TheKey Chronicle

$6 back issues!

Ballpoint Adventures mega-T
THE INKSTREME BALLPOINT
ADVENTURES

Sunday, August 29, 1999

CAN YOU CARE LESS OR MORE?

You ever notice how some people express their disinterest in something by saying "I COULD CARE LESS!"?

I notice it a lot and it drives me NUTS. Obviously these are people who don't bother THINKING about what they say before they open their mouths.

Saying "I COULD CARE LESS" means you COULD care less but you DON'T - in other words, you DO care to some extent and that you COULD care less.

What you should say is "I COULDN'T CARE LESS."

See?

You couldn't POSSIBLY care less because it would be just IMPOSSIBLE because you don't care at all. There, no you can correct anyone who COULD care less.

CBS (Crappy Broadcasting Saps)


Y2(FULL OF)K(RAP)

I am SO tired of people telling me "don't fly within a couple of days of New Years!"

I mean, what's going to happen?

Will the airplane navigational computers suddenly get confused about what day it is and shut off it's engines? And all this paranoia about taking your money out of the bank - how will the computers not knowing the date cause you to LOSE money?

If all of the sudden bank computers think it's 1900, how will that tell the computers that you never deposited the money? It'll just be confused but the money is still there, right? And what's all this about the electricity shutting off because of electric company computers not getting the date right? I mean can someone break this puppy down and explain it to the world in terms we can all understand? And who cares anyway? Like we all can't live with out electricity for a couple of days? I mean come on!

Up until 150 years ago, there WAS no electricity aside from the kind in the sky when there's a thunder storm. As for losing your money - the banks had BETTER fix their little Y2K problems because if all of their customers freak and take out all of their money before New Years, America's economy will fall apart and it'll be this insane paranoia's fault!

That's where the danger really lies - like FDR said, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Don't be afraid of Y2K, it'll come and it'll go and we'll survive. No sweat. SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!!!

Monday, August 23, 1999

IN A HATING MOOD...

You ever just get that way?

Where you just feeling like hating something?

Ever worry that one day you won't be allowed to hate?

ABC (Already Been Cancelled)


A TRAFFIC TICKET FROM OFFICER BIG BROTHER

WHAT in FORD'S name is going on here?

Recently, in major American cities cameras at traffic lights have been installed. This is so that if you run a red light and your are less than a second too late getting through the intersection before the light turns red, a strobe flashes (or not if it's daytime) and a shutter is clicked and a few weeks later YOU get a ticket in the mail with a picture of your license plate.

I understand, but how is this PREVENTING crime?

This just punishes you if you break that specific traffic "law".

Okay, so many of these intersections are clearly signed as being "photo enforced", but what's NEXT? Cameras in our place of work to make sure we don't steal office supplies or have sex with a co-worker in a broom closet?

How about closed-circuit homes delivering 'round-the-clock surveillance just in case a cop isn't walking by your home as you are committing a "crime" in the privacy of your own home? Why not surgically implant behavior modifying chips in your brain (like South Park!) that will force you to commit no crimes? Won't that be GREAT?

Do you like to have the freedom to do wrong?

Sunday, August 15, 1999

NICE ONE CNN.COM!

Did you catch the main headline on CNN.COM on the night of Monday August 16? It read: "At least 100 feared dead in powerful Turkey quake".

Now, I don't mean to make light of death, destruction and the Wrath Of God, but isn't that just what these morons at CNN.COM did? I mean - HELLO!

"TURKEY QUAKE" ???

THIS is how you phrase it?

Would it have been THAT difficult to phrase it "At least 100 feared dead in powerful Turkish Earthquake"?

Would those extra words take up THAT much space? What if some dumb cracker from the American South were to read that headline? He'd turn to his wife and say: "Look hunney! Some turkey had a heart attack and some how killed 100 people! I told you we shoulda gone with farmin' chickens!"

Okay, so you might ask "What the hell's a cracker doing with a computer?"

Good point, but regardless - the bad choice by CNN.COM's copy editor put an odd and vaguely amusing slant on a truly tragic event. I can just imagine what this same editor would have put on the headline when Princess Diana died.

"Princess Di, died!"

Are YOU a Turkey?

PHANTOM COULD TAKE TITANIC AND IT STILL MIGHT!

Last week in the Media Bitch, I demanded Lucasfilm and 20th Century Fox mount one last ad campaign to help The Phantom Menace earn the $185 million more it needs to overtake Titanic in total box office cash. The good news may not be definite, but it's getting there - there are rumors roaming the 'net suggesting that 20th Century may be slowly pulling TPM from theaters over the next few weeks only to re-release it over the Christmas Holiday to capitalize on the movie-going-mood that usually sweeps over the nation that time of year.

