taken up with promos for the next few episodes and that episode's credits, you end up with 6 minutes of interview/host segments. And what's worse is that they've started repeating comments from the actors. So the next time you think the Sci-Fi Channel is cool, just remember ALL those times you had to listen to how proud Leonard Nimoy is to be a part of this "historic" rebroadcast and how Sulu was a "consummate professional" according to George Takei. I know there's no such thing as "truth in advertising" but this is ridiculous!

I'VE GIVEN UP!

I'VE BEEN BROKEN! I have just tossed all hope of having my PC run smoothly out the window. Before my last hard drive went south for the existence, it ran beautifully! I never had any lockups - no weird glitches - no nothing. I thought everything was finally going my way PC-wise. BUT NOOOOOO! My hard drive had terminal corruption so I had to replace it. Luckily, IBM replaced it within only a few days. Pretty nice service. BUT now the new one isn't configured properly and I can't (for the life of me) figure out what is in the wrong place.

It turns out that at random points, occasionally, when I pull up a web page, my system locks up. After much pondering I have decided that I have more important things to do than try to tell my PC how to operate. You know, like that thing most of us have - oh what is that thing called? Oh yes - A LIFE. So the next time you realize you've just spent three hours trying to get your 'puter to run right, do what I do, tell your computer to go to hell and remember to back up your files, ALWAYS AND OFTEN!

MINIBITCH: WHAT MAKES SPECIAL EFFECTS SO SPECIAL?

Just once I'd like to see UNspecial effects.

WHY ARE ALL THE POWERFUL PEOPLE STUPID?

I've noticed something about those in the position of power. They're idiots. Or at least, they seem to be. Why else would Stephen Spielberg make a film of immense importance and not make sure it was marketed properly? He made a wonderful film called "Amistad" only to have it bomb in theaters because nobody even knew it existed and if they did, they knew little about it.

What about Bill Gates? I know I've been over this before, but why not make an amazing donation to Cancer or AIDS research? Does ANYONE else think that doing that would cause the Justice Department to lighten up on him a bit?

And what about Saddam Hussein? He runs a whole country and he thinks he can turn his country into a major power through nuclear weapons? What a moron - it's called get yourself a product the entire world can use - hire some of Bill Gates' people away from him and get them to design the next big operating system. Now THAT'S how you take over the world! Nuclear weapons are SO eighties!

So, I wanna know - what is it with rich people? How did they get so rich if they are so dumb? I swear - I'm so smart now, I'm going to be poor for the rest of my life!!

Monday, November 2, 1998

IN THE END, WE ARE STUCK

As I mentioned earlier today, it's an election week here, in the US. It's the week when many of us will go out and vote for our governors, sheriffs, propositions, etc. and wake up the next morning, living in the same damn world we woke up in yesterday. It seems like no matter who we vote for we get the same old crap. Sure, if Bush had been elected for a second term we might never have had Monicagate, but I'm sure whoever came into office after Bush would have done something to screw up. On a state level, even when major sounding propositions are passed, nothing changes.

I suppose you can say that Rudy Juliani cleaned up Time Square, but didn't he make it a police state? Okay, so it's not dirty and homeless people don't accost you on the street. Instead you're assaulted by police when you drop a gum wrapper on the ground. When my home state banned all smoking in restaurants, I thought I'd never inhale smoke while eating in public again - what a crock! A law only works if you enforce it. And when a law is not enforced, a law becomes a lie. A lie that the state is now endorsing. On top of that I get freaking Drew Carrey smoking in my favorite restaurant just to make a point. He says he thinks the ban on smoking is just government meddling in the lives of the people. WELL GUESS WHO VOTED FOR THE LAW YOU IDIOT! THE PEOPLE!

The world never changes. It just keeps on spinning... and so does all the crap.

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK: November 2, 1998

1. Bill Gates - You're screwed! ADMIT IT!
2. Oprah Winfrey - Different show my BUTT!
3. Anyone who has written a campaign commercial this year - I HATE YOU!!
4.Anyone who thinks "The Seige" will be a good movie - C'mon - a movie about martial law in NYC? NEVER HAPPEN BABY!
5.The Padres - STILL - What the HELL was THAT???

MiniBitch: THE FOOD INDUSTRY IS OUT TO GET US

Why ELSE do you think health food is more expensive than junk food??

I AM A TV GOD!!!

Well, already my predictions have begun to manifest themselves! Just call me NOS-TV-DRAMUS!

Not too long ago, I predicted a number of shows would bomb and some are already starting to drop like flies. First up, we have CBS' "The Brian Benben Show". Perhaps CBS realized that the only reason this guy's last show was any good was because it had a really funny hook (ripped off weekly by Ally McBeal - see? It still works!).

Next up, we have FOX's "Costello" - yeah big surprise there - but really, the lead's name is a curse - Sue Costello? No offense, but don't name the show after the lead actor! Especially when their name is either Sue Costello or Brian Benbenbenben. The next show that has been yanked from the schedule has actually been only put "on hold". ABC's "Wind on Water" will likely be retooled (a.k.a. lost from the cast will be Bo Derek who's only real talent could be explored on Baywatch) and re-placed on the schedule, say 10pm on Friday, knowing how ABC likes to punish it's shows.

UPN (what show ISN'T getting canned from this network??) has put it's show "The Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfeiffer" on hold as well, although they'd be nuts to even try this one with a new series premise! Alas other shows have been cancelled as well, some I am sad to see go (like "Mercy Point" with awesome actor Joe Morton) which I also predicted would bomb, but found at least somewhat enjoyable nonetheless. Feel free to complain about your most hated shows on the [http://two.guestbook.de/gb.cgi?gid=75379#top|Ventalation Page].

GATES TO HELL?

Well, not that Bill has done anything to piss me off lately, but I'm so used to tearing him down, how can I help myself now that he's on the hot seat?

In case you didn't hear, this is a big weak for him - I don't know exactly why, I just know that the prosecution is pulling out the big guns. One recent big gun was a Microsoft email written by Gates's engineers that explains about how if they threatened to stop making Mac Office for the Macintosh it would force Apple to bend to their demand that Internet Explorer be the default browser.

WHOOPS!

Well Bill, whether you wrote the email or not - your buns are on the grill now! You might as well start rehearsing the phrase: "Well, I don't recall." and PRAY you have a guy named "Oliver North" on your staff that you can hang the blame on. Hey Gates, a guy named "Lucy" with a pointed tail is whetting his chops just thinking about your pasty mortal butt!

CAMPAIGNS-IN-THE-BUTT!

As everyone knows, it's an election week here in America, but BOY what a bizarre lead up to the election it's been! On the east coast they've got a guy who is a suspect in the murder of his political opponent and out here on the west coast we've got a dead man running for office! I used to think political campaigns were pretty boring, but NOT THIS YEAR!! One thing that IS getting boring, however, is the mudslinging. It's so bad, I don't know anything positive about either candidate running! All I know is that I don't want ANYONE in office!! They're all too screwed up! I think mudslinging is ridiculous and should be outlawed. I mean, didn't there used to be some law that said no one could mention their competition in their ads? These guys (women too!) are supposed to be civilized adults, but on TV they act like Rocky and Mr. T on speed! Cut this crap out, or I won't VOTE AT ALL!! (How's THAT for a backlash?!?)

