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Sunday, September 26, 1999

YEAH SURE DAN, IT'S CUZ OF THE MONEY

Well, good little (brained) Danny Quayle finally faced facts - sort of.

He recently jumped out of the Presidential race claiming that his financial analysts figured out that there is no way he'd be able to raise the amount of money it would take to compete with George W. Bush.

Gee, DAN, I always thought all it took was a strong candidate for office, and now you're saying that it takes GREEN?

Sure, yeah, riiiight.

Are you certain that it wasn't just that you WOKE UP AND SMELLED WHAT YOU'VE BEEN SHOVELING?

No - it couldn't have been that you realized that you are a total schmuck, lucky to have held any office at ALL in the first place, and that you were only elected as Vice President because you made George Bush look good? (Wow, you did the same favor for his son!)

Well, obviously you ARE a schmuck because you feel the need to lie to America just to save face. Ah well. I'm just glad you stopped wasting our time.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CELEBRATES 25 YEARS

SNL celebrates 25 years and fifteen years of ACTUAL comedy.

Which is still no small feat - too bad all the really funny people from those fifteen years are either dead or just not funny any more.

I GUESS WE CAN'T ALL JUST GET ALONG

There is no bigger moron on the planet than those who think there are no aliens in outer space simply because they haven't visited us yet.

You want to know why they haven't visited?

Here's a question for you: Would YOU visit Earth if YOU were an alien life form?

I mean come ON! Look at us humans! We're HORRIBLE. Greed runs rampant in ALL sections of life here on Earth. Whether the greed is for money, power, food or territory it rules all mankind.

What's worse is that we humans feel that as long as we are victimizing SOMEone, things are good. Of course, striking other countries is too costly and messy, so most countries tend to turn on themselves.

Look at the mess in East Timor. Look at Russia's repeated attempts to keep Chechnya in Czech - I mean check. Couldn't they just have a vote? Would that be so difficult? When Quebec wanted to bail on Canada was there a WAR? No, there was a VOTE.

What about the UK and Northern Ireland? Things are STILL a mess there. WHY? Even here in America things are not cool unless someone is beating up on someone else. Look at how the government needs to confuse the crap out of us with tax laws so so vague and maze-like that you have to get a degree in accounting JUST to figure them out.

Look at how the government picks on Hollywood instead of placing the blame on the school system, the parents and THE INDIVIDUAL.

It's insane how we point the finger at anyone we think is a vague threat to us. I think we should try going against the trend - the next time you feel threatened by someone, try this: buy them flowers, or even a pack of gum.

See what happens - I dare ya.

Sunday, September 19, 1999

WORK SUCKS

Our WHOLE society is ass-backwards.

So I go out for this new job, right?

I sell myself as enthusiastic, quick-learning, a multi-tasker and in general, an all-around good guy to have in the workplace. The only problem is, I seem to have done a much better job at selling myself than I thought. Now, I am a little more than a month into my new job and my new boss is wondering if I'm cut out for the job as I still haven't learned everything and am still behind on a few things.

Actually, I think it's not me or my selling of myself, but in fact is this wonderful language we all forget from time to time that we are using. My new boss failed to explain to me the definitions for certain words she was using. Certain words like "overtime" and "expectations" and "questions" were definite problem sources for me over the past few weeks. Obviously, her definition of "overtime" included a much larger number of minutes than mine.

Her idea of "expectations" also failed to exclude a large amount of vertical space. And the "questions" she said I shouldn't be afraid to ask? Let's just say I have questions about her open-ness to questions.

I'm a hard worker - I'm also a college graduate and my boss doesn't understand that people have different definitions for common concepts. What can I do about it? Nothing. I was hoping this job would be a good one for me - it still may be, but I doubt it. All thanks to that wonderful language called English.

I say we nuke the UK - they created this damn language!! Let's make 'em pay!!

STIR OF ECHOES IS GOOD - (DON'T) CALL IT A SIXTH SENSE

BOY are you Americans IDIOTS. I am CONSTANTLY amazed at how Americans KEEP putting money into the pockets of Bruce Willis and his crap-o-rama The Sixth Sense.

