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THE INKSTREME BALLPOINT
ADVENTURES

Monday, September 28, 1998

MORE EVIDENCE??

Short Main Bitch this week. Here it is:

MORE evidence?!?! WHAT more can there possibly be? Do we have the sales receipt from when Clinton bought the cigar and Altoids??? We need to hold a special vote to let the American people decide whether to just end this now or to continue this "trial". I think then after a nation-wide vote our wonderful government, idiots that they are, will realize that we all want just one thing: THE END TO THIS MESS!

WHERE'S MY UPGRADE, BILL?

OKAY Mister Gates! I've been waiting over three months for my upgrade to Win98!! Of course, I'm not going to actually USE it, but I blew a lot of cash on a new PC that had a free upgrade included. I WANT MY DAMN UPGRADE! Hey - anything I can do to get something free off of Microsoft, I will DO IT!

MiniBitch: THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE

Their commercials will annoy you. I guarantee it.

MASH IS GREAT IT'S TV THAT SUCKS

Well, not too long ago, the FX network started running the CLASSIC television series MASH. M.A.S.H., in case you're curious, stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital but it might as well stand for the Mightiest American SHow! Because it is. It's a drama in a sitcom's clothing. Don't peg it as indecisive, peg it as EVERYTHING. I have trouble going back to regular sitcoms after watching just one episode of MASH. It makes you laugh, cry and think about life and death in just 23 minutes. Now you might think: 'How is this a bitch, Pete?' I know - so far I've just been praising this show for how great it is. Well, here is where it turns into a bitch. MASH went off the air back before "Back to the Future" was a new movie - translation: TV has had VERY little to offer intelligent people in more than TEN YEARS! In fact TV SUCKS in general when compared to MASH. Seinfeld is shallow crap, Mad About You comes very close but doesn't quite make it while Friends is just... Bad. SO WATCH MASH and when it's over... read a book.

IT'S NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU!

ARG!! Why is it that whenever I start a job it starts out as one thing very clearly but before too long my boss always tries to get me to do more things that usually have NOTHING to do with my first job? Like, I recently had this data entry job that kept trying to turn itself into a secretarial position and eventually DID turn itself into a receptionist position. Now, don't get me wrong, I need the money - as most of us do. I just wish my boss could pick one thing for me to do and let me do it. Like life, jobs are never as simple or clean as our bosses make them out to be. Life is screwed up enough - so, to all the bosses out there: PLEASE! PICK ONE THING FOR YOUR EMPLOYESS TO DO AND LEAVE THEM ALONE!! PLEEEEASE! Life is unpredictable enough! Thanks for reading!

Monday, September 21, 1998

MiniBitch: REASON #1: WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US:

Afraid they'll get subpoenaed by Ken Starr.

TIME FOR BILL TO QUIT

All right - now, I've always been a defender of the President. But I think the STARR/CLINTON/LEWINSKY mess (SCLM) has caused too much damage to Clinton and hi power to lead. I'm not talking all this "moral" crap that the Bible-Belters and republicans are going on about. I am referring to the children of our nation growing up right now. They look at someone like the leader of the free world and think that maybe adultery is not so bad a thing. Especially since people say that it hasn't had any influence on how he does his job. Kids will think this kind of thing is troublesome, but in general, okay behavior. Parents all over the country are having a pretty hard time explaining this to their kids. And don't blame the coverage - I am SO glad that the media is covering all of this in such detail. This will force future presidents to keep their wicks dry and their pants zipped. Thank GOD! While I'm thinking about it, forget the presidency, he gives even scummy guys a bad name!

AOL - "L" FOR LOSERS?

EVERYTHING you can get on AOL you can find elsewhere for the same amount or less. Chat rooms, financial info, et cetera are all on the web for free aside from the monthly fee you pay your Internet Service Provider. But OH NO!! With an ISP (Internet Service Provider) you actually have to SETUP a Dial-Up connection on your PC - YOURSELF!! And you have to pull up your email program and your browser SEPERATELY!!! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!! YOU HAVE TO THINK! NO, NOT THAT!! YES, THAT!!!! Personally, I LIKE having to figure things out and learning how my computer works. AOL asks nothing of its users - no coordination, no knowledge and no thinking. So, in a sense, AOL is Internet for dummies.

