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Sunday, July 25, 1999

TOO MANY TOYS, TOO LITTLE MONEY!

Well, another week, another huge wad of cash blown on cool Star Wars toys. Every time I think I've bought everything "Star Wars" that I want to buy, I find something NEW!

Now, mind you, I'm not a sucker, I don't buy EVERYTHING with the "SW" logo on it, I just go for what I think is REALLY cool. And there isn't as MUCH cool stuff for this SW movie as there have been for past SW movies, but I have a JOB now and MONEY so it's just SO much HARDER to hold myself back from dropping another $15 for a cool Maul t-shirt (like I did just last night!) or some other thing.

Right now I feel like there are only three more things SW that I want to buy. A die-cast Darth Maul digital watch, a Darth Maul container (it's a box shaped like a bust of Maul and then you open his skull crown to put stuff inside) and finally, the new cloaked Darth Maul four inch action figure. Of course, I say this now, but between now and when I finally GET all of those things there will be a handful more cool Star Wars Themed merchandise that will silently beg me to BUY THEM... ALL OF THEM... May the Force HELP ME!

NEW SHOWS, THEY SUCK PART 5!

Check out my past declarations of upcoming crappy shows NEW to American TV this Fall:

NBC - THE WB - ABC - CBS

And now, let the blood bath continue with UPN!

"The Parkers" (UPN) - This Moesha spin-off probably has the most promise, story-wise, out of all of the new sitcoms on UPN this fall. Kim (Moesha's best-friend, I'm told) goes off to junior college only her Mom, Mo'Nique, decides that now is a good time to go back to school herself and that the junior college her daughter is going to is the right school for her to attend as well. Even though I won't be watching this show (I don't watch many sitcoms these days), dramatically and comedically it does seem pretty solid. I mean, how many people enjoy having their Mom around IN CLASS and out at CLUBS. SHEESH! Compared to the rest of the new fall fare, maybe I'll make time for The Parkers after all!

"The Grown Ups" (UPN) - I can't even figure out the premise of this show - it's so convoluted. It's something about Jaleel White (formerly Urkel) becoming a VP at a box making company and going after his high school crush. There are also a handful of other almost unrelated characters that are thrown into the mix for no apparent reason. This show will bomb, even if it's well written because Jaleel White does not have enough star power to pull people in long enough for them to get hooked.

"Shasta McNasty" (UPN) - The story of a three guy garage band that signs it's first recording contract. They also share an apartment that has a frequent kitchen-crasher in the form of a street-smart female from next door who basically plays the role of the token woman. Apparently the guys haven't let their success go to their heads as they still enjoy causing havoc in the lives of those around them, like the pizza guy or whatever. I have one thing to say to this show: "AND?!?" This show suffers from "Nothing New Here" Syndrome. We all saw the reruns of "The Partridge Family" and they were a nice wholesome family - these guys are just dickweeds with nothing better to do with their free time than mess around. This show sounds like a BIG bomb, but because it's on UPN, it might stick around for a couple seasons.

"Secret Agent Man" (UPN) - From the guy who brought us last year's flop Fantasy Island and this years theatrical flop Wild Wild West comes this hour drama that feels more like a sequel to the same guy's hit Men In Black from last summer. Only don't expect it to be any good unless Barry Sonnenfeld (the guy behind the aforementioned failures and success) actually went BACK IN TIME two years to when he was more talented and brought the show forward in time for us to watch it. SERIOUSLY - DON'T WATCH THIS SHOW - Dina Meyer is cute as hell, but the show looks like crap. Here's the dynamic, Super-cool and suave secret agent Monk takes on the new recruit, Parker, but somehow they have to deal with a Secret Agent Woman named Holliday. She has an elitist attitude that she is a better agent than Monk and that Parker should listen to her instead. And watch the cliches ensue!! (Didn't I see this dynamic in the old Transformers cartoon?)