Monday, October 26, 1998

GET OUT OF YOUR ZONE

Okay, well this is becoming an ongoing series on rude people, but hell, it's my page, right? Anyway, I have noticed that many people have their own protective field that surrounds them - it allows certain people to believe that they are always right and that anything they do is completely harmless to others.

It's sort of like an inverted Twilight Zone where people do the most ridiculous things and the REST OF US get to deal with it.

Look at all the people that fail regularly to use traffic signals in their cars. I was trapped behind this woman in a mini-van recently who failed to use her signals three turns in a row! THREE TURNS! She just seemed to think that the world would maneuver around her as though she didn't exist. I can't decide if this zone around her made her insanely self-centered or exactly the opposite.

Then there's Michael Jackson. His zone is so big and clouding that, apparently, he's pretty sure he can molest young children and get away with it. Sadly, he's right. That field of his seems to extend so widely around him to effect his lawyers and closest confidants. They have all helped him not only get away with these things he's apparently done, but they've also helped him settle with the families of his victims out of court. So as a personal favor to me (and everyone else around you) take a look at the way you live your life. Examine how you act when you're alone or when you think you're out of range of anyone else's ears, eyes or body and take a nice hard look to see if you're actually ANNOYING THE CRAP out of someone.

Hey, all I'm asking is that if you realize that you're in a zone GET OUT OF IT!! And stop bugging me!!

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK: October 26, 1998

1. The Guy who named NASA's Deep Space 1 - NASA trying to help out Star Trek's lagging ratings? Now that is SAD!
2.Oprah Winfrey - She was just named the most powerful person in Hollywood by Entertainment Weekly.
3.The Entire Hollywood Industry - FOR NOT HIRING ME! I'm a great writer dammit!
4.Alan Smithee - I wish he were to blame for the PILE of crappy movies these days.
5.the Padres - What the HELL was THAT???

MiniBitch: IT'S NOT THAT THE YANKEES ARE GREAT

It's that the Padres didn't even put up a fight! SHEESH!

FALSE ADVERTISING ABOUND!

It's everywhere - false advertising is more common than playboy magazines in a monestary. I pray that I am not the only one who has noticed this. Have you seen the commercials for the new Kurt Russel porker (my term for bad film) "Soldier"? If you have, your eyes were met with images of Kurt Russel blowing the bejesus out of everything and every person in front of him while your ears met with the sounds of either fast-paced heavy metal or equally fast-paced techno (or both, it's so hard to tell these days).

Now, I had a long week last week and was thinking a nice, simple, film with lots of explosions would be JUST the thing for my tired brain. So I went (with my girl friend who sacrificed much to sit through the mind-numbing but visually fun movie) and while my eyes were met with the exploding things and people the commercial promised, my ears met with music that sounded like it was composed by John Williams after a rough night out, while he vomitted into the toilet and scrawled the notes on the tile floor beside the shrine to the Porceline God.

In other words - the music was not only bad, it in NO WAY resembled the music in the commercials or the theatrical trailers. WHY is this legal? I have seen movies based solely on the music that was played during the trailers and been woefully disappointed - but NO MORE! Advertisers must stop lying to us to get us in the movie theaters. It's bad enough that they tell us how great their movie is (when really it sucks) but do they also have to make it SOUND better than it really is?

Get a life you dweebs. Tell us about the strong points of your product - don't tell us about what isn't really there.

And one other thing - is it me, or are all adverts for TV shows and movies doing a worse and worse job of making us want to actually SEE the product they're advertising? More on that next week!

BEAT SPAMMERS FOR REAL!

I am SO broke - I am the kind of guy who goes from paycheck to paycheck. So, you can imagine my amazement when two (yes, TWO) emails appeared in my inbox asking my if I would be interested in investing in their company since it will shortly be going public. Now, I have no idea why ANYone would think that I would want to invest when I have no money. So, they must have gotten my email address (and maybe yours) from one of the various email newsletters and websites that require free memberships. See, some of these lists and sites sell your email address (and any other info you give them) to other companies to use for SPAMing purposes. Beat them by signing up for one of those free web based email services, like Hotmail, Iname or MyOwnEmail and give that email address whenever you are asked. That way, when your email address is sold to the Dark Lords of the SPAM, the junk email goes to your free web-based email account's inbox and not the one your REAL email goes into. HA!

COPS ARE SO COOL!

Recently at CNN.Com, I read an article chronicling the adventures of a man on his way to the daycare center to drop off his son. On the way, he found himself stuck behind a car that was moving well below the regular flow of traffic. Not only that, the driver of the car was talking on a cell phone. The man honked three times in hopes that the slow, chatty driver would move into the next lane to the right and allow him to pass. After all, the honking was a somewhat obvious signal that most people understand to mean "GET OUTTA THE WAY, I'M IN A RUSH!" Most people I have observed do heed this signal and allow the faster vehicle to pass as did the verbally and geographically meandering moron at the wheel in front of our protagonist. But when our anti-hero (afterall, honking can be considered rude) reached his boy's daycare center, he was met by four police officers and ticketed for unnecessary use of horn which, in California carries of fine of up to $103. It turns out the Sally Jessy Wannabe doing his show from the car in front of our responsible father was a police captain in an unmarked police car. Whoops. So the next time you are driving behind some insanely slow driver, think twice before expressing your opinion to them - yield to caution, stifle and censor yourself or you may end up blowing a chunk of your paycheck because you didn't know -Big Brother- was in the car in front of you.

Monday, October 19, 1998

BE NICE, DAMN YOU!

Yesterday, my girlfriend went to get a set of taps attached to a pair of shoes. It seems that she needs to wear these specific shoes she has for a review she is performing in. We drive down to a store her professor said would do the job. We get there and the place is jammed with little kids and their moms looking for costumes for Holloween. Little kids screaming and running around and moms who weren't very good at stopping their kids from screaming and running around. Anyway, when we finally couldn't find the tap-shoe section on our own and after we waited for a clerk to be done with the moms, the clerk explained that they don't have a shoemaker on the premisis. We had to go to this guy down the street. She says it's only two blocks - it's actually FIVE. We get there and the guy there says that he can't attach the taps unless we bought them first, from the store we were just at! So we truck back to the first store and then BACK to the second store. So my question is, would it have been SO difficult for any of the people involved in this scenario to add those small yet crucial elements of the explanations they gave us? I don't think so. People in general tend to be too wrapped up in their own lives to twitch their pinky finger to give a hand to another person. In general people are just way too lazy in regards to their fellow human. Try to avoid these instances in your own life - for the well being of the rest of us. Thanks.

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK

1.Oprah Winfrey - What's "Beloved" actually ABOUT?
2.Oprah Winfrey - What is SO different about her show this season?
3.Gus Van Sant - What's next? A remake of "METROPOLIS" with CG FX?
4.Griffin Dunne - "Pratical Magic"? could you make a bigger chick-flick?
5.Sandra Bullock - For taking the goth (and the fun) out of being a witch.

MiniBitch: THE INTEREST RATES WERE CUT

and the dollar lost some value - does this mean I'm even MORE BROKE?!?!