You are all so EASILY entertained by an EASY LIE that fans of The Sixth Sense call a "great plot twist". Well, do me a favor - if you've seen The Sixth Sense, go see Stir Of Echoes and watch a solid movie with good plot and character development and a story structure that doesn't LIE to you. It doesn't have any WOW-style plot twists, it's just a GOOD, SOLID MOVIE.

Trust me. You'll enjoy it.

THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR MISSING THE NEWS

Can someone just tell me one thing, please?

Where the hell is Timor?

East or west Timor - I don't care - but where is it?

I have been working my butt off for the past couple months with one full-time job, one part-time job, a web site, a girlfriend and hopeful career and as a result, I haven't watched the news in easily two months.

Now I hear that there is some UN sanction fighting force going to someplace called "Timor" to stop some killing there. Gee - I wonder why we, the United States aren't leading the assault.

Actually, I don't - here's why we aren't leading the charge: two colors, green and white. Specifically the green of money that we DON'T have at stake in Timor (wherever that is) and the white of the skin of the people whose lives are NOT being threatened in Timor.

Oh sure, we care, but not enough to lead the charge because ONLY human lives are at stake and the skin of those human lives is kind of a light brown. They're Indian, right? (I know approximately where Timor is!) Wow and to think I almost missed this great opportunity to bitch about America's white-centricity.

That's what I get for missing the news!!

Sunday, September 12, 1999

WORLD WIDE? YOU AIN'T KIDDING!

Have you noticed just how smegging big the World Wide Web is getting?

Just three years ago you would probably find it very neat to find someone who has his or her own web site. These days, EVERYone and their mother has a web site.

Of course, I am just being figurative as my own Mom doesn't have her own web site - although she has put one together for work related stuff. So, just what can one find on all of these web sites? It would seem just about anything.

As I have said in the past, the web even has several web sites that function as guides to the best web sites. And that's the real problem here - there are so many services that are duplicated out there and thanks to the cheapness of the web, it's taking forever for the sucky web sites to GIVE UP ALREADY!

Now, take my site for instance, I have decided to give web users something that they cannot get anywhere else - ME! Now, can any other web site promise as unique a subject for their web site? I doubt it. So here's a quick note to any web masters that may be reading this: try to find something to do with your web site that NO ONE ELSE IS DOING. If you can't and want to duplicate another site's services or content, then check out the best sites that have that content and DO IT BETTER THAN THEM!!

If you can't, do a site for yourself. Who cares about making money off of it?? (Okay, ignore that last bit...)

THE GOOD TV GRAVEYARD PT 1

Well, you might think that ten years is long enough to do a series, but Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a television show with an ENDLESS supply of fodder for new and fresh episodes. What is the premise of this show you ask? Read on!

Here's how the show works: An average white guy is trapped on a satellite and is forced to watch really bad movies with two smart-talking robots. Together, the three of them rip apart the worst films to come out of Hollywood. THIS IS A SHOW THAT DESERVES TO LIVE FOREVER!

I mean, like what - has Hollywood stopped making bad films? I DON'T THINK SO!

So WHY did the show get canned? Who knows? Maybe it was the execs over at the SciFool network who didn't understand the humor - or maybe it's the fact that there are too many morons watching TV and most of them just don't get MST3K. Either way, the smartest television show (and the longest running comedy series) now exists only in our memories and in the video collections of intelligent geeks across the planet. Rest In Peace Mystery Science Theater 3000! We hope to see something new from your creators soon. We wish them luck and hope to see all of your episodes on video shelves soon.

As for the SciFi Channel? I now have no reason to watch your channel ever again.

On September 12, 1999, the final new episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 ran on the SciFi Channel. MOVIE SIGN was gotten for one last time and the quips from the boys on the Satellite of Love went silent. But in the wake of bad ratings, little support from the SciFi Channel and even less support from scifi geeks who think just because THEY have been quipping to movies for years they have no need to watch, the quipping will be continued by those of us who watched each new episode every week. While MST3K will not go on, We, the MiSTies, will forever quip. MST3K is dead. Long live MST3K. I read your book, you magnificent bastard. Hikeeba. You die joe. They just didn't care. Why doesn't Johnny care? Why don't they look? Rock Climbing. Sand Storm. Deep Hurting. I can't come back! I don't know how it works! Good bye folks!
Mystery Science Theater 3000
1989-1999

AIDS NO LONGER A THREAT?