"WWF Smackdown" (UPN) - Proof that UPN is scraping the bottom of the home viewer barrel, this "show" is just what it looks like--wrestling. 'Nuff said. Let's hope it bombs - of course, it won't. SHOOT ME NOW! SHOOT ME NOW!

"Blockbuster Video's Shockwave Cinema" (UPN) - This is a new series of crappy tv movies for UPN, sure NOT to please. Remember all those crappy TV Movies UPN's been running off and on for the past two or so years? No? There's a reason - they suck.

UPN is done - tune in next week for FOX! (I can't WAIT!!)

YOU JUST WON THE LOTTERY AND YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO BECOME PRESIDENT

I could win the lottery and still not have enough money to campaign and LOSE for the office of the President of the United States.

It is so ridiculous how this entire country is run by MONEY. Forget the Red, the White and the Blue, now it's just the Green, the Green and the GREEN.

Or should I just say the GREED.

The plague of greed has spread itself to the realm of politics where if you've got a lot of dough you can win. This year we will watch money triumph over AN INCUMBENT.

I hope I am wrong, really, I do hope that I am mistaken when I say that I expect Gore to lose the Presidential race against George W. Bush. Polls taken around the country ALREADY put Gore behind George W. Bush - why?

People feel Gore is stiff and what do they think of George W. Bush? He's the son of George Bush and he was pretty fun and animated and his kid is the Governor of Texas! Gore is just the Vice President, plus he's one of those environmental nuts. That's all we know right now - but let me tell you - I'd MUCH rather have a stiff, environment-minding ken doll in the White House over ANOTHER BUSH.

I did a LOT of work back in 1992 pointing out what a crappy leader Bush had been and I'm NOT about to see his KID get elected - BUT MONEY will see that I will fail. He will buy the ads and hire the speech writers and the PR guys and he will most likely get into the mudslinging first and oh, it'll be a mess. But in the end he will win. Why? Because of all that MONEY he's got that he's willing to SPEND to make sure his image is the most pristine, untouchable image out there.

If only we could put a cap on how rich people could be to run for Oval Office. Wouldn't that be cool? Sorry, you make 6 figures, TOO RICH! You? You're a plumber? And what will your platform be?

How GREAT would that be? Cable Guys and Video Store Owners from all over the country would declare their candidacy in the run for the highest office. And guess what? We'd FINALLY have a president that would be in touch with the people. Plus we might get really good deals on plumbing!

Sunday, July 18, 1999

NEVER ENOUGH TIME!!!

But what else is new. SOMEBODY FRIGGIN' INVENT A TIME MACHINE!! JEEEEEEZ!!!

Was this bitch short enough for you?

NEW SHOWS, THEY SUCK PART 4!

Check out my past declarations of upcoming crappy shows NEW to American TV this Fall:

NBC - THE WB - ABC

And now, let the blood bath continue with CBS!

"Now and Again" (CBS) - (Not to be mistaken for ABC's Once and Again) This show is about a middle-aged insurance guy who dies in an accident and then gets a new body from the government, a la Steve Austin. What a great idea for a-- HUH?? What a completely UNINTERESTING idea!! And WHO cares??? There's a REASON the SciFi Channel stopped running old eps of the Six Million Dollar Man - HELL, there was a reason the show got canned in the first place! NOBODY WILL WATCH IT! Why remake it now?!?

"Family Law" (CBS) - A female lawyer's lawyer-husband leaves her and their practice, taking their best clients with him. This'll be just as big a hit as CBS' The Client was. Didn't realize there was a TV version of the Grisham novel? That's cuz it lasted all of five seconds. This may last a season, but that's it.

"Judging Amy" (CBS) - NYPD Blue's Amy Brenneman stars in one of the few shows that actually looks GOOD to me on the fall schedule. Brenneman stars in a show about a Lawyer from NYC who leaves the city to become a judge in Connecticut. She moves in with her annoying mother (Tyne Daly) and her annoying brother. This series is apparently based on Brenneman's own mother's life. Let's hope her Mom has at least 26 good adventures in her life!

