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THE INKSTREME BALLPOINT
ADVENTURES

Monday, August 31, 1998

WHAT IF WE ARE ALONE?

Just a vague thought that crossed my mind - what if there are no aliens out there? What if in this entire universe we are the only life? Why do we humans have such a need to believe the opposite? Even if you don't believe in aliens, you probably believe in some sort of supreme being and that is the same thing as alien life as one can reasonably assume that God is not from New Jersey. Why do we need to explain things to ourselves? Why do we need to assume that we were not the first life, or the most intelligent life in the universe? Wouldn't it be better for us to assume that we are alone and that it is in fact our destiny in life to expand into the universe so that it is not without life? Wouldn't that give us all a purpose in life? Our responsibility, or duty is to expand and colonize. We keep wanting to believe that we don't have to go out there. That it's against God's will, or isn't financially viable. But to expand - it seems so logical. It seems to make sense that we are the aliens - or we will become the aliens. Jeez, I sound like Captain Kirk. What a dork I am!

MiniBitch: Reason #4 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

Depressed Jeri Ryan from Star Trek Voyager is already married.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THE TV GUIDE KNOW?

A couple weeks back the TV Guide published their list of best dressed people on TV. Now, I must admit that the Bitch Page was inspired, in part, by their "Cheers & Jeers" section. I felt that their cheers were always too smarmy, like Rosie O'Donnell telling you how intelligent you are. And the Jeers section was pretty week, they criticized Star Trek the Next Generation for the first Dixon Hill episode for being hokey - that episode went on to win a Peabody Award. So, with that credit and criticism out of the way, I would like to jeer them for how they went about praising their choices for best and worst dressed people on TV.

First off, they heaped all this praise on actors for how well dressed they are. For a magazine about TV, they really have no clue as to where people ON TV get their clothes. On sitcoms or dramas, the actors are clothed by costumers. Usually they get their orders from the producers, writers and directors of the show. The actors can only make suggestions. On news shows (covering news, or entertainment) the hosts or anchors are clothed by wickedly expensive suit companies, for free,usually, in exchange for a mention in the show's credits.

So, don't think that anybody really dresses themselves on TV. As for the worst dressed folks on TV, they didn't criticize actors for their choice in clothes - they berated the characters they play. How can you blame the characters for being badly dressed? I mean, come on! They're fictional characters! Does the name Dan Quayle ring a bell?? How about Murphy Brown?? How different is this from the former Vice-President of the United States (and still idiot) criticizing a fictional character for her life-choices? Sure, clothing is a much more simple issue, but the invalidity of the criticism is the same. They dress the way they dress because that's who they are!! How can you criticize for that? In conclusion, I have decided that the people who work at TV Guide are sad, sorry people who live in their own television-dominated version of reality where their opinion matters.

WHAT THE HELL DOES CARNEGIE MELLON KNOW?

Recently, the New York Times published the results of a study performed by Carnegie Mellon University that decided that people who spend even a few hours a week online suffer from atrophied personal lives. Apparently, the study doesn't consider making friends over the internet, via emails or chat rooms to be a legitimate type of social interaction. What's THAT about? Okay, so it's not a "traditional" method of meeting people, but should it be any less valid? Who is the press or even a university to decide whether physical proximity should be considered when determining a valid relationship? I met my girl friend on the net! We met a couple months after we started emailing each other and a few months after that, we started dating. It's been over a year and now we're roommates and madly in love with each other. Too bad I wasn't one of the test subjects in that two year study. I also happen to have a number of people I would consider to be "close" friends that I have met on the 'net. One lives in Australia, another in Washington State, a third lives in Miami and another lives in Britain. I value these friendships as much as I do any of the friendships I have right here, in Los Angeles. Hey Carnegie Mellon and New York Times - take that and stick it where the statistics don't shine!

COMPUTERS SUCK!