It may not seem as much of a threat to those of us in America - but check this out: there are roughly 761 million people in Africa. If it weren't for AIDS, there would be 11 million more.

In fact, at presently there are about 22.5 million people in Africa with AIDS.

According to the Center for Disease Control, there are only 208,000 people in the US living with AIDS. Once again we see how the countries with the money really don't give a crap about the countries that don't have a lot of money. Or maybe it's just that the people in Africa are mostly black.

Either way, a lot of people are dying and something needs to be done - I have no idea what, but SOMETHING should be done. I feel pretty useless in regards to all this. But what else can I do but point out the problem?

Sunday, September 5, 1999

NEWSFLASH: LEWINSKY JOINS JENNY CRAIG!

Now, you won't catch me making Monica Lewinsky-fat jokes - they got old about a week into the whole Monicagate thing, but I am amazed that the fact that Monica joined Jenny Craig made the news ANYWHERE, but in the Jenny Craig member newsletter.

The article I read appeared in The Hollywood Reporter last week and stated that although Lewinsky had signed up with Jenny Craig her role as a spokesperson for the weight-loss clinic had not yet been announced. That's probably because all she wants to do is LOSE SOME FRIGGIN' WEIGHT!! I mean, after the 12-PLUS months of having her BUTT be the BUTT of FAT jokes I don't blame her!

But give the girl a break already!

Hey, I never thought she was FAT in the first place, sure, she's no hottie, but she wasn't exactly Mrs. Jabba, either, you know?

SIXTH SENSE SUCKS

Now JUST what is it about American movie goers that makes them forget about great TV shows like The Twilight Zone?

Sixth Sense was all too similar to about eight different episodes of the classic Rod Serling series. The twist, I don't think I should ruin it for you just in case you happen to be one of the slobbering masses who wouldn't figure it out on your own and thusly be entertained by it, so, I shall just give you a big old hint.

DON'T WORRY - it won't give anything away.

The twist is only a twist because you assume that it's not there on the grounds that it would be too damn obvious. This movie doesn't out-and-out lie to you, but it does omit an awful lot. Also, the movie isn't about what you think it is.

So there.

But that's not the only thing that's wrong with it. The film takes about forty minutes to get to the premise. And when we do get there we don't see enough of what the kid sees. The movie lifts gags from Poltergeist (the kitchen scene to name one rip off) and steals it's editing style from John Sayles' Lone Star. I was almost as bored in Sixth Sense as I was in Titanic! Oh and one other thing - why is the film called "Sixth Sense" when the Random House Dictionary defines "sixth sense" as a keen intuitive perceptiveness? You call seeing dead people "intuitive"?

Whatever!

AIR UNFAIR

Why does it cost SO amazingly much to fly these days?

I know that planes are expensive and the the pilots of these planes are very skilled and should be paid a lot of money, but it seems to me that prices are getting a bit out of hand. A couple years ago my boss took me flying in a single propeller Sesna they he rents from time to time. He said the fuel costs about $50 for an hour's worth.

Now, I understand it takes a lot less fuel to power a single propeller engine than it does to power four huge engines on a 737 or whatever, but come ON! It costs more than $200 one way to fly across the country ONCE. Think about it - you've got around 100 people on those cross continental flights, right? $200 multiplied by 100 is $20,000!!! Does it REALLY cost that much to fuel a plane, buy those lousy dinners, pay those rude flight attendants and those booze swilling pilots?

Think about it - $20,000 is what my parents spent for a year's worth of my college - with just twice that amount of money you could buy one of those Hummers Arnold Shwarzenegger drives! And for the price of a really cheap BMW, one can fly a plane across the country. Does that seem a bit OFF to anyone else out there?