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ADVENTURES

Monday, November 30, 1998

THE HOLIDAYS, WHY DO WE DO IT FOR OURSELVES

With Thanksgiving now out of the way and the winter holidays around the corner, I am reminded of all of the warm family gatherings that the holidays are best known for.

Wait - WHAT warm family gatherings?

Since WHEN are family gatherings WARM???

Holidays exist not to provide people with a few days off, they provide an opportunity to give up your personal opinions, your right to choose and your ability to do what you want. In other words, Holidays are meant to be spent with family.

I chatted with a couple of my friends after the Turkey Day holiday and they both told me how happy they were to have spent the majority of the weekend (or the entire weekend) alone, doing their own thing. It's not that they don't love their family, it's just that they would much rather do what THEY want to do. You see everyday life allows for only so much personal control over your schedule and general decision making process - so to give up what little control you do have is a pain in the ass. I had the option of visiting with my girlfriend's parents and my Dad over four days, this past weekend or staying at home, writing and doing things around the house. I opted for the latter. If I hadn't, my GF and I would have gone from her Mom's to her Dad's to my Dad's in less than four days. Not much time to actually enjoy ourselves. So, I stayed home. What insanity it would have been to go! And I'm sure I'm not the only one who dreads facing the unfortunate self-truths that only family can remind you of.

Oh and don't forget dealing with that drunk uncle, or maybe the aunt who never closes the door when she pees and the grandmother who can't keep all fifteen of her grandchildren's names straight. And then there's the dreaded KIDS table. Will I EVER be old enough to escape this version of HELL?

MINIBITCH: OLDEST KNOWN FLOWERING PLANT DISCOVERED

Thank GOD, I thought they'd NEVER FIND IT!

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (November 30. 1998)

1. Gus Van Sant - Read [http://thepete.com/dont-go-crazy-for-psycho/|this] if you don't know why.

2. KEN STARR - I LOVED you on 20/20, you hypocrite!

3. AOL - First ICQ and now Netscape - MS, look out!

4.Adam Sandler - I bet this guy's really big in France.

5.Oprah Winfrey - I saw her on TV AGAIN and this annoyed me.

DON'T GO CRAZY FOR PSYCHO!

PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU! BOYCOTT THE NEW VERSION OF PSYCHO!

WHY?

Because it's not a remake, it's a RIP-OFF!!!

Rather than trying to take an old idea and reinvigorate it with new ideas, he's making a shot-for-shot recreation. Why do this? Here's a quote from the movie's "director" Gus Van Sant at the movie's web site: "I felt that, sure, there were film students, cinephiles and people in the business who were familiar with Psycho but that there was also a whole generation of movie-goers who probably hadn't seen it,"

So, therefore we should rip-it off, shoot it again and market it as a new thing? I guess so. But he continues. "I thought this was a way of popularizing a classic, a way I'd never seen before. It was like staging a contemporary production of a classic play while remaining true to the original." Yeah, right - when you stage a new version of an old play, you don't block it EXACTLY the same way - using the same props, the same movements but different costumes and a tweaked script. I mean WHY DO THIS?!?

If it's an experiment, than make it a LITERAL COPY - shoot it in black and white, with the same music, the same shots, the same props, the same EVERYTHING - even the script, complete with all of the dialog intact. If it's not an experiment MAKE A WHOLE NEW FILM. Take the old script and REWRITE IT! Add new things to it! Remake it - put a new slant to it. MAKE IT NEW, don't sorta do a remake that only tries to change a few convenient things. I mean - if Van Sant REALLY wanted to re-introduce the classic near-perfection of PSYCHO, then why not get behind a movement to rerelease the original?? Wouldn't that be a better way of showing people how great the film is? Instead of doing that, Van Sant decides to TAKE COMPLETE ADVANTAGE of the CLASSIC NAME of PSYCHO and USE it to make money. What this amounts to is highway robbery. If Van Sant had any true talent, he'd make a movie that HASN'T been seen before and that would have just as big an effect on the American film-going public.