DON'T COVER FOR BASEBALL!

I am a passive baseball fan. This means I watch only when my favorite team is in the World Series. Like this year. I noticed something this year about the way FOX is broadcasting the Series. They run replays EVERY chance they get. It's to the point where I can't tell when the game is on and when it's a replay. When Martinez hit that grand slam, I thought he did it three more times in a row! And another time in slow-mo!! Obviously, I figured it was a replay. Then, at the begining of Game 2 before ANYTHING important even happened, they were runing replays! I can't recall who was up, but he didn't even swing at the first pitch - it was a ball AND THEY REPLAYED IT!! What IS that? Why replay a BALL??? Yes, it was a bad pitch, perhaps some of us weren't watching? SO WHAT?!?! It's the FIRST pitch of the game and it's A BALL, YOU MORONS!! After that, every spare moment, FOX would run their replays. If the catcher was throwing the ball back to the pitcher, that was enough time to run the last swing. JEEZ! Don't they realize we've been watching?? Here's what they were trying to do: cover up for baseball's boringness. But they're wrong - baseball has truly rocked this year and the fans know it - so there's no need to jazz it up with multiple replays from every imaginable angle (including the Catcher-Cam) to hide how slow a baseball game can get. And even if it was a boring game, let people decide for themselves whether or not they want to be bored. There's the catch - that would be asking the network to not use any and every possible method for suckering people into watching the commercials they run. The catch is, I can always follow the game on the radio or the web. SO THERE! Losers.

COMPUTERS SUCK

TV commercials, the movies and scifi in general, make us believe that computers are just these great little appliances that work really well. I have had everything go wrong that possibly COULD go wrong on my three computers over the last three years (two of which I've had over the past ten months!). My old Compaq had one third of Win95 just evaporate from the hard drive one day. No reason. My Hewlitt Packard had some intangible conflict that even the folks at Hewlitt Packard couldn't figure out. They eventually gave me my money back and I bought a new IBM. THEN, the hard drive on it died. IBM replaced the drive and then I thought - what ELSE could go wrong? Well, this evening, when I sat down to scan in this week's strips for -TheFunnies- Page I disovered ANOTHER conflict that stopped the scanner from working properly. The best thing to do is buy a machine and just use it for simple stuff - don't try to do anything fancy with it because you're setting yourself up for many wasted hours. TRUST ME!

KOSOVO, WHERE ARE YOU?

WELL? DO YOU KNOW? So many people accross America have no clue, not only where Kosovo is but they also are unaware of what is going on there. And guess what - I don't blame anyone who doesn't know the finer details. Maybe this bitch belongs in the media section because once again, it's the media's fault we are ignorant. Whenever I do research on the web, it usually takes me all of five minutes to find the info I need. Tonight, when researching for this very bitch, I was unable to find any specific atrocities that were performed in Kosovo. All I found out were cryptic references to other people's reporting. It seems no one has actually seen these atrocities - I even checked out Amnesty International and they kept referencing themselves! Basically, the media is failing to do what it is supposed to do - deliver information about what is happening in the world. All we hear about is who is pretty much responsible for a lot of deaths - some guy named Milosovich. But the media doesn't get specific - who is doing the killing and how and why. I suppose if I had more time in my schedule, I could dig around the web some more or sit in front of MSNBC until they stop running that Time & Again show and do a story on Kosovo. But then, I have a life - unlike a lot of people in Kosovo - apparently. Thanks News Industry!

Monday, October 5, 1998

WHAT IS IT ABOUT BILLS ANYWAY?

No, I'm not talking about Gates or even Clinton, I'm talking about those things we get in the mail which order us to pay small-to-large sums of money or something horrible will happen to us. Why do we all seem to have them? Why is life so unavoidably integrated with bills? Why can't I just drop a whole mess of quarters in a meter outside my apartment when I want more electricity? Why do I need a bill? The same goes for the phones! Why not just ditch grounded phones all together and build little bank card readers into cell phones? Then when I want to make a call, I just swipe my bank card and dial away! We have no need for credit cards anymore, what with the advent of check cards (THANK GOD!!). Yet millions of people still use credit, instead of earning their money first. And the bills just keep coming. Month after month - even if you don't EVER go out and ONLY eat Ramen Noodles. I know this, I've tried. And what happens if you just suddenly stop paying all of your bills? You are plagued with calls from people who are annoyed that you haven't paid your bills in a while. Thank God for the answering machine.

MiniBitch: TV NEWS

Turn it off for a few days. It'll still be the same when you turn it back on again.

WHAT ABOUT BILL? (Part Two)

You know, ever since the whole Clinton/Starr/Lewinsky mess began, we've been hearing less and less about our pal, the Internet Napoleon, Bill Gates. Is it because we stopped caring about his deceit? I don't think we did, lies are lies, no matter which Bill we're talking about. So, why have we been hearing less about Gates? It's the news media's fault - for some reason the news media decided at some point that one Bill lying in the news was enough and the other Bill's lies had to go unheard! We're the American public - we LOVE lies! So, why did every major news source stop covering Bill Gates' EVERY breath? Because they felt like it. We need to stop trusting the news to make our opinions for us. What they decide we care about, we end up caring about. They say that we make the calls, but if they didn't show us the Clinton testimony video tapes, guess what? We wouldn't watch. This falls back onto my old argument on coming up with programming for television. It's the "Field of Dreams" argument - when the baseball Gods told Kevin Costner to build something completely illogical, but competely cool people will come and enjoy it with him. Build good TV and they will come. Either that, or they'll just read more.

WHAT ABOUT BILL (no, not Clinton!)

So what IS Bill up to? Is he still embroilled in his anti-trust case(s)? Or has he become clueful and figured out that if he were to donate a chunk (say just 5 billion dolars) of the sixty BILLION dollars he is worth right now to AIDS and Cancer research (like I believe he should) he would get the Department of Justice off of his butt? I mean, come on, that's what would happen! If Gates were to drop 5 BILLION dollars into the pockets of the folks at the American Foundation for AIDS Research and the American Cancer Society, they would be getting more than TWICE the money they have been able to raise for research in their combined years in existence! (Which is over 60 years!) I'm telling ya Bill, this is your answer!

A JOB THAT DOESN'T SUCK

My latest Main Bitch of the week hit me when my best friend and I were chatting about how our idea of acceptable jobs had dropped since finishing school. When we graduated, we thought we could aim for the stars and we'd soon find ourselves with great jobs. But quickly, we realized the stars were too much to expect and we began to settle for jobs a bit lower on the astronomical scale. Jobs equivalent to planets. Jobs that were good, solid jobs that most folks would be happy to get. Those jobs evaded us as well since those jobs were already taken by people who knew someone or had an uncle in the business. Next up were just okay jobs that are decent and they pay the bills. Now for these it really helps to know someone or to have the uncle, because if you don't you tend to get rejected for employment because you're overqualified. Who wants to hire people for jobs who are qualified for jobs above even them? So now we are left with settling for just one kind of job: a job that doesn't suck. Sheesh.

Monday, September 28, 1998

MORE EVIDENCE??