NEWS IS NEWS

When you have news that news is about to occur, that is news. You follow? So basically, most of the crap that we've been watching on the evening news and on CNN has been coverage of stories developing without actually meaning anything. Why waste my time telling me about how Congress is going to vote? It's the OJ case all over again! My policy during all that was this: "HEY ITO, WHEN YA GOT A VERDICT, LET ME KNOW." I feel the same way now. I don't care about Congress thinking about releasing tapes, but when they have a solid date, I want to hear about it! Just don't waste my time with "Sometime this week the President will..." or "Sources say that Clinton will do..." WHATEVER! I WANT NEWS!!! Let me know what has ACTUALLY happened!!! Don't BS me into tuning in only to discover that nothing has actually occurred today. I DON'T CARE about what MAY happen just what already HAS happened. NO NEWS IS NO NEWS, DAMN IT!

CONGRESS IS UP TO SOMETHING

Are we all gullible enough to think that it was mere coincidence that Clinton's video taped testimony was released the same day he gave a speech to the UN on Terrorism? During the Watergate Scandal, evidence would be scrutinized for months! Here, this testimony is barely one month old. Doesn't it seem odd that Congress is moving so quickly in its release of the tape and the Starr Report? I can't help but think this is a tactic put forth by a Republican dominated Congress with the interest of slamming the President. If you think that this is just Congress finally moving as quickly as it should - you need your sanity chip checked - when has Congress ever moved quickly on anything?? This is motivated by Gingrich who would like to see Clinton resign in embarrassment and Gore moved into the White House before the January 20th deadline. You see, there's this odd rule that says if the VP is moved into the Oval Office with more than a year to go in the term, he CANNOT run for his own first full term. And no Republican wants Gore in office. Of course, I'm no Republican.

Tuesday, September 15, 1998

HEY! SOMEBODY DIED!

On July 16th, 1998, two Portland Oregon residents in their twenties jumped off of a steel bridge that stretched over the Willamette River a major roadway and a commuter railway. They didn't fall into the river. They didn't fall into rush hour traffic. They didn't fall in front of a commuter train. Their necks snapped as the nooses around their necks pulled taught. They were heroin addicts and their addiction had left them penniless and distraught. Apparently, there's not much help available for heroin addicts in Portland. And obviously no one tried to talk to them. If they did, they didn't try hard enough. However, now, volunteers at a local drug hotline claim that they have taken this "cry for help" to heart. Well, great, volunteers who enjoy helping addicts are paying attention, well that's good. What about the rest of the world? Drugs may suck. People may be stupid to try them. That couple may have been stupid to take heroin. But the thing about drugs is that there's no education about them. It took these two people dying to get volunteers to take notice. Now, I get very frustrated and infuriated when death in some form or another is what gets people's attention. Why do most people just wander through life thinking that nothing is wrong and that everyone is happy? Wake up! It shouldn't take two people hanging from their necks over rush hour traffic to get people to notice their plight.

SHOCKWAVE? SCHLOCKWAVE!

What is the deal with this thing? Dozens of sites around the web have all been "shocked" and frankly I don't understand why. Many of those sites don't give you a choice before loading the Shockwave application so you sit there wondering what the heck's going on until you notice way at the bottom, a link to a non-shocked site. Now, some sites do give you a choice, but personally, I don't understand why they bother with Shockwave at all. It's not that hot. Plus it takes almost as long as Java to load and when I am trying to find something out or download pics, I really don't give a crap about fancy-shmancy effects. Just give me the data I want. Shockwave is just an overblown gimmick. Just say NO to SCHLOCKWAVE.

While I'm at it, I'd also like to whine about those stupid pages that are nothing but graphics. HELLO? YOU DESIGNERS may have wicked quick connections but the rest of us DON'T!! So LOSE the graphics and JUST GIVE ME THE INFORMATION!! JEEEEZ!