"Ladies Man" (CBS) - A middle-aged man tries to maintain his sanity in a house full of women. This one-gag-wonder will get boring quick. I wish it luck to last out the season. Oh and does this one remind anyone else of ABC's Odd Man Out? (Same formula, but replace middle-aged man with teenage boy.)

"Work With Me" (CBS) - Nancy Travis and Kevin Pollack star as married lawyers in this sitcom that is apparently a prequel to "Family Law" - okay, not really, but it sure sound like it! Anyway, Travis' lawyer has a heart of gold, helps the down-trodden and must deal with her corporate-lawyer-type-husband when he quits his job and becomes her partner. This show has the potential to be VERY good, but Travis and Pollack haven't had much luck in the sitcom arena, so I'm expecting a fish tank with this one. I wish 'em luck tho'!

"Love or Money" (CBS) - Yet another show about a bunch of white people living in New York. YIPPee. Or not.

CBS is done - tune in next week for UPN!

Can you handle the wait, or is it too much for you?!?

DESTROY THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY!

I've bitched about this before, but health insurance is back in the media after it's back in Washington as the two sides of our government debate exactly what to do about HMOs.

It's a big mess right now - the republicans are so blind by the amount of money they get from the HMO's (in the form of "donations" - yeah right try BRIBES!) that they are deaf to the sound of children dying as they are rushed to the only hospital that is covered by their HMO. WHAT ever happened to the basic idea of insurance?

I give you money and a little extra on top for your troubles and YOU GIVE IT BACK TO ME WHEN MY BABY DAUGHTER IS HIT BY A CAR!! But nooooo, some GREEDY BASTARD has to come up with all sorts of cheats and quiet, backhanded, tricky ways to make us all part with our money only to NEVER SEE IT AGAIN.

Sure, if you go with Plan A, it is cheaper, but it doesn't cover certain treatments.

WHAT'S THE POINT THEN!?!?

When we SHUT DOWN the insurance industry, Satan will have lost a major battle.


Are YOU in debt?

Sunday, July 11, 1999

GUN-RELATED DEATHS WORTH FREEDOM?

Not too long ago, a foreign friend of mine asked me just how many gun-related deaths would need to occur before I would agree with him that all guns should be banned in the US.

He lives in the UK where ALL guns are illegal. I was very upset with him for this because I felt he wasn't even vaguely understanding why my country wanted it's freedom from his. I mean HOW MANY YEARS has it been and the Brits STILL don't get it?

In case you don't get it either, here's why I will NEVER feel that ALL guns should be banned. I like having choices. In this case it's the choice to arm myself or not, if I should feel the need to. If I am forced to move to a bad neighborhood where gangs rule the streets, I LIKE the idea that I can go buy a gun should anyone threaten me or my loved ones.

"Trust the police to protect you" you say?

Yeah, sure.

All you have to do is watch the news to see how incredibly good they are at protecting the innocent. So, in exchange for me being smart enough to handle a gun (and to know I really don't need one right now) we make the unfortunate trade off that some people in this country don't handle firearms responsibly. It is a big price to pay, but damn it - the right to bear arms and PROTECT ourselves is a right that I hold dear, even though I am against firearms in the home, in general.

Now, I'm not saying ALL guns should be legal, I'm just saying SOME GUNS SHOULD BE LEGAL.

I am ALL FOR GUN CONTROL.

THERE IS NO NEED FOR A CITIZEN TO HAVE AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON. OR EVEN A SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON.

I've fired a semi-automatic rifle and it was VERY difficult to use. Just regular guns that shoot one bullet per cocking are more than enough to satisfy my love of the right to bare arms.

Guns? What's your take?

NEW SHOWS, THEY SUCK PART 3!