Short Main Bitch this week. Here it is:

MORE evidence?!?! WHAT more can there possibly be? Do we have the sales receipt from when Clinton bought the cigar and Altoids??? We need to hold a special vote to let the American people decide whether to just end this now or to continue this "trial". I think then after a nation-wide vote our wonderful government, idiots that they are, will realize that we all want just one thing: THE END TO THIS MESS!

WHERE'S MY UPGRADE, BILL?

OKAY Mister Gates! I've been waiting over three months for my upgrade to Win98!! Of course, I'm not going to actually USE it, but I blew a lot of cash on a new PC that had a free upgrade included. I WANT MY DAMN UPGRADE! Hey - anything I can do to get something free off of Microsoft, I will DO IT!

MiniBitch: THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE

Their commercials will annoy you. I guarantee it.

MASH IS GREAT IT'S TV THAT SUCKS

Well, not too long ago, the FX network started running the CLASSIC television series MASH. M.A.S.H., in case you're curious, stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital but it might as well stand for the Mightiest American SHow! Because it is. It's a drama in a sitcom's clothing. Don't peg it as indecisive, peg it as EVERYTHING. I have trouble going back to regular sitcoms after watching just one episode of MASH. It makes you laugh, cry and think about life and death in just 23 minutes. Now you might think: 'How is this a bitch, Pete?' I know - so far I've just been praising this show for how great it is. Well, here is where it turns into a bitch. MASH went off the air back before "Back to the Future" was a new movie - translation: TV has had VERY little to offer intelligent people in more than TEN YEARS! In fact TV SUCKS in general when compared to MASH. Seinfeld is shallow crap, Mad About You comes very close but doesn't quite make it while Friends is just... Bad. SO WATCH MASH and when it's over... read a book.

IT'S NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU!

ARG!! Why is it that whenever I start a job it starts out as one thing very clearly but before too long my boss always tries to get me to do more things that usually have NOTHING to do with my first job? Like, I recently had this data entry job that kept trying to turn itself into a secretarial position and eventually DID turn itself into a receptionist position. Now, don't get me wrong, I need the money - as most of us do. I just wish my boss could pick one thing for me to do and let me do it. Like life, jobs are never as simple or clean as our bosses make them out to be. Life is screwed up enough - so, to all the bosses out there: PLEASE! PICK ONE THING FOR YOUR EMPLOYESS TO DO AND LEAVE THEM ALONE!! PLEEEEASE! Life is unpredictable enough! Thanks for reading!

Monday, September 21, 1998

MiniBitch: REASON #1: WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US:

Afraid they'll get subpoenaed by Ken Starr.

TIME FOR BILL TO QUIT

All right - now, I've always been a defender of the President. But I think the STARR/CLINTON/LEWINSKY mess (SCLM) has caused too much damage to Clinton and hi power to lead. I'm not talking all this "moral" crap that the Bible-Belters and republicans are going on about. I am referring to the children of our nation growing up right now. They look at someone like the leader of the free world and think that maybe adultery is not so bad a thing. Especially since people say that it hasn't had any influence on how he does his job. Kids will think this kind of thing is troublesome, but in general, okay behavior. Parents all over the country are having a pretty hard time explaining this to their kids. And don't blame the coverage - I am SO glad that the media is covering all of this in such detail. This will force future presidents to keep their wicks dry and their pants zipped. Thank GOD! While I'm thinking about it, forget the presidency, he gives even scummy guys a bad name!

AOL - "L" FOR LOSERS?

EVERYTHING you can get on AOL you can find elsewhere for the same amount or less. Chat rooms, financial info, et cetera are all on the web for free aside from the monthly fee you pay your Internet Service Provider. But OH NO!! With an ISP (Internet Service Provider) you actually have to SETUP a Dial-Up connection on your PC - YOURSELF!! And you have to pull up your email program and your browser SEPERATELY!!! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!! YOU HAVE TO THINK! NO, NOT THAT!! YES, THAT!!!! Personally, I LIKE having to figure things out and learning how my computer works. AOL asks nothing of its users - no coordination, no knowledge and no thinking. So, in a sense, AOL is Internet for dummies.

NEWS IS NEWS

When you have news that news is about to occur, that is news. You follow? So basically, most of the crap that we've been watching on the evening news and on CNN has been coverage of stories developing without actually meaning anything. Why waste my time telling me about how Congress is going to vote? It's the OJ case all over again! My policy during all that was this: "HEY ITO, WHEN YA GOT A VERDICT, LET ME KNOW." I feel the same way now. I don't care about Congress thinking about releasing tapes, but when they have a solid date, I want to hear about it! Just don't waste my time with "Sometime this week the President will..." or "Sources say that Clinton will do..." WHATEVER! I WANT NEWS!!! Let me know what has ACTUALLY happened!!! Don't BS me into tuning in only to discover that nothing has actually occurred today. I DON'T CARE about what MAY happen just what already HAS happened. NO NEWS IS NO NEWS, DAMN IT!

CONGRESS IS UP TO SOMETHING

Are we all gullible enough to think that it was mere coincidence that Clinton's video taped testimony was released the same day he gave a speech to the UN on Terrorism? During the Watergate Scandal, evidence would be scrutinized for months! Here, this testimony is barely one month old. Doesn't it seem odd that Congress is moving so quickly in its release of the tape and the Starr Report? I can't help but think this is a tactic put forth by a Republican dominated Congress with the interest of slamming the President. If you think that this is just Congress finally moving as quickly as it should - you need your sanity chip checked - when has Congress ever moved quickly on anything?? This is motivated by Gingrich who would like to see Clinton resign in embarrassment and Gore moved into the White House before the January 20th deadline. You see, there's this odd rule that says if the VP is moved into the Oval Office with more than a year to go in the term, he CANNOT run for his own first full term. And no Republican wants Gore in office. Of course, I'm no Republican.

Tuesday, September 15, 1998

HEY! SOMEBODY DIED!

On July 16th, 1998, two Portland Oregon residents in their twenties jumped off of a steel bridge that stretched over the Willamette River a major roadway and a commuter railway. They didn't fall into the river. They didn't fall into rush hour traffic. They didn't fall in front of a commuter train. Their necks snapped as the nooses around their necks pulled taught. They were heroin addicts and their addiction had left them penniless and distraught. Apparently, there's not much help available for heroin addicts in Portland. And obviously no one tried to talk to them. If they did, they didn't try hard enough. However, now, volunteers at a local drug hotline claim that they have taken this "cry for help" to heart. Well, great, volunteers who enjoy helping addicts are paying attention, well that's good. What about the rest of the world? Drugs may suck. People may be stupid to try them. That couple may have been stupid to take heroin. But the thing about drugs is that there's no education about them. It took these two people dying to get volunteers to take notice. Now, I get very frustrated and infuriated when death in some form or another is what gets people's attention. Why do most people just wander through life thinking that nothing is wrong and that everyone is happy? Wake up! It shouldn't take two people hanging from their necks over rush hour traffic to get people to notice their plight.

SHOCKWAVE? SCHLOCKWAVE!