Well, this week's main bitch will be short. Originally, I had written out this reasonably sized paragraph on how major things are occuring across the planet (governments self-destructing, middle-eastern tyrants acting squirrelly, weather patterns going awry, terrorist activities, etc.) and how interesting it is to realize that these are all occuring less than three years from the begining of the new millenium. I also mentioned how many people could view these events as a dark omen for the future. It was a really cool bitch, but then, my WONDERFUL PC locked up. I lost the bitch. Now, I've lost larger things I have written before. I realize, that's part of the fun of working on a computer. But this was just lame. It was another one of those vague conflicts where you can't really tell exactly why the machine locked up - it just did. So, now you get to read about how frustrated I am after having done some really nice work, only to see it return to the ether from where I had, with great energy and effort dragged it from.

Monday, August 24, 1998

THE US SAYS? NOT ME!

Now, I understand that we Americans have elected our government and that technically, they represent us on the national stage. Nonetheless, it bugs me when the news (US or other countries' news) refers to things "The US says..." Especially since the latest actions of the US Government (retaliations for the bombings of US Embassies) have been on the extreme side. Already this nut bin Laden has said that all Americans are targets - not just US Government Officials or military personel. If you were born in America, then this man wants to kill you. Now, don't get me wrong, I feel that the we must move quickly and strongly to stop terrorism, but I don't appreciate CNN saying that "the US said" one thing or another when it was really the US Government. I don't know all the facts, so I can't say that I would have made the same choice that my government did. So if you happened to be a psycho terrorist or maybe if you are bin Laden himself, DON'T GO AFTER THE AMERICAN PEOPLE! We elected our government, but can't always control everything they do. And while were at it, DON'T KILL ANYONE! Why are you so angry? I think what you need is a hobby. NOTHING INVOVLING EXPLOSIVES. Why not try knitting?

MiniBitch: REASON #5 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

They're worried more movies about the 70s will be made.

WHAD'YA KNOW? NOT MUCH, YOU?

The above headline is the slogan of Michael Feldman's "Whad'Ya Know?" a wonderful 2 hour radio show that runs on public radio stations around the US. The show has this wonderful mix of mid-western values and sarcastic wit. Feldman describes it as a live weekly show with a live band and audience, call-in show that is designed for national release. What he doesn't mention is how just plain good it is. Feldman chooses a member of the live audience and then on the phone has a listener who teams up with the audience member to answer moderate to difficult trivia questions while everyone enjoys Feldman's wit. Now, for at least 8 years, he's tried to get a TV version of his show managing to get one of his 2 hour radio shows televised on PBS last Saturday also having, as he described "done more pilots than a flight attendent."

I was lucky enough to get a hold of a pilot he made in 1990. It was fun, warm, sweet, amusing and pretty entertaining. There was no sex, bathroom humor or pretty much anything loud or gaudy. You can see why Hollywood wasn't interested in it. Now, "Whad'Ya Know?" the radio show has been running since 1985 so, it has an audience and thusly would easily survive on cable. BUT, just because Feldman and his show doesn't appeal to focus groups in Los Angeles and New York, it means everyone in between misses out. It means that a show that is just plain nice won't be seen by anyone. It means that if you live outside of New York and LA, your opinion doesn't matter to Hollywood. Just thought you'd like to know.

[http://www.whadyaknow.com/|Click here to visit the Whad'Ya Know web site.]

iMAC? GIMME A BREAK, MACK!

The industry buzz is that Apple's new iMac is going to be so cool and useful that it will reinvigorate the Apple company itself. Yeah right. Has anyone taken a look at this thing before they went and blathered on about how great it is? I'd think not, because if they did, they'd know that it has no floppy drive, no zip drive and no visible means of expansion (there appear to be no spare room for any internal drives). It also uses the new USB system (all the plugs are the same to remove any confusion regarding where to stick them) which is so advanced, nobody makes them yet!! Oh yeah, and don't forget the fact that the monitor is physically attached to the CPU, so if it dies (of old age, defectiveness or accident) you will have to buy a replacement Cathode Ray Tube (the glass part of your TV or monitor) and install it yourself. Granted the CPU may run faster than Hugh Hefner's libido, but if the rest of the machine is incompatible or too annoying to deal with, what's the point of buying this machine? I think we're looking at Betamax II. iMac? I'd rather buy a Big Mac.