If this is true, this could be all it would need to be in order to take THAT CAMERON DOWN! I just hope it's true...

Would YOU go see Phantom again?

QUAYLE IS STILL IN THE RACE?!?

Danny, Danny, DANNY! WHAT are you THINKING???

YOU want to run for PRESIDENT?

Come ON! Do you REALLY think anyone will even let you win the primary???

Hell, I'm a Independent and I'd vote for Elizabeth Dole before I'd vote for you!! (And what the hell kind of leader would she be?!? All she's done is run the Red Cross!) I know I don't have to run down the long list of all too public blunders you committed while you were Vice President, but I'll name a few just cuz it's fun.

I remember you saying something once, on a visit to Latin America, about how you had wished you'd studied Latin. You know they don't speak Latin in Latin America these days...

Then there was that certain vegetable that shall remain nameless (and therefore will NOT be spelled INcorrectly).

Two words: Murphy Brown. Three more words: She is FICTIONAL.

Do you really think that after all of these ridiculous blunders IN PUBLIC that YOU might have a shot at this big old race? I think you should grab all of your campaign donations and open a restaurant called "LOSERS". I'm sure it would be a much bigger success than your presidential campaign. Just think of all the people who would frequent it! OJ Simpson would eat there, Craig Kilborn would come there after his new show gets canceled. Joan Rivers and her daughter could eat there! Dean Devlin and Roland Emerich would have your place cater their next Godzilla film. Kato Kaelin would tell everyone he worked there, but would never wait on any tables and eat all your food. Lyndon La Rouche would eat there (if he wasn't in prison again for tax evasion).

And once the 2000 election is over, I can think of three more people who will eat there too, Elizabeth Dole, HOPEFULLY George W. Bush oh yeah - and YOU!

Do you have a brain? Or are you going to vote for Quayle?

Monday, August 9, 1999

THE WEB IS TOO BIG!

Are you as baffled by the choices online as I am?

It's inSANE how many different web sites there are for a few things. Like jobs - if you listen to commercial news radio for an hour, you'll hear commercials for at least three different job listings sites. I recently did a search at infoseek.com using the keyphrase "job listings" - I got just short of 25,000 listings! EVERYONE seems to have a job listing site and each one of those sites promises you a job that is better paying and more enjoyable than the one you have now.

I did another search at infoseek, this time using the keyphrase "movie news". This one pulled up over 3000 sites. Another search, this one for "plane tickets", displayed over 5,000 sites, most of them promising you the lowest fares in the industry. And these are just three incredibly common things one might look up on the World Wide Web. But now the real problem becomes this: How can you choose from the myriad choices available? Well, there are myriad sites to help you do that. An infoseek search using "hot sites" got me a listing of almost 24,000 sites. Apparently a LOT of web sites out there seem to have the idea that THEY are the best site to find the best sites for whatever you are interested in.

IT'S INSANE.

How should you choose? Do what I do - word of mouth. I talk to friends on the 'net and ask them about one topic I am looking for information on and see if they have any ideas for sites. Then I check them out. I almost never use the search engines because I know they can't be as specific as I need them to be, so just screw all that. Once I have found a few sites I like, I just bookmark 'em and visit ONLY THEM. Life is too short to surf.

PHANTOM COULD TAKE TITANIC IF ONLY...

...LUCAS WOULD HAVE A BRAIN!! It's true - either he's a moron or his marketing people are morons. He could get SO much more money out of America if ONLY they would just try ADVERTISING Phantom Menace. Then, people would rush out and see the movie again - even if ONE HALF of the people who already saw it saw it again, that would still be $200 worth of people!! That would SHOVE TPM right past Tyranic. DO IT!! TAKE DOWN CAMERON!!

Would YOU go see Phantom again?

LA IS SO LAME BUT

Boo-hoo, yeah, I know that's what you're thinking.

POOR PETE, he lives in LA, where gorgeous women walk the streets in thongs and rich men drive nice cars and EVERYONE makes lots of money.

YEEEEAAAAH.

ANYway - here's my latest gripe about my home town for most of the 90s. I HATE the HOLLYWOOD INDUSTRY! They(we) are such self-centered, insensitive MORONS. They(we) all think they(we) can just have a party at a ritzy restaurant and ASSUME that everyone driving by would of course be wanting to go. This piece of insanity ACTUALLY happened to me last night! I was driving home after working a bit late at my dayjob. I was driving down Beverly Boulevard just before it hits Santa Monica boulevard when all of the sudden I found myself in the right two lanes (it's six lanes across) and I was stuck there thanks to a row of traffic cones that blocked in the right two lanes of the road!!