What is the deal with this thing? Dozens of sites around the web have all been "shocked" and frankly I don't understand why. Many of those sites don't give you a choice before loading the Shockwave application so you sit there wondering what the heck's going on until you notice way at the bottom, a link to a non-shocked site. Now, some sites do give you a choice, but personally, I don't understand why they bother with Shockwave at all. It's not that hot. Plus it takes almost as long as Java to load and when I am trying to find something out or download pics, I really don't give a crap about fancy-shmancy effects. Just give me the data I want. Shockwave is just an overblown gimmick. Just say NO to SCHLOCKWAVE.

While I'm at it, I'd also like to whine about those stupid pages that are nothing but graphics. HELLO? YOU DESIGNERS may have wicked quick connections but the rest of us DON'T!! So LOSE the graphics and JUST GIVE ME THE INFORMATION!! JEEEEZ!

MORE HARBINGERS OF DOOM!

Here are more shows from the fall line up that I know will bomb. I guarantee it. Costello (FOX) A show about a girl named Sue Costello. SUE Costello?!? If her best friend's last name is Abbott I will scream... Conrad Bloom (NBC) A show about a cute guy in New York. Even TV Guide described it as "Conrad in the City". This one strikes me as super bland. It's a skipper! Then, there's Will and Grace (NBC) which is about a straight woman who lives with a gay guy. Um, didn't this flop at the box office recently with that chick from Friends?

Wind On Water (NBC) is the show that stars Bo Derek and a host of other beautiful white people who are all into extreme sports. Ooh yeah - the American Public being the active sorts they are will be sure to identify with this show! Hyperion Bay (WB) is about two brothers who don't see eye-to-eye but are forced to deal with one another because one is broke or something. Whatever. There's nothing here very interesting. (I thought it was a scifi show at first!) Felicity (WB) explores the life of an insanely cute girl who goes off to college in the big city. Aren't these shows supposed to have hooks?!?

Charmed (WB) Remember that semi-lame movie a few years back starring four hot female teens as witches? Well, this jumps on the "Buffy" bandwagon as "The Craft" The Series only they're sisters. This one has BOMB written all over it. Then, there is The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer (UPN) which is about a little known (and fictional, I think) butler of Abraham Lincoln who happens to be black. Uh, hello? A period show?!? 'Nuff said. Mercy Point (UPN) This one is about doctors in the first state-of-the-art hospital in space. It's got Joe Morton in it, so I'll be pulling for this one, but it's not Star Trek, but it sounds like it wants to be. And since what is new Star Trek on TV these days shouldn't be on TV, I bet this one's going to evaporate in the coldness of space.

7 Days (UPN) is about a guy who can travel only 7 days into the past to prevent disasters that occur now. Too bad this one's on before Voyager, no one will ever watch! Not that it deserves to be - Timecop flopped, why shouldn't this one? And finally we have Legacy which is about a 19th century family that raise horses and grow tobacco. Another period show. Sheesh. Like I said, we are all in trouble!

MiniBitch: REASON #2WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US:

They hate frames, too.

McGWIRE A BOY SCOUT? OR NOT!

There I was. What a great game! Watching Mark McGwire hit that 62nd homerun was quite a thrill, even though I was at home watching on my TV. I was happy - finally, America had someone to look up to. Check this guy out: he's handsome, he's a dedicated father, nice to his competition, respectful to Roger Maris' family and he managed to be the first to break Maris' record for most homeruns in a single season. But much to my lack of surprise, he is not perfect.

In fact, he uses steroids. That's right - steroids.

According to an article at Time.com McGwire takes a nutritional supplement called Androstenedione. According to the article, it allows the body to use it as sort of spare part for building more testosterone. Testosterone is the chemical your body uses to build muscles. So, more testosterone equals more muscles. So, technically, McGwire is cheating. Especially when you consider that Androstenedione is banned by the NFL and the Olympics. Thanks Mr. McGwire for almost bringing some purity back to the game.

For more info, read the Time.com article [http://cgi.pathfinder.com/time/magazine/1998/dom/980907/personal_time.your_heal28.html|HERE].

Special thanks to my pal Becky Mroczkowski for tipping me off about McGwire!

Monday, September 7, 1998

RUSSIA ROCKS!

Well, it rocks from the stand point of an observer, anyway! I'd HATE to live there right now. Once again, Yeltsin's people have refused to accept the person he has nominated for Prime Minister. Now, with the new rules of the Russian Government, Yeltsin is now in a position that allows him to fire all of his people and hire a new set, until he can find some one who will do what he wants. What a mess. Meanwhile, his economy is SO bad, many of his citizens have resorted to the barter system. What is that about??? We're talking a step back to ancient times, here! They're no longer being paid with money, they get paid in pantyhose, or steaks or worse - store credit!! What good is that when the store can't afford to stock anything?!?! What a mess! (Did I say that already?) Here's my solution - send Bill Gates in! He can afford to invest heavily in the country's economy. And hey - if he wants to know what would be in it for him, give him country credit! I can see it now "Russia 2000 from Microsoft"!!

iMAC, THEREFORE I VOMIT

Okay, now Jeff Goldblum is telling us that "PC" stands for all sorts of things aside from Personal Computer. If things called "PC" are so bad, why is my girlfriend's Mac called a PowerPC? Does that mean she owns a Power "Physically Complicated"? No, it does not. Does Apple really think the only way to inflate their sales is by resorting to political campaign tactics? Does Apple think slinging mud at it's competitors will help things for them? Apple is supposed to always take the higher ground yet now it's advertising slams PCs. That may help their sales, but it will also encourage this ridiculous bitterness between Mac users and PC owners. It's ridiculous really, as every problem I have had with my PC I have seen my girlfriend have with her PowerMac. So, really, both machines suck and now we must debate which machine sucks less. So, I will say just one thing without lowering myself too close to Jeff Goldbloom's level. iMac: Computers for dummies.

MARK MY WORDS WE'RE IN TROUBLE!

There used to be a time when I would scramble, frothing at the mouth to find out about the new shows on tap for the upcoming fall season. Not anymore. I look at the lineup now and think how happy I am that I have over 400 video tapes in my collection. (If you wonder why I still NEED to watch TV with that many tapes in my home I have two words for you: MTV Generation!) So, for the record I have gone through the fall lineups and picked out the shows that I GUARANTEE will bomb. Mark my words. Here we go:
The Hughleys(ABC) - The black "All in the Family"? They tried that already. It bombed. Sports Night(ABC) - Well, you'll sure get all the sports fans to watch, but what about the rest of us? You know, more women watch TV than men. Secret Lives of Men(ABC) - Oh yeah, a show about three guys who suspiciously all get divorced at the same time. This will also be a big hit for women. Vengeance Unlimited(ABC) - Didn't anybody LEARN anything from the failure of "The Sentinel"?? The Brian Benben Show(CBS) - I hated this guy and his smarmy-ass-kissing grin when he was on "Dream On". Who thinks this guy can do his own show?? LA Doctors(CBS) - Oh puhlease - We've done lawyers, cops, firemen and now we must do doctors in LA? What happened to these shows having hooks??? Costello(FOX) - I don't even know what this show is about. I'm just assuming it will suck. Brimstone(FOX) - This will bomb, only because it's about a guy in Hell (the actual place) who makes a deal with Satan to track down a bunch of escaped damned souls in exchange for his own soul back. See? It's too cool to not get cancelled. Holding The Baby(FOX) - Baby comedies never work. Plus have you seen the promos? This show is NOT funny.