If all he's interested in doing is reintroducing a classic, why not get Universal to rerelease it? With the right marketing campaign it could do pretty well - you know they didn't remake Wizard of Oz - THEY RERELEASED IT! This act has earned GUS VAN SANT the first BIRD AWARD EVER!!

BATTLING WINDOWS

As many of us are, I am a busy person. So, I am always trying to multi-task. This is when you do many things at once.

Windows 95 is supposed to let you do this and it does, for the most part. But often, I'll be writing a script while simultaneously researching the script on the web. So basically, I will type in MS Word, then jump over to MSIE 4.0, enter a search and jump back to Word to continue writing.

Now, instead of just running the search and waiting happily for me to click on it again, THE BROWSER jumps on top of the Word window because it's done loading whatever page it was loading. The same thing happens with other applications I use. Why do these windows act like what they are doing is more important that anything I am doing?

What's with this apparent sense of self-importance?

Hell, why can't there be a feature to turn that self-importance off?

This is more Bill Gates crap for ya. I bet he thinks everything he does is more important than ANYTHING.

Which is ironic because if anything he does is more important than anything else, then whatever one thing he is doing at the moment will come first over anything else he is doing, unless he is on a machine with Windows 95. I think there's some irony in there somewhere...

A SPACE STATION WITH RUSSIA?!?

THIS just makes SO MUCH SENSE!!

Out of some ridiculous show of respect, NASA and a handful of other QUALITY space organizations got together and thought, gee, since Russians made it into space first, they should be included in the building of a multi-national space station. Oh yeah - this makes sense.

After their entire political system crashed and burned, NASA still thought: "Let's involve the Russians!"

After the Russian space program decided that even though Mir has a shelf life of a Twinkie (seven years) that they would keep Mir in operation for over eleven years, NASA still thought: "Let's involve the Russians!"

After the Russian Space Program RAN OUT OF MONEY, NASA thought: "Let's involve the Russians! AND let's give them 60 million dollars so they can finish the work they said they'd do!"

After the Russian Space Program delayed launch of its section of the space station thanks to yet more financial problems, NASA STILL THOUGHT: "Let's involve the Russians!"

AND NOW that Russians are paying their people with HUNTING LICENSES, what does NASA think??? "Let's involve the Russians!"

No wonder we're NOT traveling to other planets yet!! WE'RE IDIOTS!!!

Monday, November 23, 1998

YOU KNOW ENGLISH, DONTCHA?

What IS it with your basic Americans speaking English these days??? I have noticed so many people screwing up their mother tongue over the past year or so. EVERYONE seems to be letting little mistakes into their everyday speech patterns. It's quite annoying to someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW TO SPEAK.

And it's not just morons either - there's a computer company that has splashed a grammatically incorrect slogan across billboards all over America. Are you familiar with the phrase: "Think Different"? Well, it should be "Think DifferentLY". Unless they happen to be addressing a person actually named Different, in which case, I don't think it's a very good slogan as my name is Pete.

Another annoyingly noticeable and all too common screw up is the usage of the word "good". If something is tasty, you say: "It tastes good." But if your taste buds are incredibly acute, do you say "They taste good?" No, "They taste well." The psychic on the phone told you things she couldn't have known, so she was good but the prozac you are on doesn't work good on your mood swings, it works WELL. Then there's the OFT misspoken phrase "I couldn't care less." Now EVERYBODY screws this one up and it bugs the CRAP outta me.

When people don't give a damn about something would it be logical to say "I COULD CARE less about the results of that herpes test."? No, it wouldn't - here's why: If you say you COULD CARE less, then, in fact, it WOULD be possible for you to have less care which, in fact, means you DO care about the results of the herpes test at some level when the message you were trying to send was that you did not care at all. Now, if you were to say: "I COULD NOT care less about the results of the herpes test." Then that would make sense, you see? You are saying that you are incapable of having any less amount of care than you already do. So think BEFORE you open your mouth, okay? THANKS!