MORE HARBINGERS OF DOOM!

Here are more shows from the fall line up that I know will bomb. I guarantee it. Costello (FOX) A show about a girl named Sue Costello. SUE Costello?!? If her best friend's last name is Abbott I will scream... Conrad Bloom (NBC) A show about a cute guy in New York. Even TV Guide described it as "Conrad in the City". This one strikes me as super bland. It's a skipper! Then, there's Will and Grace (NBC) which is about a straight woman who lives with a gay guy. Um, didn't this flop at the box office recently with that chick from Friends?

Wind On Water (NBC) is the show that stars Bo Derek and a host of other beautiful white people who are all into extreme sports. Ooh yeah - the American Public being the active sorts they are will be sure to identify with this show! Hyperion Bay (WB) is about two brothers who don't see eye-to-eye but are forced to deal with one another because one is broke or something. Whatever. There's nothing here very interesting. (I thought it was a scifi show at first!) Felicity (WB) explores the life of an insanely cute girl who goes off to college in the big city. Aren't these shows supposed to have hooks?!?

Charmed (WB) Remember that semi-lame movie a few years back starring four hot female teens as witches? Well, this jumps on the "Buffy" bandwagon as "The Craft" The Series only they're sisters. This one has BOMB written all over it. Then, there is The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer (UPN) which is about a little known (and fictional, I think) butler of Abraham Lincoln who happens to be black. Uh, hello? A period show?!? 'Nuff said. Mercy Point (UPN) This one is about doctors in the first state-of-the-art hospital in space. It's got Joe Morton in it, so I'll be pulling for this one, but it's not Star Trek, but it sounds like it wants to be. And since what is new Star Trek on TV these days shouldn't be on TV, I bet this one's going to evaporate in the coldness of space.

7 Days (UPN) is about a guy who can travel only 7 days into the past to prevent disasters that occur now. Too bad this one's on before Voyager, no one will ever watch! Not that it deserves to be - Timecop flopped, why shouldn't this one? And finally we have Legacy which is about a 19th century family that raise horses and grow tobacco. Another period show. Sheesh. Like I said, we are all in trouble!

MiniBitch: REASON #2WHY ALIENS HAVEN'T VISITED US:

They hate frames, too.

McGWIRE A BOY SCOUT? OR NOT!

There I was. What a great game! Watching Mark McGwire hit that 62nd homerun was quite a thrill, even though I was at home watching on my TV. I was happy - finally, America had someone to look up to. Check this guy out: he's handsome, he's a dedicated father, nice to his competition, respectful to Roger Maris' family and he managed to be the first to break Maris' record for most homeruns in a single season. But much to my lack of surprise, he is not perfect.

In fact, he uses steroids. That's right - steroids.

According to an article at Time.com McGwire takes a nutritional supplement called Androstenedione. According to the article, it allows the body to use it as sort of spare part for building more testosterone. Testosterone is the chemical your body uses to build muscles. So, more testosterone equals more muscles. So, technically, McGwire is cheating. Especially when you consider that Androstenedione is banned by the NFL and the Olympics. Thanks Mr. McGwire for almost bringing some purity back to the game.

For more info, read the Time.com article [http://cgi.pathfinder.com/time/magazine/1998/dom/980907/personal_time.your_heal28.html|HERE].

Special thanks to my pal Becky Mroczkowski for tipping me off about McGwire!

Monday, September 7, 1998

RUSSIA ROCKS!