Okay, that's it for this week, more predictions of doom for the schedule, next week!

Sunday, September 6, 1998

OF COURSE IT'S THE WHITE GUY

Well, with all of this hubub regarding the breaking (or at least matching) of Roger Maris' homerun record I had to put in my two cents. I am begining to think that God himself is racist. Here's this great race - two guys, one white and one black, who get along really well. And they're racing to beat this record for the most homeruns in a season set by Roger Maris, years ago. The white guy grew up in a healthy family and went to the University of Southern California. This guy has all the breaks. And of course, he is #1 in line to beat the record. The black guy is a former shoe-shine boy. He didn't go to college, having grown up in the Dominican Republic, playing stickball in bare feet, using an empty milk carton as a glove. When he made it big in the majors, he sent loads of money home, buying his mother FOUR homes. This guy has come so far, yet fate, God, the powers that be, whomever, have put him in second place. Life sucks that way. He's come so far, but unless he breaks the record first, he will most likely be forgotten. I just wish fate, or God or whomever could just see fit to let this poor guy pass this white guy who has had loads of breaks. Give the black man a break.

MiniBitch: REASON #3 WHY ALIENS HAVEN"T VISITED US

Had to travel back to their home world to get more cash to buy Titanic on video.

Monday, August 31, 1998

WHAT IF WE ARE ALONE?

Just a vague thought that crossed my mind - what if there are no aliens out there? What if in this entire universe we are the only life? Why do we humans have such a need to believe the opposite? Even if you don't believe in aliens, you probably believe in some sort of supreme being and that is the same thing as alien life as one can reasonably assume that God is not from New Jersey. Why do we need to explain things to ourselves? Why do we need to assume that we were not the first life, or the most intelligent life in the universe? Wouldn't it be better for us to assume that we are alone and that it is in fact our destiny in life to expand into the universe so that it is not without life? Wouldn't that give us all a purpose in life? Our responsibility, or duty is to expand and colonize. We keep wanting to believe that we don't have to go out there. That it's against God's will, or isn't financially viable. But to expand - it seems so logical. It seems to make sense that we are the aliens - or we will become the aliens. Jeez, I sound like Captain Kirk. What a dork I am!

MiniBitch: Reason #4 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

Depressed Jeri Ryan from Star Trek Voyager is already married.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THE TV GUIDE KNOW?

A couple weeks back the TV Guide published their list of best dressed people on TV. Now, I must admit that the Bitch Page was inspired, in part, by their "Cheers & Jeers" section. I felt that their cheers were always too smarmy, like Rosie O'Donnell telling you how intelligent you are. And the Jeers section was pretty week, they criticized Star Trek the Next Generation for the first Dixon Hill episode for being hokey - that episode went on to win a Peabody Award. So, with that credit and criticism out of the way, I would like to jeer them for how they went about praising their choices for best and worst dressed people on TV.

First off, they heaped all this praise on actors for how well dressed they are. For a magazine about TV, they really have no clue as to where people ON TV get their clothes. On sitcoms or dramas, the actors are clothed by costumers. Usually they get their orders from the producers, writers and directors of the show. The actors can only make suggestions. On news shows (covering news, or entertainment) the hosts or anchors are clothed by wickedly expensive suit companies, for free,usually, in exchange for a mention in the show's credits.

So, don't think that anybody really dresses themselves on TV. As for the worst dressed folks on TV, they didn't criticize actors for their choice in clothes - they berated the characters they play. How can you blame the characters for being badly dressed? I mean, come on! They're fictional characters! Does the name Dan Quayle ring a bell?? How about Murphy Brown?? How different is this from the former Vice-President of the United States (and still idiot) criticizing a fictional character for her life-choices? Sure, clothing is a much more simple issue, but the invalidity of the criticism is the same. They dress the way they dress because that's who they are!! How can you criticize for that? In conclusion, I have decided that the people who work at TV Guide are sad, sorry people who live in their own television-dominated version of reality where their opinion matters.

WHAT THE HELL DOES CARNEGIE MELLON KNOW?

Recently, the New York Times published the results of a study performed by Carnegie Mellon University that decided that people who spend even a few hours a week online suffer from atrophied personal lives. Apparently, the study doesn't consider making friends over the internet, via emails or chat rooms to be a legitimate type of social interaction. What's THAT about? Okay, so it's not a "traditional" method of meeting people, but should it be any less valid? Who is the press or even a university to decide whether physical proximity should be considered when determining a valid relationship? I met my girl friend on the net! We met a couple months after we started emailing each other and a few months after that, we started dating. It's been over a year and now we're roommates and madly in love with each other. Too bad I wasn't one of the test subjects in that two year study. I also happen to have a number of people I would consider to be "close" friends that I have met on the 'net. One lives in Australia, another in Washington State, a third lives in Miami and another lives in Britain. I value these friendships as much as I do any of the friendships I have right here, in Los Angeles. Hey Carnegie Mellon and New York Times - take that and stick it where the statistics don't shine!

COMPUTERS SUCK!

Well, this week's main bitch will be short. Originally, I had written out this reasonably sized paragraph on how major things are occuring across the planet (governments self-destructing, middle-eastern tyrants acting squirrelly, weather patterns going awry, terrorist activities, etc.) and how interesting it is to realize that these are all occuring less than three years from the begining of the new millenium. I also mentioned how many people could view these events as a dark omen for the future. It was a really cool bitch, but then, my WONDERFUL PC locked up. I lost the bitch. Now, I've lost larger things I have written before. I realize, that's part of the fun of working on a computer. But this was just lame. It was another one of those vague conflicts where you can't really tell exactly why the machine locked up - it just did. So, now you get to read about how frustrated I am after having done some really nice work, only to see it return to the ether from where I had, with great energy and effort dragged it from.

Monday, August 24, 1998

THE US SAYS? NOT ME!

Now, I understand that we Americans have elected our government and that technically, they represent us on the national stage. Nonetheless, it bugs me when the news (US or other countries' news) refers to things "The US says..." Especially since the latest actions of the US Government (retaliations for the bombings of US Embassies) have been on the extreme side. Already this nut bin Laden has said that all Americans are targets - not just US Government Officials or military personel. If you were born in America, then this man wants to kill you. Now, don't get me wrong, I feel that the we must move quickly and strongly to stop terrorism, but I don't appreciate CNN saying that "the US said" one thing or another when it was really the US Government. I don't know all the facts, so I can't say that I would have made the same choice that my government did. So if you happened to be a psycho terrorist or maybe if you are bin Laden himself, DON'T GO AFTER THE AMERICAN PEOPLE! We elected our government, but can't always control everything they do. And while were at it, DON'T KILL ANYONE! Why are you so angry? I think what you need is a hobby. NOTHING INVOVLING EXPLOSIVES. Why not try knitting?

MiniBitch: REASON #5 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

They're worried more movies about the 70s will be made.

WHAD'YA KNOW? NOT MUCH, YOU?