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (November 23, 1998)

1. Whoever's in charge of Korea - WHAT? Just because SADDAM can do it, you can too??

2. KEN STARR - Boy, it sure was fun watching YOU dodge questions for once!

3. AOL - You want to buy NETSCAPE? You want MORE Inet dominance?!?

4.Tamara Maldonado - Anyone who uses a STOLEN credit card to by over 200 Beanie Babies needs more than six months in jail!!

5.Oprah Winfrey - If I can NOT see her for a WEEK straight, I'll take away her permanent spot on this page.

MINIBITCH: UPN'S "7 DAYS"

Why don't they just call it "Weak"?

NOTHING COMPARES TO LUKE

You know, before November 17th, 1998, there were a number of films I was looking forward to between now and next summer. There were at least three animated films I was really interested in seeing as well as a few live action films including a science fiction film or two. But since that Tuesday - November 17, that has all changed. I saw that damn PHANTOM MENACE trailer.

As it did for many people, it blew me away. Sure, the effects weren't perfect and the trailer really did bring up more questions than it answered - but now it's RUINED all other films for me. I can think of only one film I want to see any time soon and that is STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE. I had a friend ask me if I was excited at all about the release of the NINTH Star Trek film. I had to stop for a moment before I responded with: "Star What?"

Truth be told, I couldn't care less. I've even stopped watching DS9 and VOYAGER. Of course that speaks to both the effect the PHANTOM MENACE trailer had on me as much as it speaks to the quality of the last season of both present Trek incarnations. So now, PRINCE OF EGYPT, A BUGS LIFE, STAR TREK: INSUR-whatever and at least a dozen other films coming out between now and PM-Day (May 21st, 1999) have no value to me. If I get a chance to see them, great, if not WHO CARES. The most important thing to me now, is that I start saving up money so I will be able to buy all the toys, shirts, any other PM crap and TICKETS to see the movie as often as I want. Actually, I don't know if this is a bitch or a "thanks". Sure, the PM trailer has just set up standards that no other film (including itself) could live up to, I'll probably SKIP a lot more films thus saving myself a lot of money and TIME!! Hm, so I guess I should end this by saying, thanks George, ya bastard!

DON'T EVEN TRY TO UPGRADE

I should have known better... I recently received a web camera as a gift from my Mom. It's really pretty cool, the only problem is, it plugs into my PC via the parallel port, which is presently taken up by my zip drive which also has my printer running through it. So, every time I want to use the thing, I need to shut down the PC, unplug the zip drive and plug in the webcam. Which is fine, but I was thinking "Wouldn't it be cool if I didn't have to do that?"

I decided to buy a new parallel port for my PC. I found a really good price - $10! I figured if it didn't work, I'd just take it back. I installed it and had to do a bit of manipulation of my system config but finally I got it working. But before long, my printer stopped working. Then my zip drive started flaking. It seemed that my PC couldn't handle two parallel ports and didn't know where to go for data or where to put it, despite the fact that I told it. The moral of the story? Don't add stuff - more RAM is fine (as long as it's the right kind of RAM) but anything else, in my personal experience, does nothing but guarantee yourself a helluva a lot more work than you're ready for. Trust me!

NOW ANYONE CAN DO IT!

Well, jeez - is anyone surprised that less than a week after Saddam successfully refused to hold off UN weapons inspectors for a time that now Korean officials are trying the same trick? This is obviously a precedent we don't want to be set or else any country with a chemistry degree will be performing nuclear tests in their backyard. We as a country and the UN as an international organization MUST play the big kid on the block and stop the little kids from playing with guns. Guns - nothing - these are more like automatic weapons. This is a ridiculous game and treating these small countries like adults is the first mistake. We Americans have experimented with nuclear weapons and we've realized they're a dead end. We have to take these smaller countries by the hand and TELL them that nuclear weapons are NOT toys - not badges of honor or symbols of power but in fact are devices built to kill and kill on a massive scale. When you use enough of them, they're planet killers. DON'T MESS WITH THEM. If they don't listen, if they don't immediately stop all nuclear testing, we need to go in and dismantle all nuclear weapons - PERIOD, THE END. It's not about "right and wrong" it's about LIFE AND DEATH. The life and death of millions of people. Possibly even YOUR life. When I was a teenager I had accepted the fact that I probably wouldn't live to see my twenties thanks to a wall of nuclear flame that would INCINERATE a TWENTY-FIVE MILE diameter circle around New York City when a SINGLE nuclear missile struck that city. I don't ever want to have to accept that again. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO.