They were expecting THAT MANY people that they should take over TWO LANES!! And what's worse is that the valet guys were aggressively opening people's car doors, expecting them to be interested in going to this stupid restaurant! There was literally a horde of about EIGHT valets all swarming from car to car, heading right towards ME. So I flipped them off and ran over a cone or two, heading into the third lane from the right in which NO ONE had been traveling and sped off.

Ten minutes later, closer to home, in Westwood, I ran into MORE traffic thanks to the premiere of that stupid 70s movie Detroit Rock City co-produced by KISS who decided to have a friggin' ROCK CONCERT on the corner of Wilshire and the street my home is TWO BLOCKS from! So first it's so self-important dinner and then it's some crappy rock band from the 80s trying to make a comeback (yeah right). I JUST WANTED TO GO HOME TO BE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND!!

Why don't I move? I can't be a TV/Movie writer in any other town but this one. And until I become a PAID TV/Movie Writer, I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP ON WHINING!!

Sunday, August 1, 1999

GEORGE, YOU'RE A FRIGGIN' DICKWEED! (YES, YOU, LUCAS!)

Anybody read EMPIRE Magazine?

Okay, now I'm ASSUMING you've seen The Phantom Menace by now but if you haven't and DON'T WANT ANYTHING GIVEN AWAY - STOP READING!!

Okay, here's what Lucas said in EMPIRE Magazine: "At one point, when Obi-Wan kills Darth Maul, he just fell into the pit. I looked at it and thought this isn't going to work because, if people like him enough, they are going to want him to come back and they're going to assume somehow he gets out of it. So I had to cut him in half to say this guy's gone, he's history, he ain't coming back. I'll come up with another apprentice. The whole issue of having apprentices, poor Darth Sidious trying to replenish his apprentice supply, is one of the main plot points."

WHAT a LOSER!! Lucas doesn't understand that YOU DON'T create a character that is as eye-catching and as BUTT-KICKING as Darth Maul and NOT give him a back story!!!

In the quote above Lucas admits that Maul is a throw-away character, a person that basically functions as a token bad guy who comes in and exists long enough to kill a major character, only to get killed off.

THAT IS CALLED BAD WRITING GEORGE - no, that's actually called LAME WRITING!

NO character should be in your script that doesn't have A REASON TO BE THERE!

What's the point of building him all up only to ditch him?!? Why NOT give him some interesting reason to be there? Aren't you just LAZY to do anything ELSE?

I mean, Maul's mystery was the ONLY PLOT ELEMENT I LIKED!!! Imagine reading an Agatha Christie novel only to discover that there was no murder at all - that the guy just tripped and fell on the knife. HOW LAME WOULD THAT BE???

I'll tell you... VERY.

GUESS WHAT GEORGE!!! JUST like when you created DARTH VADER and then later when you created BOBA FETT - your throw away characters were MORE INTERESTING THAN EVERYONE ELSE!!!

YES, you can admit it - VADER wasn't originally Luke's Dad, he was just a HENCHMAN with a bit of history with Kenobi. You ALL but killed him off at the end of Star Wars. Then, with how eye-catching and awe-inspiring Vader was, you decided "Hm, maybe I can do something with this guy!"

The same happened with BOBA FETT - you tossed this mysterious guy into a cartoon you wish you never made (remember the Star Wars Holiday Special??) and people FELL IN LOVE with Fett - so not only did you use him a bit in Empire Strikes Back but again in Return of the Jedi. But then, in Jedi, you realized that maybe Fett was getting too popular and that you wanted to make sure people weren't distracted from your now flat and boring characters (Luke talking like an ACTUAL monk, Han being a wuss and Leia being, well, flat) so you decided to kill him off, but boy were the fans pissed.

So not only did you give him a longer scene in the Return of the Jedi Special Edition but you put him in the original Star Wars - a movie he wasn't even originally in!! But that wasn't it - it turns out that Fett will also be in Star Wars: Episode 2! And guess what George? Darth Maul will be there too. Why? Because you will realize the potential of this guy as the most interesting character in Episode 1 and his popularity and you'll BRING MAUL BACK, JUST LIKE YOU DID VADER AND FETT. MARK MY WORDS.

NEW SHOWS, THEY SUCK PART 6! (THE FINAL CHAPTER)

Check out my past declarations of upcoming crappy shows NEW to American TV this Fall:

NBC - THE WB - ABC - CBS - UPN

And now, let the blood bath continue with FOX!

"Get Real" (FOX) - This is a family drama with three kids, their two parents and their windowed Mom. The only thing that gives me hope is that it was created by the guy who created Parker Lewis Can't Lose from the early 90s and that show was GREAT. But unless this show is really wacky (Like Parker), this show will tank.