The above headline is the slogan of Michael Feldman's "Whad'Ya Know?" a wonderful 2 hour radio show that runs on public radio stations around the US. The show has this wonderful mix of mid-western values and sarcastic wit. Feldman describes it as a live weekly show with a live band and audience, call-in show that is designed for national release. What he doesn't mention is how just plain good it is. Feldman chooses a member of the live audience and then on the phone has a listener who teams up with the audience member to answer moderate to difficult trivia questions while everyone enjoys Feldman's wit. Now, for at least 8 years, he's tried to get a TV version of his show managing to get one of his 2 hour radio shows televised on PBS last Saturday also having, as he described "done more pilots than a flight attendent."

I was lucky enough to get a hold of a pilot he made in 1990. It was fun, warm, sweet, amusing and pretty entertaining. There was no sex, bathroom humor or pretty much anything loud or gaudy. You can see why Hollywood wasn't interested in it. Now, "Whad'Ya Know?" the radio show has been running since 1985 so, it has an audience and thusly would easily survive on cable. BUT, just because Feldman and his show doesn't appeal to focus groups in Los Angeles and New York, it means everyone in between misses out. It means that a show that is just plain nice won't be seen by anyone. It means that if you live outside of New York and LA, your opinion doesn't matter to Hollywood. Just thought you'd like to know.

[http://www.whadyaknow.com/|Click here to visit the Whad'Ya Know web site.]

iMAC? GIMME A BREAK, MACK!

The industry buzz is that Apple's new iMac is going to be so cool and useful that it will reinvigorate the Apple company itself. Yeah right. Has anyone taken a look at this thing before they went and blathered on about how great it is? I'd think not, because if they did, they'd know that it has no floppy drive, no zip drive and no visible means of expansion (there appear to be no spare room for any internal drives). It also uses the new USB system (all the plugs are the same to remove any confusion regarding where to stick them) which is so advanced, nobody makes them yet!! Oh yeah, and don't forget the fact that the monitor is physically attached to the CPU, so if it dies (of old age, defectiveness or accident) you will have to buy a replacement Cathode Ray Tube (the glass part of your TV or monitor) and install it yourself. Granted the CPU may run faster than Hugh Hefner's libido, but if the rest of the machine is incompatible or too annoying to deal with, what's the point of buying this machine? I think we're looking at Betamax II. iMac? I'd rather buy a Big Mac.

STARR VADER

I know, I know - we've ALL had and heard enough of the Clinton/Starr/Lewinsky mess, but I still feel the need to vent about it, so here we go again. Last week, House Majority Whip (and Republican) Tom DeLay called on Clinton to quit. DeLay claimed that Clinton had done irreparable damage to the office of the President because he lied to the American People. He also added that Clinton tried blaming his latest problems on Starr - why shouldn't he? Everybody knows that Presidents have cheated on their wives, but did that make them lousy Presidents?!? No! It's just that they didn't have a blood-thirsty hound like Starr digging through their trash cans. If Starr had simply said "Hm, this is something for a reporter not a prosecutor!" (and if Reno wasn't worried about her image) none of this would ever had happened. But nooo, Starr was bent on getting something on Clinton. I'm not surprised he found something. How many men's lives could he do that to and not find something, as well? Now that I think about it, I'd like to see someone dig into Starr's personal life!

Monday, August 17, 1998

DOES GOD HAVE A PENIS?

Recently, clerics from many different religious denominations got together to officially and in a stern manner oppose homosexuality. First off, most religious folks agree that life happens all according to God's plan. So, gays are gay because God wants them to be gay, so, how can they oppose Gods will? While we're at it - Catholic priests take a vow of celibacy because the only true love they should have is their love for God. Now, as the Christians are quite clear with us about, God is a guy. Now, doesn't that make all priests homosexual? Or is it different because God has no penis? But wait - he had to have a penis - or else how could he have gotten Mary pregnant?!? Speaking of Mary, isn't she an adulterer because she slept with someone other than her husband? Oh and doesn't that make God an adulter, too? Then again, some might argue that God's "relationship" with Mary was a "non-sexual" one. Well, let's prove it! Get Ken Starr in here to test Mary's nightgown for any "DNA Evidence". Of course, getting a DNA sample from God might be a challenge.

MiniBitch: REASON #6: WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

They're waiting to get invited on Jerry.

ENOUGH WITH LEWINSKY!

Well, we're finally at the truth. Clinton did have some sort of sexual relationship with Lewinsky - yadda - WHATEVER!! Okay MEDIA OF THE WORLD, TIME TO MOVE ON!! We don't need to hear ANYTHING else about what MIGHT have happened. WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!! NOW GET SOMETHING REAL TO WRITE ABOUT! Sheesh! Find some real freaking news to report!! And tell me about some important stuff - like the famine in Africa, or terrorist bombings in the United Kingdom, or hey - here's an idea - why do we never hear about that big continent south of us - you know - it's called South America. Does anything ever happen down there? Do they have wars? Terrorist bombings? Famines? Presidential scandals? I WANNA KNOW!

MIDOL FOR YOUR HARD DRIVE? IF ONLY

Recently, certain corporations have been complaining to Microsoft (and other software makers) that with each new version of their most popular software (MS' Office or their operating system) the amount of space they take up keeps getting larger and larger. Hence the new term "Bloatware". Now you might think that with the inflated size you'd be getting some great new features. Instead, you get features like a function that summarizes what you've just typed or a browser that is more intrusive than an Orwellian police dog. I'm tired of upgrading every year to the latest version of MS Waste-of-space, especially since I am reasonably satisfied with the present version. Why not just make something that works in the first place and stick with it?!?

Saturday, August 15, 1998

CLINTON'S PANTS IN FLAMES!

Well, today we finally got our answers. Clinton lied. Or rather, he "mislead" people by not presenting the whole truth. I commend our President for (FINALLY) coming forward and telling us all what really happened. HOWEVER, I do think he STILL has yet to be fully truthful. He said in his original deposition for the Paula Jones Case that he couldn't recall any moments where he and Lewinsky were alone. Now, since he said Monday night that he never told a straight out lie, we must ask why doesn't he remember the time he spent with her?? How many women was he with at the time??!? Well, Clinton sure knows how to secure his place in history!

Monday, August 10, 1998

NO YOU DON'T OWN THE ROAD!

I would like to take this opportunity to remind all you drivers out there that according to the United States Government, driving is a PRIVILEGE - NOT A RIGHT! Too many people today think those big, two-ton lumps of metal with wheels they drive are not weapons of death. They are. They are intensely dangerous things and are treated as though they are bumper cars. I was driving recently down a two-way, two-lane road who's speed limit is 35 miles-per-hour. I was going limit - suddenly a guy driving a black Infinity cruised up behind me and then attempted to PASS me!! I'm sorry, but you don't pass someone on a two-way, two-lane road!! Especially if the limit is 35 mph!! If it were slower and if it was a back road, perhaps - but this was a well travelled road and the guy nearly drove into an oncoming car. I don't care if he was rushing to the hospital or home to catch this week's Ally McBeal! NO ONE'S LIFE IS WORTH THE RISK! SLOW DOWN, ya dink!! USE SIGNALS and realize - YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE ON THE ROAD!! Oh yeah and I think Senior Citizens should have to take tests to determine whether or not they are still fit to have a license. Just because they drive slow doesn't mean they're driving safe!!