Wednesday, November 18, 1998

I WISH LIFE WERE PLUG AND PLAY

But even if life were plug and play, it still wouldn't be any easier. You know why? Because even that stupid phrase, meant to describe the ease in which one may install an application or device on your Winduhs 95 PC is a lie. Because even when things are supposed to be simple or easy, they just totally aren't! NOT EVEN CLOSE!! You'd think getting your car inspected would be simple. NOPE! I did it and it failed. Okay, I get it fixed, right? NOPE! Get it looked at and then get it fixed right? NOPE! Turns out the estimate they gave me for a new catalytic converter seemed like it might be a bit high ($500-$600 installed) so I decided to shop around. I discovered that the converter alone costs under $100! So, basically, the guy was trying to take me for over $400!! I mean - WHAT a DICKWEED! That's what annoys me above and beyond what just naturally goes wrong in the natural course of life - the fact that most of what goes wrong in life is ANOTHER PERSON'S FAULT! I mean, come on! Over charging me by $400?!? What a bastard! And this sort of thing goes on all the time. Parking Ticket people - here in LA, we have an ENTIRE DEPARTMENT set aside for ONLY parking tickets! And what rights does illegal parking really infringe upon? I mean, sure - handicapped spaces and mouths of driveways and the like should still be patrolled, but so WHAT if a meter runs out and I'm not back at my car yet. WHO CARES? See - we do it to ourselves. We've got to stop doing it to ourselves. PLEASE, in your day, think about how you can give a hand to your fellow human. I'm not talking dole out some cash to homeless folks. I mean think about where you park your car, are you leaving enough space for the guy behind you to get out? Stuff like that. It's not brain surgery, it's just called "being helpful".

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (November 18, 1998)

1. Saddam Hussein - Why do I think we haven't heard the last of him?

2. Bruce Willis - The US Government just asked him to save NYC. Is he going to say no? God, I hope so!

3. George Lucas - For making such a COOL trailer - I can't wait until MAY!!

4.People with those annoying laser pointers - You know, pointing a red dot at movie screens is just NOT cute anymore.

5.Oprah Winfrey - So, when's BELOVED out on video?

MINIBITCH: STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE

I STILL hate that title!

FINALLY SOMETHING THAT MATTERS WITH MONICA

After way too long a wait, the tapes Linda Tripp recorded of Monica have been released. Why do I say they should have been released sooner? Because they seem to be the only things that really made a case against our good old Prez. I was annoyed at how at this point in all of this the tapes are looked at as more of the same old crap. But FINALLY, here is our opportunity to hear how Monica really talked about her sorta-kinda-boyfriend - in her own words - in her own voice - spin-doctor free. Now, I tried listening to the tapes at cnn.com, but of course, their server was jammed so every thirty seconds my Real Media Player would pause thanks to net congestion. So, instead of listening to the tapes and interpretting Monica and Linda's words as their own, I was forced to trust various news organizations to play me the crucial, important parts on TV. Of course, they only played the sensational bits. The bits where Monica talked about how she fell in love with Clinton and how she called him a butthead. To his face. The excerpts, while amusing and even entertaining at times, were just another obvious grab at ratings as opposed to a genuine attempt to deliver reasonably objective reporting of the news. Am I REALLY expecting too much here? Why is it that the real news-people of the world are either dead or long-since-sold-out. You think Kronkite covered John Glenn's latest space flight for CNN because he wanted to meet the voice of Darth Vader? I bet Edward R. Murrow is about ready to tear off his wings and come back down to Earth to show us all how it's done! I wish he would!