"Harsh Realm" (FOX) - This show from Chris Carter, the creator of The X-Files, is about a US Army Soldier who is sent "into" a military VR combat simulator where several other soldiers had already "entered" and become "trapped". Well, all I can say is video game based TV shows, NEVER make for good TV. Plus I hear the comic book this series is based on is TOTALLY different and MUCH better. Expect this to last one season out of respect for Carter and then get canned. After that expect Chris Carter to desperately cling to as many seasons of the X-Files as he can convince Fox he can do, because at this point he'll know that anything else he creates... sucks.

"Manchester Prep" (FOX) - Based on that movie Cruel Intentions from 1998 that was already based on Dangerous Liasons which in turn was based on that old French book Les Liaisons Dangereuses. Don't expect anything much from this series but a soap opera structure that won't be smart enough to grab anyone's attention.

"The Badland" (FOX) - The story of a 19 year-old rookie cop. Now, don't cops have to go to some sort of Cop School? If they don't, why are we letting these guys roam the streets with GUNS?!? Anyway, this doesn't strike me as all that exciting. It could be good, but unless I hear GREAT things after it's premiere, I WON'T be watching...

"Time Of Your Life" (FOX) - This Party Of Five spin-off stars cute as a button actress Jennifer Love Hewitt as her Party character goes off in search of her Mom's past. This could be good, but without top-notch writing only the true die hard Party fans will follow the show and no new Time fans will be created. I bet the show will fail, but not because it's bad, just because it'll be written off as a just another spin-off. I hope I'm wrong though.

"Action" (FOX) - The creator of The Larry Sanders Show is not showing an great originality with this new show about a producer trying to survive in Hollywood. GREAT, ANOTHER story about Hollywood guys. I know Hollywood-types are self-centered, but ENOUGH ALREADY!! If I want this kind of story I'll go watch my copy of The Player!!

"Ally" (FOX) - This quasi-spin-off of Ally McBeal basically features cutting-room-floor footage from the hour version of the show somehow cut together to make 22 minute stories. I hope this one works, I'm curious how it WILL work. Sounds like this show's run will be shorter than one of Ally's skirts. We'll see...

"Malcom In The Middle" (FOX) - The story of an incredibly smart fourth grade white boy living in a "dysfunctional" family who is suddenly thrust into an "advanced" class at school. I can't figure out which is more boring, the cute white cast or its premise. Strangely it's created by Linwood Boomer who claims to have created 3rd Rock from the Sun although I can't seem to find his name listed anywhere at IMDB.com's listing for 3rd Rock - go fig.

"Dark Angel" (FOX) - James Cameron created this mid-season series about a genetically engineered (and cute as a button) 18 year-old girl who is hunted by the military who created her as she hunts down her fellow genetically engineered siblings. Hm, Jim Cameron furthers his attempts at creating original material by ripping off the Image Comic Book Gen 13. Expect this to go the way of ID4 creators' The Visitor - it'll last for 13 episodes and then end up in reruns on the SciFool Network.

Do YOU think these shows will be any good?

NO DISRESPECT TO THE KENNEDY CLAN... BUT

WHAT is the DEAL with all of this MOURNING FOR JFK JR!??!

Again, I don't mean any disrespect toward the Kennedy family, I am sad for their loss - but he seems to be on every magazine cover out there - WHY?!??

I was at a newsstand last night and the cashier there said that JFK Jr. was on the cover of no less than 23 covers!!! WHAT'S WITH THAT?!? WHAT HAS THIS GUY DONE?!?

Well, it took him a few extra years to become a lawyer and then he was an ASSISTANT District Attorney for New York City and then after that he was a reasonably successful magazine editor. Okay, so he wasn't a complete loser or anything, but COME ON!!

23 MAGAZINE COVERS?!?!

Okay, sure, his Dad was a very important person - I'm fine with the burial and the usage of all that military expertise to find his body, but CAN WE JUST MOVE ON NOW PLEASE?

I asked the cashier at the newsstand if he had seen any other person's death merit as many magazine covers and he said there was one other person. Princess Diana. THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND!! But did JFK Jr. run around helping people who had stepped on landmines? Was JFK Jr. compared to Mother Theresa before AND after he died? Did JFK Jr. date a Rich Indian TV Producer? Okay, well, that last part really had nothing to do with this, but you get my point - the guy, compared to his father and uncle (even TED) was a LOSER!! LET'S GET ON WITH OUR LIVES NOW!!!

Are YOU more successful than JFK Jr.? Will YOU get on 23 magazine covers when YOU die?