Well, it rocks from the stand point of an observer, anyway! I'd HATE to live there right now. Once again, Yeltsin's people have refused to accept the person he has nominated for Prime Minister. Now, with the new rules of the Russian Government, Yeltsin is now in a position that allows him to fire all of his people and hire a new set, until he can find some one who will do what he wants. What a mess. Meanwhile, his economy is SO bad, many of his citizens have resorted to the barter system. What is that about??? We're talking a step back to ancient times, here! They're no longer being paid with money, they get paid in pantyhose, or steaks or worse - store credit!! What good is that when the store can't afford to stock anything?!?! What a mess! (Did I say that already?) Here's my solution - send Bill Gates in! He can afford to invest heavily in the country's economy. And hey - if he wants to know what would be in it for him, give him country credit! I can see it now "Russia 2000 from Microsoft"!!

iMAC, THEREFORE I VOMIT

Okay, now Jeff Goldblum is telling us that "PC" stands for all sorts of things aside from Personal Computer. If things called "PC" are so bad, why is my girlfriend's Mac called a PowerPC? Does that mean she owns a Power "Physically Complicated"? No, it does not. Does Apple really think the only way to inflate their sales is by resorting to political campaign tactics? Does Apple think slinging mud at it's competitors will help things for them? Apple is supposed to always take the higher ground yet now it's advertising slams PCs. That may help their sales, but it will also encourage this ridiculous bitterness between Mac users and PC owners. It's ridiculous really, as every problem I have had with my PC I have seen my girlfriend have with her PowerMac. So, really, both machines suck and now we must debate which machine sucks less. So, I will say just one thing without lowering myself too close to Jeff Goldbloom's level. iMac: Computers for dummies.

MARK MY WORDS WE'RE IN TROUBLE!

There used to be a time when I would scramble, frothing at the mouth to find out about the new shows on tap for the upcoming fall season. Not anymore. I look at the lineup now and think how happy I am that I have over 400 video tapes in my collection. (If you wonder why I still NEED to watch TV with that many tapes in my home I have two words for you: MTV Generation!) So, for the record I have gone through the fall lineups and picked out the shows that I GUARANTEE will bomb. Mark my words. Here we go:
The Hughleys(ABC) - The black "All in the Family"? They tried that already. It bombed. Sports Night(ABC) - Well, you'll sure get all the sports fans to watch, but what about the rest of us? You know, more women watch TV than men. Secret Lives of Men(ABC) - Oh yeah, a show about three guys who suspiciously all get divorced at the same time. This will also be a big hit for women. Vengeance Unlimited(ABC) - Didn't anybody LEARN anything from the failure of "The Sentinel"?? The Brian Benben Show(CBS) - I hated this guy and his smarmy-ass-kissing grin when he was on "Dream On". Who thinks this guy can do his own show?? LA Doctors(CBS) - Oh puhlease - We've done lawyers, cops, firemen and now we must do doctors in LA? What happened to these shows having hooks??? Costello(FOX) - I don't even know what this show is about. I'm just assuming it will suck. Brimstone(FOX) - This will bomb, only because it's about a guy in Hell (the actual place) who makes a deal with Satan to track down a bunch of escaped damned souls in exchange for his own soul back. See? It's too cool to not get cancelled. Holding The Baby(FOX) - Baby comedies never work. Plus have you seen the promos? This show is NOT funny.

Okay, that's it for this week, more predictions of doom for the schedule, next week!

Sunday, September 6, 1998

OF COURSE IT'S THE WHITE GUY

Well, with all of this hubub regarding the breaking (or at least matching) of Roger Maris' homerun record I had to put in my two cents. I am begining to think that God himself is racist. Here's this great race - two guys, one white and one black, who get along really well. And they're racing to beat this record for the most homeruns in a season set by Roger Maris, years ago. The white guy grew up in a healthy family and went to the University of Southern California. This guy has all the breaks. And of course, he is #1 in line to beat the record. The black guy is a former shoe-shine boy. He didn't go to college, having grown up in the Dominican Republic, playing stickball in bare feet, using an empty milk carton as a glove. When he made it big in the majors, he sent loads of money home, buying his mother FOUR homes. This guy has come so far, yet fate, God, the powers that be, whomever, have put him in second place. Life sucks that way. He's come so far, but unless he breaks the record first, he will most likely be forgotten. I just wish fate, or God or whomever could just see fit to let this poor guy pass this white guy who has had loads of breaks. Give the black man a break.

MiniBitch: REASON #3 WHY ALIENS HAVEN"T VISITED US

Had to travel back to their home world to get more cash to buy Titanic on video.