PS As I type this, it's 3:15am on 11/18 - I am making more attempts to listen to Linda and Monica's greatest hits with just slightly larger success. I am still dealing with mucho net congestion - even at this time of the night! So much for the information super-highway. More like the information super-bike-path.

IT'S A NEW OS, CHARLIE BROWN!

If you hit the cnn.com website as much as I do, you probably noticed the article they posted about this operating system that just might be a decent alternative to Winduhs 95/98. The article intrigued me so much, I decided to hit some of the "related links" at the bottom. I hit two or three quasi-official Linux sites looking for information regarding whether my needs could be fullfilled by switching from Win95 to Linux. At first things looked pretty inviting. Linux is a more stable system and it's free. But I wanted to know exactly what it did and what it would require me as a user to do and to know how to do. To my dismay, I could find nothing that could clearly answered my questions. I guess I'm too much of a sucker for Win95's ease of use, but if Linux isn't as easy to deal with or easier, it's not much of an alternative. I'm all for bucking the system and I will look for sites that better explain how Linux works and looks and so forth. But until somebody can put in terms a regular non-hyper-computer-guy can understand, I'm continuing to think stupid.

IN A STATE OF LUCASIA

If you read last week's Big Bitch (still available [http://thepete.com/the-phantom-what/|here]) you read how the trailer to the new STAR WARS movie was to premiere on November 20. Well, in typical Lucasian form, George has thrown us Star Wars geeks for a loop and released the trailer to a handful of theaters around North America three days early. Now, being the hyper-geek I am, I was going nuts wanting to see this thing. I am thoroughly broke these days, but what kind of geek would I be if I didn't go see the trailer at the first chance I got? Then a few pics from the trailer popped up around the web and of course, I could not resist the darkside. I looked at them and then I decided I HAD to go see the trailer - regardless of what movie it was playing in front of. Well, here in West LA, it was playing in front of (and after!) the film THE SIEGE starring Denzel and Bruce. Here's the bitch: the film was put out by 20th Century Fox - the same folks that are distributing STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE. So, this thing was just a ploy to get all us fanboys out to see a crappy movie from Fox. This is TOTAL Lucas, too - anything to make some money - not that I respect him less as an artist. There's nothing wrong with being smart when it comes to getting money out of us sheep, but I still felt a little cheated. But I showed them!! After I saw the trailer, I got up and left! So I didn't even see their stupid film!! HA!! ...wait a minute...

Monday, November 9, 1998

THE PHANTOM WHAT?!?

I suppose this may be old news to some of you, but not too long ago, George Lucas announced the title to his fourth installment (and prequel to the first installment) in his Star Wars series. Now I suppose I am quite biased being that I am a HUGE fan of the Star Wars Saga but I must admit being very disappointed when I heard the title for the first time.

"The Phantom Menace".

I hope and pray that Lucas hasn't dropped into Andrew-Lloyd-Webber-Mode thinking that just because the last thing he made was incredibly well-received by the public that he can create a movie as bad as "Aspects of Love" was (compared to "Phantom") and expect everyone to like it. This title is not a good sign, nor are rumors that it's going to be a "kids' movie". I understand that there are toys based on the series, but I believe it is possible to have a toyline and still have it be fun for the adults.

Well, if you're like me, you'll probably want to head to the movies the weekend of November 20th to see the new trailers they'll be running (and the new movie poster) in theaters. I have a very bad feeling about this...

YOU'RE WATCHING STAR TREK ON THE SCI-FI CHANNEL

(yeah like we could forget!)

Are you a Trekkie, like me? If you are, you may have been tuning in to the Sci-Fi Channel everyday to watch their broadcast of the supposed "uncut" and supposed "restored" version of the classic Star Trek series from the late 60s. Now, at first glance, you'd think "uncut" meant "without commercials". Also you'd think "restored" meant that they had cleaned up the original print or added extra footage. Both assumptions would be wrong.