Okay, two weeks ago in the Media Bitch, I began my ongoing series of predictions (Or "determinations," as I like to call them!) for the new fall season of TV here in America. First, I covered NBC, last week I made my predictions regarding the WB network. This week it's ABC. LET THE TV TRASHING CONTINUE! (Remember, my predictions are based on the title and the premise ONLY. I have not seen ANY of these shows yet.)

"Snoops" (ABC) - This show is from Ally McBeal creator David E. Kelley and it features the exploits of two sexy, white, female private detectives in Los Angeles who use technology to help them solve cases. Considering Kelley won't actually be WORKING on the show (he just created it and will be leaving it behind) I DON'T expect great things. It may survive for a while based on the chick factor, but that won't carry it forever.

"Oh, Grow Up" (ABC) - This one LOOKS like it stars cute as a button white girl Rena Sofer (From BH 90210 & General Hospital) and is about three buddies who live together in Brooklyn. That's why I say it LOOKS like she stars - it sounds like it's going to be about three guys, but who knows, it's the 90s, chicks can be "buddies" too. Of course, it won't matter since a show with this kind of title won't last. Plus, it sounds like another Friends knock-off. It may do well after Drew Carrey, however, but not because it's any good.

"Once And Again" (ABC) - This is simply a relationship drama starring gorgeous Sela Ward (Sisters) and hunky Bill Campbell (The Rocketeer). It seems they're two divorced parents who go on a blind date and begin a relationship. Considering the creators of the show haven't had a hit since Thirty-something AND the fact that ABC is only TRYING IT OUT in NYPD Blue's time slot, DON'T expect this one to stick around past it's limited run. It's a shame because Bill and Sela are both pretty decent actors.

"Then Came You" (ABC) - This is the story of a lovely OLDER lady, book editor who falls for a young room service waiter. Okaaaaaay, WHATever. SURE, this show will last! (SHEESH!)

"Wasteland" (ABC) - This one is from Kevin Williamson, creator of Dawson's Creek and it centers on a group of SIX friends who finish college and try living in NYC. Sound familiar? It should - it's ANOTHER Friends rip-off. Do production companies even BOTHER checking out the competition?

"Odd Man Out" (ABC) - This is the story of a teenage boy who tries to survive life in a house full of women. Wackiness is sure to ensue. Another bomber.

That's it for the ABC! Stop by next week and read how bad CBS's new shows will be! Yippee!

Or do you think they will ALL be great shows?

ENOUGH WITH THE CREDIT CARDS!

As far as I am concerned, Credit Cards are the most evil inanimate objects on the planet.

Guns are better than Credit Cards because the dangers are clear. You pull the trigger on a gun and someone could die. Pull the trigger on a credit card and a bullet flies as well - but you don't see it. You are distracted by the cool toy, or device or computer, or CDs that you buy.

It seems harmless to lay down that plastic for that new VCR and pay it off monthly over the next year or so. Sure, you're aware of the interest payments. In exchange for the Credit Card company loaning you the money, you give it back with a bit more on top for their trouble.

Fair enough.

But, like gambling, Credit Cards can become very addictive. And if you think you're doing any good by simply paying off your minimums each month, you're SEVERELY mistaken. If you do that, you're just treading water. Waiting until the LOTTERY comes to fish you out of that ocean is as good an idea as it sounds - you'll make more money renting yourself out as a lightening rod.

You know what happens if you stop treading water for just a moment? You sink beneath the surface and immediately begin to drown. So if your car needs work and you can't quite afford to pay a bill, it'll ripple across all of your other bills and then it's all down hill from there.

The only oddly nice thing that happens after that is when your account gets passed on to a collection agency, they actually STOP charging you the late and interest fees. Isn't that nice of them??

Now, I know I've said all of this before, but I felt this is an important lesson to learn - STAY AWAY FROM CREDIT CARDS. If you have one, DON'T EVER USE IT!!! EVER!!! If you HAVE to charge, use your check card - if your bank doesn't offer one, SWITCH TO ONE THAT DOES!