STARR VADER

I know, I know - we've ALL had and heard enough of the Clinton/Starr/Lewinsky mess, but I still feel the need to vent about it, so here we go again. Last week, House Majority Whip (and Republican) Tom DeLay called on Clinton to quit. DeLay claimed that Clinton had done irreparable damage to the office of the President because he lied to the American People. He also added that Clinton tried blaming his latest problems on Starr - why shouldn't he? Everybody knows that Presidents have cheated on their wives, but did that make them lousy Presidents?!? No! It's just that they didn't have a blood-thirsty hound like Starr digging through their trash cans. If Starr had simply said "Hm, this is something for a reporter not a prosecutor!" (and if Reno wasn't worried about her image) none of this would ever had happened. But nooo, Starr was bent on getting something on Clinton. I'm not surprised he found something. How many men's lives could he do that to and not find something, as well? Now that I think about it, I'd like to see someone dig into Starr's personal life!

Monday, August 17, 1998

DOES GOD HAVE A PENIS?

Recently, clerics from many different religious denominations got together to officially and in a stern manner oppose homosexuality. First off, most religious folks agree that life happens all according to God's plan. So, gays are gay because God wants them to be gay, so, how can they oppose Gods will? While we're at it - Catholic priests take a vow of celibacy because the only true love they should have is their love for God. Now, as the Christians are quite clear with us about, God is a guy. Now, doesn't that make all priests homosexual? Or is it different because God has no penis? But wait - he had to have a penis - or else how could he have gotten Mary pregnant?!? Speaking of Mary, isn't she an adulterer because she slept with someone other than her husband? Oh and doesn't that make God an adulter, too? Then again, some might argue that God's "relationship" with Mary was a "non-sexual" one. Well, let's prove it! Get Ken Starr in here to test Mary's nightgown for any "DNA Evidence". Of course, getting a DNA sample from God might be a challenge.

MiniBitch: REASON #6: WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

They're waiting to get invited on Jerry.

ENOUGH WITH LEWINSKY!

Well, we're finally at the truth. Clinton did have some sort of sexual relationship with Lewinsky - yadda - WHATEVER!! Okay MEDIA OF THE WORLD, TIME TO MOVE ON!! We don't need to hear ANYTHING else about what MIGHT have happened. WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!! NOW GET SOMETHING REAL TO WRITE ABOUT! Sheesh! Find some real freaking news to report!! And tell me about some important stuff - like the famine in Africa, or terrorist bombings in the United Kingdom, or hey - here's an idea - why do we never hear about that big continent south of us - you know - it's called South America. Does anything ever happen down there? Do they have wars? Terrorist bombings? Famines? Presidential scandals? I WANNA KNOW!

MIDOL FOR YOUR HARD DRIVE? IF ONLY

Recently, certain corporations have been complaining to Microsoft (and other software makers) that with each new version of their most popular software (MS' Office or their operating system) the amount of space they take up keeps getting larger and larger. Hence the new term "Bloatware". Now you might think that with the inflated size you'd be getting some great new features. Instead, you get features like a function that summarizes what you've just typed or a browser that is more intrusive than an Orwellian police dog. I'm tired of upgrading every year to the latest version of MS Waste-of-space, especially since I am reasonably satisfied with the present version. Why not just make something that works in the first place and stick with it?!?

Saturday, August 15, 1998

CLINTON'S PANTS IN FLAMES!

Well, today we finally got our answers. Clinton lied. Or rather, he "mislead" people by not presenting the whole truth. I commend our President for (FINALLY) coming forward and telling us all what really happened. HOWEVER, I do think he STILL has yet to be fully truthful. He said in his original deposition for the Paula Jones Case that he couldn't recall any moments where he and Lewinsky were alone. Now, since he said Monday night that he never told a straight out lie, we must ask why doesn't he remember the time he spent with her?? How many women was he with at the time??!? Well, Clinton sure knows how to secure his place in history!