What "uncut" actually means is that all of the original footage is aired with an abundance of cuts for copious commercials. All told, in each 90 minute episode there are 30 minutes of commercials! That's compared to the standard 24 minutes of ads in a any other 90 minute broadcast. "Uncut"? Hardly.

Then the "restored" part seems to also mean that all of the original footage is aired. Of course, this is no huge deal, after all, if you want to see the classic Star Trek episodes the way the Sci-Fi channel is airing them, all you have to do is go to your local video store and rent the episodes. The only real benefit to watching the episodes on the Sci-Fi Channel are the short interview/host segments. But between the 30 minutes of TV ads and the 50 minutes of classic Trek episode, that leaves only ten minutes to hear supposed "Trek Insights".

Of course, three to four minutes of that is taken up with promos for the next few episodes and that episode's credits, you end up with 6 minutes of interview/host segments. And what's worse is that they've started repeating comments from the actors. So the next time you think the Sci-Fi Channel is cool, just remember ALL those times you had to listen to how proud Leonard Nimoy is to be a part of this "historic" rebroadcast and how Sulu was a "consummate professional" according to George Takei. I know there's no such thing as "truth in advertising" but this is ridiculous!

I'VE GIVEN UP!

I'VE BEEN BROKEN! I have just tossed all hope of having my PC run smoothly out the window. Before my last hard drive went south for the existence, it ran beautifully! I never had any lockups - no weird glitches - no nothing. I thought everything was finally going my way PC-wise. BUT NOOOOOO! My hard drive had terminal corruption so I had to replace it. Luckily, IBM replaced it within only a few days. Pretty nice service. BUT now the new one isn't configured properly and I can't (for the life of me) figure out what is in the wrong place.

It turns out that at random points, occasionally, when I pull up a web page, my system locks up. After much pondering I have decided that I have more important things to do than try to tell my PC how to operate. You know, like that thing most of us have - oh what is that thing called? Oh yes - A LIFE. So the next time you realize you've just spent three hours trying to get your 'puter to run right, do what I do, tell your computer to go to hell and remember to back up your files, ALWAYS AND OFTEN!

MINIBITCH: WHAT MAKES SPECIAL EFFECTS SO SPECIAL?

Just once I'd like to see UNspecial effects.

WHY ARE ALL THE POWERFUL PEOPLE STUPID?

I've noticed something about those in the position of power. They're idiots. Or at least, they seem to be. Why else would Stephen Spielberg make a film of immense importance and not make sure it was marketed properly? He made a wonderful film called "Amistad" only to have it bomb in theaters because nobody even knew it existed and if they did, they knew little about it.

What about Bill Gates? I know I've been over this before, but why not make an amazing donation to Cancer or AIDS research? Does ANYONE else think that doing that would cause the Justice Department to lighten up on him a bit?

And what about Saddam Hussein? He runs a whole country and he thinks he can turn his country into a major power through nuclear weapons? What a moron - it's called get yourself a product the entire world can use - hire some of Bill Gates' people away from him and get them to design the next big operating system. Now THAT'S how you take over the world! Nuclear weapons are SO eighties!

So, I wanna know - what is it with rich people? How did they get so rich if they are so dumb? I swear - I'm so smart now, I'm going to be poor for the rest of my life!!

Monday, November 2, 1998

IN THE END, WE ARE STUCK

As I mentioned earlier today, it's an election week here, in the US. It's the week when many of us will go out and vote for our governors, sheriffs, propositions, etc. and wake up the next morning, living in the same damn world we woke up in yesterday. It seems like no matter who we vote for we get the same old crap. Sure, if Bush had been elected for a second term we might never have had Monicagate, but I'm sure whoever came into office after Bush would have done something to screw up. On a state level, even when major sounding propositions are passed, nothing changes.

