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ADVENTURES

Tuesday, December 15, 1998

THE MOST CYNICAL CHRISTMAS OF ALL

And why shouldn't it be? LOOK at the state of the world!!

Here in America, OUR LEADER is about to get kicked out of office because he got oral sex from an intern and NOT because the people of America have said: get him out of there.

Israel and Palestine's agreement to not be pissy towards one another has met with disagreement by the people of said countries (not too ironic, since they don't really celebrate Christmas).

Libya has finally agreed to let the men responsible for the terrorist bombing over Lockerbie, Scotland go to trial - which is good, but we're almost at the ten year anniversary mark of the bombing that took the lives of 270 people - having those feelings of loss churned up sure will incite the Christmas spirit!

Despite a semi-healthy economy corporations across the US are cutting back and laying people off. More fun with firearms in Kosovo.

And if that's not enough Kellogg's has just raised their cereal prices! AAARG! WHEN WILL IT ALL END?

MINIBITCH: MR. HYDE OF THE IMPEACHMENT TRIALS

So when are you going to turn back into Dr. Jekyll and start being reasonable?

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (December 15, 1998)

1. SCOTT RITTER - The former UN Arms Inspector in Iraq is about to publish a book where he encourages the US to bomb Iraq and oust Saddam. Now THERE'S a civilized way to handle things!

2. PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SEE MORE ADS FOR PHANTOM MENACE - You really want to HATE this film before it comes out?

3. ALL REPUBLICANS - You're telling me little white lies (as wrong as they are) are justification to REVERSE a NATIONAL ELECTION??

4.Little Ricky Shroder - Now I can die because I saw his naked ass on TV.

5.Oprah Winfrey - I saw her on TV YET AGAIN and this annoyed me. YET again.

SEE? PSYCHO '98 DOES SUCK!

Not to say I told you so, but based on what I've been hearing, the new PSYCHO directed by BIRD AWARD winner GUS VAN SANT, is an extremely lousy, highly inaccurate copy of the original classic. I hear it's not badly made and why should it be? Van Sant is an experienced film maker, he knows how to put a film together the same way I know how to make Linguini and Clam Sauce and I am even willing to admit how much easier it is to make Linguini and Clam Sauce than it is to copy one of the master filmmakers of all time.

But, the same way I know how to make a damn good Linguini and Clam Sauce, I know I have no chance of competing in the kitchen with the likes of Paul Prudhomme or even Mr. Food, so WHY WOULD I TRY??

I mean, it would be one thing if an established (and brilliant) film maker like Francois Truffaut or Wolfgang Peterson or even a mainstream action guy like John McTiernan were to try to copy Hitchcock. But Gus is this independent film guy who's never made a film on the same scale as PSYCHO. I mean - this is a BIG MOVIE. Name one film Gus has directed that your average American has heard of. GOOD WILL HUNTING. Okay, that's good - now is it as good as PSYCHO? No - if Gus had directed a film that was then cool. It's like when they made that SUPERMAN movie back in the seventies, who did they hire to direct? A guy named Richard Donner who at that point in his career had already directed for ROD SERLING and his show the TWILIGHT ZONE - so assuming Donner knew a thing or two about sci-fi/fantasy would be a safe thing to do.

However, has Gus directed a thriller we've heard of? And what happens when he does direct a thriller we've all heard of? That film has a strong opening weekend (based ONLY on name recognition), that puts it at the number two box office slot, only to drop to number seven the second weekend out. Next time you want to call Gus, dial 1-800-L-O-S-E-R.

BIG BROTHER'S FORCING AN UPGRADE, PART 2

In [http://thepete.com/big-brothers-forcing-an-upgrade/|last week's Computer Bitch], I complained about how AOL Instant Messenger, thanks to a "Would you like to upgrade to the latest version? Continue/Upgrade Later" window that pops up every time you start up the program, all but puts a gun to your head to upgrade to the latest version. Well, I went ahead and did the upgrade and guess what?

NO MAJOR CHANGES NOTICEABLE!

The new version is SO lame - all it's got are new buttons and a "search the web" function - but who the hell needs that? With IE 4.0 you just type a question mark in front of keywords in the URL window, hit return and boom - you're searching the web. Big deal! So let's hear it for the new owners of Netscape and their super-lame, super-unimpressive new version of AOL Instant Messenger! WOOHOO!

WATCH OUT FOR THE... BACKLASH!

Well, as I write this, things are looking pretty dire for the leader of the free world. The Republicans have ganged up against him and are ready to kick him out. Now, I know polls aren't the most accurate way of judging public opinion, but leaving it up to the Republicans is not my idea of "leaving it to the experts".

Look at how they have handled this mess - they haven't given us one example of how Clinton has ACTUALLY broken a law that relates to his job.

You see - the powers that be are following the letter of the law too strictly. It seems to me that Hyde and his minions have no concept for compassion, compromise or even mercy. And I thought these guys were supposed to be good Christians! It would be one thing if the standard punishment for perjury was to lose your job or even jail time, but it's not - it's a fine or some other penalty based on the judge's discretion. You don't lose your job.

Okay, so he lied under oath, okay, so he lied to all of us, FINE let's take his ass to court and sue the guy for FRAUD! You impeach CRIMINALS. Some criminals lie; not all liars are criminals. And to all the Republicans who wanted Clinton to answer those 80 questions with honesty (and self-incrimination), how full of crap can you be? How can you be offended when he DOESN'T just come right out and admit that he lied? In Nixon's farewell speech, what did he say? "I am not a crook." BUT HE WAS!! So how can you be offended and accuse Clinton of obstruction of justice when even NIXON didn't fess up AS HE WAS RESIGNING?!?