Monday, August 10, 1998

NO YOU DON'T OWN THE ROAD!

I would like to take this opportunity to remind all you drivers out there that according to the United States Government, driving is a PRIVILEGE - NOT A RIGHT! Too many people today think those big, two-ton lumps of metal with wheels they drive are not weapons of death. They are. They are intensely dangerous things and are treated as though they are bumper cars. I was driving recently down a two-way, two-lane road who's speed limit is 35 miles-per-hour. I was going limit - suddenly a guy driving a black Infinity cruised up behind me and then attempted to PASS me!! I'm sorry, but you don't pass someone on a two-way, two-lane road!! Especially if the limit is 35 mph!! If it were slower and if it was a back road, perhaps - but this was a well travelled road and the guy nearly drove into an oncoming car. I don't care if he was rushing to the hospital or home to catch this week's Ally McBeal! NO ONE'S LIFE IS WORTH THE RISK! SLOW DOWN, ya dink!! USE SIGNALS and realize - YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE ON THE ROAD!! Oh yeah and I think Senior Citizens should have to take tests to determine whether or not they are still fit to have a license. Just because they drive slow doesn't mean they're driving safe!!

MiniBitch: Reason #7 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

They're waiting for Monica Lewinsky to start dating again.

MiniBitch: REASON #8 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

They're waiting for another Star Trek movie with Kirk in it.

BE VEWY QUIET, I'M HUNTING CGI SCRIPTS

Well, as you all can see, I have a nice little web site going here. I am hoping to add all sorts of fun goodies to the site, like a better poll-taking system. Right now, it's just a couple of pages I've set up with hideously enlarged web page counters from the kind folks at Link Exchange. Basically, I don't have the time to work out the kinks in a CGI program myself, so I was hoping to find a service that would provide their CGI scripts for free in exchange for advertising like so many other sites on the web do (or like the free service provided by FindMail - the folks who are hosting the Bitch-List - please sign up and read other people's bitches all day long!). Alas, I have only found one such service (aside from FindMail) and their CGI scripts only work on Netscape browsers. Now, I am no fan of Microsoft, but I do not think it's fair to limit my poll to only Netscape users. So, my point here is this: Why aren't their more services out there who do this??? The need is obviously there. Someone should fill it! I would, but I am a working professional (well, I try to be) in the real world and can barely find the time to keep up with this site!! HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!

AGAIN WITH THE REMAKES! (AND THE SEQUELS, TOO!)

Well, I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I MUST bitch about all these damn remakes and sequels coming out!! I recently read that Elizabeth "I never colored my hair" Taylor is wanted for the role of a grown-up Dorothy for a sequel to "The Wizard of Oz". WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? I've also heard Ellen Degeneres' girl friend has signed on for the role Janet Leigh originated in Hitchcock's "Psycho", which is being remade. And don't forget about the rumored remake of "Casablanca" Sean Penn wants to star in. Oh - oh - oh and don't forget about the new Superman movie starring none other than Nick "no, I was not dropped on my face as a child" Cage. WHAT IS THIS??? Is Hollywood completely incapable of making GOOD NEW FILMS?? Hm... I guess they are.

OH YEAH, LET'S TRUST LEWINSKY!

Well, apparently, Monica Lewinsky has testified that she has had "sexual relations" with the President on a number of occassions. And to this I say: BIG FAT DEAL! First off, she did add that even though she did have "sexual relations" with Clinton, he DID NOT ask her to lie about it to anyone. So, the issue should be closed. We wish. Secondly, if the President were to turn around and say that he did not have sexual relations with Lewinsky, who is the public going to believe? Some ditzy former White House Intern (who wrote White House memos on White House stationary with TYPOS!) or the leader of the free world? If only I had faith in the American public's ability to make the logical call on this one. But in the end, even if people do believe some woman who had an affair with her married drama teacher over the President of the United States, most likely they will forgive him and he'll eventually get a library named after him.