I suppose you can say that Rudy Juliani cleaned up Time Square, but didn't he make it a police state? Okay, so it's not dirty and homeless people don't accost you on the street. Instead you're assaulted by police when you drop a gum wrapper on the ground. When my home state banned all smoking in restaurants, I thought I'd never inhale smoke while eating in public again - what a crock! A law only works if you enforce it. And when a law is not enforced, a law becomes a lie. A lie that the state is now endorsing. On top of that I get freaking Drew Carrey smoking in my favorite restaurant just to make a point. He says he thinks the ban on smoking is just government meddling in the lives of the people. WELL GUESS WHO VOTED FOR THE LAW YOU IDIOT! THE PEOPLE!

The world never changes. It just keeps on spinning... and so does all the crap.

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK: November 2, 1998

1. Bill Gates - You're screwed! ADMIT IT!
2. Oprah Winfrey - Different show my BUTT!
3. Anyone who has written a campaign commercial this year - I HATE YOU!!
4.Anyone who thinks "The Seige" will be a good movie - C'mon - a movie about martial law in NYC? NEVER HAPPEN BABY!
5.The Padres - STILL - What the HELL was THAT???

MiniBitch: THE FOOD INDUSTRY IS OUT TO GET US

Why ELSE do you think health food is more expensive than junk food??

I AM A TV GOD!!!

Well, already my predictions have begun to manifest themselves! Just call me NOS-TV-DRAMUS!

Not too long ago, I predicted a number of shows would bomb and some are already starting to drop like flies. First up, we have CBS' "The Brian Benben Show". Perhaps CBS realized that the only reason this guy's last show was any good was because it had a really funny hook (ripped off weekly by Ally McBeal - see? It still works!).

Next up, we have FOX's "Costello" - yeah big surprise there - but really, the lead's name is a curse - Sue Costello? No offense, but don't name the show after the lead actor! Especially when their name is either Sue Costello or Brian Benbenbenben. The next show that has been yanked from the schedule has actually been only put "on hold". ABC's "Wind on Water" will likely be retooled (a.k.a. lost from the cast will be Bo Derek who's only real talent could be explored on Baywatch) and re-placed on the schedule, say 10pm on Friday, knowing how ABC likes to punish it's shows.

UPN (what show ISN'T getting canned from this network??) has put it's show "The Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfeiffer" on hold as well, although they'd be nuts to even try this one with a new series premise! Alas other shows have been cancelled as well, some I am sad to see go (like "Mercy Point" with awesome actor Joe Morton) which I also predicted would bomb, but found at least somewhat enjoyable nonetheless. Feel free to complain about your most hated shows on the [http://two.guestbook.de/gb.cgi?gid=75379#top|Ventalation Page].

GATES TO HELL?

Well, not that Bill has done anything to piss me off lately, but I'm so used to tearing him down, how can I help myself now that he's on the hot seat?

In case you didn't hear, this is a big weak for him - I don't know exactly why, I just know that the prosecution is pulling out the big guns. One recent big gun was a Microsoft email written by Gates's engineers that explains about how if they threatened to stop making Mac Office for the Macintosh it would force Apple to bend to their demand that Internet Explorer be the default browser.

WHOOPS!

Well Bill, whether you wrote the email or not - your buns are on the grill now! You might as well start rehearsing the phrase: "Well, I don't recall." and PRAY you have a guy named "Oliver North" on your staff that you can hang the blame on. Hey Gates, a guy named "Lucy" with a pointed tail is whetting his chops just thinking about your pasty mortal butt!

CAMPAIGNS-IN-THE-BUTT!

As everyone knows, it's an election week here in America, but BOY what a bizarre lead up to the election it's been! On the east coast they've got a guy who is a suspect in the murder of his political opponent and out here on the west coast we've got a dead man running for office! I used to think political campaigns were pretty boring, but NOT THIS YEAR!! One thing that IS getting boring, however, is the mudslinging. It's so bad, I don't know anything positive about either candidate running! All I know is that I don't want ANYONE in office!! They're all too screwed up! I think mudslinging is ridiculous and should be outlawed. I mean, didn't there used to be some law that said no one could mention their competition in their ads? These guys (women too!) are supposed to be civilized adults, but on TV they act like Rocky and Mr. T on speed! Cut this crap out, or I won't VOTE AT ALL!! (How's THAT for a backlash?!?)