MiniBitch: Reason #7 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

They're waiting for Monica Lewinsky to start dating again.

MiniBitch: REASON #8 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

They're waiting for another Star Trek movie with Kirk in it.

BE VEWY QUIET, I'M HUNTING CGI SCRIPTS

Well, as you all can see, I have a nice little web site going here. I am hoping to add all sorts of fun goodies to the site, like a better poll-taking system. Right now, it's just a couple of pages I've set up with hideously enlarged web page counters from the kind folks at Link Exchange. Basically, I don't have the time to work out the kinks in a CGI program myself, so I was hoping to find a service that would provide their CGI scripts for free in exchange for advertising like so many other sites on the web do (or like the free service provided by FindMail - the folks who are hosting the Bitch-List - please sign up and read other people's bitches all day long!). Alas, I have only found one such service (aside from FindMail) and their CGI scripts only work on Netscape browsers. Now, I am no fan of Microsoft, but I do not think it's fair to limit my poll to only Netscape users. So, my point here is this: Why aren't their more services out there who do this??? The need is obviously there. Someone should fill it! I would, but I am a working professional (well, I try to be) in the real world and can barely find the time to keep up with this site!! HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!

AGAIN WITH THE REMAKES! (AND THE SEQUELS, TOO!)

Well, I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I MUST bitch about all these damn remakes and sequels coming out!! I recently read that Elizabeth "I never colored my hair" Taylor is wanted for the role of a grown-up Dorothy for a sequel to "The Wizard of Oz". WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? I've also heard Ellen Degeneres' girl friend has signed on for the role Janet Leigh originated in Hitchcock's "Psycho", which is being remade. And don't forget about the rumored remake of "Casablanca" Sean Penn wants to star in. Oh - oh - oh and don't forget about the new Superman movie starring none other than Nick "no, I was not dropped on my face as a child" Cage. WHAT IS THIS??? Is Hollywood completely incapable of making GOOD NEW FILMS?? Hm... I guess they are.

OH YEAH, LET'S TRUST LEWINSKY!

Well, apparently, Monica Lewinsky has testified that she has had "sexual relations" with the President on a number of occassions. And to this I say: BIG FAT DEAL! First off, she did add that even though she did have "sexual relations" with Clinton, he DID NOT ask her to lie about it to anyone. So, the issue should be closed. We wish. Secondly, if the President were to turn around and say that he did not have sexual relations with Lewinsky, who is the public going to believe? Some ditzy former White House Intern (who wrote White House memos on White House stationary with TYPOS!) or the leader of the free world? If only I had faith in the American public's ability to make the logical call on this one. But in the end, even if people do believe some woman who had an affair with her married drama teacher over the President of the United States, most likely they will forgive him and he'll eventually get a library named after him.

Monday, August 3, 1998

MORE ON "RYAN"

I know I just criticized "Saving Private Ryan" for its all too realistic portrayal of violence, but I must mention that I was quite disturbed by some of the reactions from some of the movie-goers who were in the theater with me. I saw the film last Friday night, a week after it opened, at the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. During the opening D-Day scene, several very disturbing moments were displayed, including some depictions that, if they were in a cartoon, could have been viewed as amusing. A small cluster of people (by small I mean 15 or so people), found these moments funny enough to laugh out loud. They laughed as events occured on screen that no human should ever have to suffer in real life. They laughed as some of the more ironic moments in war were displayed. But this was not a cartoon and the film was meant as a realistic mirror to what World War II (and other wars) were really like. How could these people laugh? I am quite baffled as the film certainly did not portray the deaths of American soldiers in a light-hearted or frivolous way like most other movies (be them war movies or just those with action scenes in them) so how could these people laugh? My only conclusion is that some people have so lost touch with the sacrifices our grandfathers made in that war that they find all images of war to be unreal and fictional. What a shame.

MiniBitch: REASON #9 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

Titanic isn't on video yet.

"SAVING PRIVATE RYAN" NOT A GOOD FILM?

Well, far be it from me to subscribe to the norm - so I'm not about to start now with my opinion of my idol's latest film: "Saving Private Ryan" I hate to say this, but I'm not sure how great a movie it really is. I've seen loads of war movies and I have to say that the only thing that made "Ryan" different from all the others was it's excessive realism and impressive exploding body effects. I understand that the filmmaker was trying to represent World War II in a realistic manner and he was successful - but does that neccessarily make a great movie? I saw the film two days ago and I can't remember anything aside from the violence. It may be a very good film, but I can't argue it because I can't get past the violence. Every other war movie that I have seen, that I love as a great movie ("Paths of Glory"; "Full Metal Jacket"; "Das Boot") has done as good a job delivering the message that war sucks (or the question: why do we wage war?) without as much violence. I think if Mr. S had lightened up a bit on the violence (say cutting the entire D-Day battle) there would still be plenty of bits of flesh and bone flying around to get his point across. As it stands now, the only real claim the film has is that it's the most violent war movie ever. Is that enough to make it a great movie? I don't think so. And as some veterans of World War II have said - it still wasn't as violent as the real thing. So if it's just impossible to make it as the perfectly realistic film you want it to be, why not just settle for making a good film?

PS Hey, Mr. S - it would have been nice of you to remind us as to why we Americans were IN that war, you know because generally, I think it was a pretty good cause and all. You know, STOPPING HITLER AND SAVING THE JEWS. I feel like it's almost insulting that you didn't allow for SOME sort of acknowledgement that the war needed to be fought.

CLINTON IN DISTRESS (or ON the dress!)

Now this is just nuts. Lewinsky's given over the dress that she was supposedly wearing while she performed a sexual act on the President. So, now DNA experts are examining the dress for any "leftover biological material that could contain DNA." Of course you realize that they'll need to match any DNA they find on the dress to Clinton - even if it's not his. Now this is all being compared to the last case where DNA evidence took a major role. OJ Simpson was compelled to provide hair and blood samples. It was okay when OJ did it, so why would it not be okay for Clinton to do it? Simple - OJ was on trial for MURDER. Clinton is on trial for PERJURY. If I were Clinton, I would fight this one all the way. He's the President of the United States of America for God's Sake - and we're going to make him provide DNA samples to prove whether or not he ejaculated on this poor girl? CAN'T THIS WAIT??? Why do we need to know all this stuff NOW? Why can't we just hold off until he's no longer THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD?

Meanwhile, public opinion polls taken across the country overwhelmingly indicate that Americans, in general, DON'T GIVE A CRAP!

Tuesday, July 28, 1998

DON'T LET PSYCHOS HAVE GUNS!

Well, another psycho let loose on America last week and after hearing about the gunman's past, no one should be surprised either. The guy was deemed schizophrenic by a mental hospital and mere days before he killed those police officers in Washington, he was asked by a family member to kill 13 stray cats that had made a home out of their home. He killed 13 cats with a shotgun - why was this guy even allowed to have a shot gun? Even his father knew that his son was convinced that he and Bill Clinton had starred in a film together. I say we should lock up his parents for committing criminal negligence. The parents are just as guilty as their offspring. There should be a law that states that anyone providing a firearm to a clinical schizophrenic should be locked up until they realize that you DON'T LET PSYCHOS HAVE GUNS!