And now we come to my point. All this ridiculousness from the Republicans will backfire on them the next time there's an election - mark my words - we Americans aren't as dumb as we seem. The Republicans are acting like spoiled little kids on the playground who are pissed off because the guy who gets all the girls won't play by their rules. So now they throw this nationally televised tantrum that has been costing taxpayers millions of dollars. Will any good come of it? Well, I'm a big fan of Al Gore, so the answer for me is YES, but aside from that, this is just silly. Somebody's making themselves look like asses and for once it's not Clinton. I would say, "end this now" but it's too late.

Next Election Day, the Republicans will be suffering, big time.

Monday, December 7, 1998

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS COST MORE TO EAT RIGHT?

You ever notice how everything in the health stores is at least a third more expensive than most unhealthy foods? I understand about supply and demand, but you know it's getting ridiculous when even JUICE costs astronomically more than Kool-Aid and soda. I mean - this is CRAZY that it costs so much more to buy a 64 ounce bottle of Ocean Spray cranberry juice, the price of which is over three bucks, but a TWELVE PACK (each can has twelve ounces) costs around $1.99. What's up with that? Do these companies WANT us to die early?

You'd think it would be in every company's best interests to KEEP THEIR CUSTOMERS ALIVE and in good health. Well, you'd think anyway. So why make us pay more for the healthy stuff? Can't the government give tax breaks to the health stores? I won't miss an extra couple of dimes out of my taxes every year. I'd prefer I start eating healthier, but I am broke! So it's off to the supermarket to buy more Ramen Noodles and Kool-Aid. YUMMY!

MINIBITCH: THE MILLENIUM ENDS ON DEC. 31, 2000

You knew that, RIGHT?

TOP 5 ANNOYING PEOPLE THIS WEEK (December 7, 1998)

1. THE TV NEWS - For not covering the first link-up of the new International Space Station.

2. ANYONE WHO LISTENS TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC THIS EARLY IN THE MONTH - You KNOW by the 25th you'll be sick of those damn carols!

3. MARIAH CARREY - You know, I'm just WAITING for her to just cough up her vocal cords!

4.Little Ricky Shroder - Oh, I'm sorry - it's RICK...

5.Oprah Winfrey - I saw her on TV AGAIN and this annoyed me. Again.

MOVIES I WON'T BE SEEING THIS WEEK

I don't have any specific new problems with the media this week, I just thought I'd pass on the movies I WON'T be seeing this week.

Now mind you, I have not seen these movies, so these reviews are based solely on their ads, trailers, commercials or other info I gleaned from entertainment reports on TV.

PSYCHO - DUH! Check out [http://thepete.com/dont-go-crazy-for-psycho/|last week's Media Bitch] if you're curious why.

ANTZ - Gimme a break, neurotic Woody Allen playing a bug who wants to stand out from the crowd? I'd MUCH rather watch Dave Foley (who only PLAYS neurotic) playing a bug who wants to stand out from the crowd. (Plus it's Disney, so you KNOW it's good, well and evil, but that's another bitch all together!)

HOME FRIES - Put this one up with the other films that have been ruined by the trailer. No, I DON'T want fries with my popcorn.

ENEMY OF THE STATE - More like enemy of the intelligent moviegoer - go rent THE CONVERSATION, similar plot, even has Gene Hackman in it - ONLY IT'S GOOD!

VERY BAD THINGS - A movie that makes light of the accidental death of a stripper? THAT sounds like a very bad thing to me!

JACK FROST - HellOOOO! Jack Frost was NOT a snow man! That's FROSTY THE SNOWMAN you're thinking of you IDIOTS!

MEET JOE BLACK - Again, why see this three-hour boredom-fest when I can rent the 87 minute original version called "DEATH TAKES A HOLIDAY"?

CELEBRITY - Another film with the Woody Allen mentality - thanks, I'll go rent Annie Hall. SHEESH! Is there NOTHING that is truly NEW out?!?

THE SIEGE - Yeah, martial law in the Big Apple. Do you think any true New Yorker would put up with it?

BIG BROTHER'S FORCING AN UPGRADE

Are you like me? Do you like to be as in touch as possible with the world? I like to use this somewhat handy (but AOL-owned and therefore evil) chat application called AOL Instant Messenger. It's cool because it lets you communicate with AOL users as well as other people who have AOL Instant Messenger.

Now, I HATE to upgrade when I don't see the need. It's bad enough with operating systems and office software and so forth - but is it THAT important to ANYONE that they have the latest version of a CHAT APP on their PC? NO. Yet, AOL seems to think the opposite. So much so that when a new version of AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) was available my version insisted on nagging me about it incessantly EVERY time I turned the damn application on!! I was quite happy with the older version and saw no need to upgrade - but thanks to that wonderful little nag window, I learned I had no choice but to upgrade. First MS with their "Where do we want you to go today" and now AOL with the "Wanna upgrade? Huh? Huh? Huh? Upgrade? Did you say upgrade? Hm? Yes? Yes? Yes?"

NO!

CAN I HAVE A REAL PERSON, PLEASE?

I am so TIRED of dealing with recordings. When I call companies to either pay them or ask for support, I get a series of recordings. WHERE ARE ALL THE REAL PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE?!? In the interest of providing customers with "better service" they have done away with seemingly every last intelligent human being at their companies in favor of inhuman computers that can't answer questions and can't intuit what you're really looking for.

Sometimes I don't know how to ask the questions I need to ask and computers can't help me. So how is this "better service"? I don't know.

Basically it cuts down on morons that they accidentally hire but they tend to hire morons anyway and the computers aren't intelligent on their own, either - so I'd rather deal with real live idiots most of the time. Credit companies even have computers that call me up demanding money - but I've beaten them! I just let my answering machine get it! Hey, why not let one machine chat with another?