Monday, August 3, 1998

MORE ON "RYAN"

I know I just criticized "Saving Private Ryan" for its all too realistic portrayal of violence, but I must mention that I was quite disturbed by some of the reactions from some of the movie-goers who were in the theater with me. I saw the film last Friday night, a week after it opened, at the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. During the opening D-Day scene, several very disturbing moments were displayed, including some depictions that, if they were in a cartoon, could have been viewed as amusing. A small cluster of people (by small I mean 15 or so people), found these moments funny enough to laugh out loud. They laughed as events occured on screen that no human should ever have to suffer in real life. They laughed as some of the more ironic moments in war were displayed. But this was not a cartoon and the film was meant as a realistic mirror to what World War II (and other wars) were really like. How could these people laugh? I am quite baffled as the film certainly did not portray the deaths of American soldiers in a light-hearted or frivolous way like most other movies (be them war movies or just those with action scenes in them) so how could these people laugh? My only conclusion is that some people have so lost touch with the sacrifices our grandfathers made in that war that they find all images of war to be unreal and fictional. What a shame.

MiniBitch: REASON #9 WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US

Titanic isn't on video yet.

"SAVING PRIVATE RYAN" NOT A GOOD FILM?

Well, far be it from me to subscribe to the norm - so I'm not about to start now with my opinion of my idol's latest film: "Saving Private Ryan" I hate to say this, but I'm not sure how great a movie it really is. I've seen loads of war movies and I have to say that the only thing that made "Ryan" different from all the others was it's excessive realism and impressive exploding body effects. I understand that the filmmaker was trying to represent World War II in a realistic manner and he was successful - but does that neccessarily make a great movie? I saw the film two days ago and I can't remember anything aside from the violence. It may be a very good film, but I can't argue it because I can't get past the violence. Every other war movie that I have seen, that I love as a great movie ("Paths of Glory"; "Full Metal Jacket"; "Das Boot") has done as good a job delivering the message that war sucks (or the question: why do we wage war?) without as much violence. I think if Mr. S had lightened up a bit on the violence (say cutting the entire D-Day battle) there would still be plenty of bits of flesh and bone flying around to get his point across. As it stands now, the only real claim the film has is that it's the most violent war movie ever. Is that enough to make it a great movie? I don't think so. And as some veterans of World War II have said - it still wasn't as violent as the real thing. So if it's just impossible to make it as the perfectly realistic film you want it to be, why not just settle for making a good film?

PS Hey, Mr. S - it would have been nice of you to remind us as to why we Americans were IN that war, you know because generally, I think it was a pretty good cause and all. You know, STOPPING HITLER AND SAVING THE JEWS. I feel like it's almost insulting that you didn't allow for SOME sort of acknowledgement that the war needed to be fought.

CLINTON IN DISTRESS (or ON the dress!)

Now this is just nuts. Lewinsky's given over the dress that she was supposedly wearing while she performed a sexual act on the President. So, now DNA experts are examining the dress for any "leftover biological material that could contain DNA." Of course you realize that they'll need to match any DNA they find on the dress to Clinton - even if it's not his. Now this is all being compared to the last case where DNA evidence took a major role. OJ Simpson was compelled to provide hair and blood samples. It was okay when OJ did it, so why would it not be okay for Clinton to do it? Simple - OJ was on trial for MURDER. Clinton is on trial for PERJURY. If I were Clinton, I would fight this one all the way. He's the President of the United States of America for God's Sake - and we're going to make him provide DNA samples to prove whether or not he ejaculated on this poor girl? CAN'T THIS WAIT??? Why do we need to know all this stuff NOW? Why can't we just hold off until he's no longer THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD?

Meanwhile, public opinion polls taken across the country overwhelmingly indicate that Americans, in general, DON'T GIVE A CRAP!