Check cards are EVERY bit as convenient as Credit Cards only the money comes right out of your checking account. NO PAYING FOR THINGS WITH MONEY YOU DON'T HAVE!!! THUSLY, NO INTEREST FEES ARE CHARGED. You just pay a small monthly fee of about two or three bucks. And ten years from now when you would otherwise be neck-deep in debt (like me) you will have been smart and used your good credit ONLY for the two things credit SHOULD be used for - buying a car and a house. So THERE.

Are YOU in debt?

Sunday, July 4, 1999

SURE I KNEW REINVENTING MY SITE WOULD BE HARD BUT..

Well, in case you haven't noticed, I have a new domain name! And boy what a pain it's been taking care of all of the things you have to take care of when you get a new domain name. I apologize for skimping out on the Technology Bitch again this week, and I'm sure you'll find some broken links floating around the site, but I'm typing as fast as I can!!! And hopefully by the end of July, I'll have everything worked out. Sorry for any annoyances - JUST BE PATIENT DAMN YOU! And look around! There's a lot to see!

What do you think of the new site so far?

NEW SHOWS, THEY SUCK PART 2!

Okay, last week in the Media Bitch, I made my predictions (HA! "DETERMINATIONS" more like!) on how the news shows on the TV schedule for this fall were going to do. I started off with NBC and now I continue with the new shows on the WB. Remember, my predictions are based on the title and the premise ONLY. I have not seen ANY of these shows yet.

"Jack and Jill" (WB) - This show focuses on a jilted bride who moves to New York. Hm, if there's a hook here, I sure wish they'd put some bait on it it or something because I am not biting! It sure sounds an awful lot like Jennifer Anniston's character from Friends minus the friends. (Remember? Rachel left her hubby at the altar and moved in with Monica in NYC.)

"Safe Harbor" (WB) - This one is about a widower who moves to Florida to raise his four boys. Sounds like a family drama to me - look out - these never do well. (Aside from 7th Heaven, that is!)

"Angel" (WB) - This spin off of Buffy The Vampire Slayer features two hotties fighting evil in LA. They'll be busy, but how many MORE demon types can the writers conjure up while keeping the show interesting? I'm thinking they're running out of things for Buffy to do. I bet Angel will last a season, but that's it.

"Roswell" (WB) - Although I will probably watch this show for it's chick-factor, this show does not hold much promise in the scifi arena. It's about a bunch of alien teens who go to high school in Roswell, New Mexico. Sounds like a good episode of Buffy but that's IT. I expect this puppy to vanish faster than the alien bodies in 1938!

"Popular" (WB) - This is an hour comedy that looks at the rich and the poor in a high school. Whoopie - this'll do real well - a bunch of bland, cute, white people being mean or not to each other. WHATEVER. I HOPE this one will tank quickly.

"The Downtowners" (NBC) - This one is an animated show about two guys in their 20s who have to adjust when one of their little brothers moves in. Sounds like last season's flop Guys Like Us only as a cartoon. If it survives, it'll be because it's animated, although I do hope it's better than it sounds. I think the Josh Weinstein they have as a co-producer is the same Josh Weinstein who worked on the first season of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

That's it for the WB! Stop by next week and read how bad ABC's new shows will be! Yippee!

Or do you think they will ALL be great shows?

WANNA KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED TODAY?

Just tune in to your local news!

I don't know about other countries, or even other cities in the US, but here in LA, the news has gotten out of hand. Somewhere along the way, death/murder in the city has come to equal news.

I can understand why this happens to SOME extent, but when I watched the local 6pm news the other night, the first SIX stories were all about DEATHS. Some were murders, but most, as is somewhat expected in Los Angeles, were motor vehicle-related deaths. I don't mean to disrespect the people who did die, but do we have to hear about it at the head of the news?

What the hell is that? MUST we get the gruesome details while we're just sitting down for dinner? Why not just sprinkle the death stories through out the news? I mean is it true that NOTHING good happens that is important to the world?